I'm writing this as I feel I have no where else to turn.
Its took me a while to come to terms with this but I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. I love him but I dont think i can carry on like this anymore as it's starting to mentally drain me.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have lived together for 3. He is in the army so mainly home at weekends. We have had some good times in the 4 years but the bad is now starting to out weigh the good.
My boyfriend doesn't drink all the time but when he does he changes into a different person. Call me stupid for staying with him as I know I am but as they say love is blind.
During the time we have been together and he has been drunk he has messaged other girls, slept with another girl (he wont admit this but I know as I found the messages on his phone), cancelled plans with me and turned into a complete crazy person. I wont go into every single detail as he has done so much when hes drunk. I have forgiven him time after time but I have now lost all self worth.
Most of the time when he comes home we have his daughter from a previous relationship stay over so he is quite sensible, however, as soon as she goes, hes off to the pub. I feel like I have to beg him to spend time with me.
This Saturday night he decided to go out and I got very upset, he then said it was my fault he wanted to go out as he was sick of me nagging. He went to the pub and returned home at 4am. He was getting picked up at 6am to return to work. When he got home, he pushed me out the bed, kicked me, and just kept shouting as he was so drunk. I decided to sleep on the sofa. He then got up to get ready for his lift and trashed my bedroom. Tipped all the drawers out and spat his toothpaste out on the bedding and carpet. He then came and grabbed me off the sofa and demanded I make him something to eat. I said no, so he threw the contents of the fridge on the floor. I then had to let him out the house as he was going mad because he couldn't find his keys and that was my fault apparently. Once he was gone I received a text saying we were over, that's nothing new as he always tells me we are over when hes drunk. I am still waiting for an apology but I have little hope as he went out drinking with his army mates on Sunday night. I know he will start saying sorry once he feels normal but I'm so sick of it and yes I know I sound so pathetic staying with him. It's coming to the point though where I cant continue anymore, I dread it when he says hes going out and I do start arguing as I know what state he will return in.
I'm also tied into a rental lease with him, I cant afford the rent on my own and I also do not want to leave as I'm scared he will get me into debt.
I know it sounds stupid but when he doesn't drink hes a good guy. I've tried talking to him about his drinking and sometimes he is very remorseful and says he knows hes an idiot when he drinks. Alot of the time, he cant never remember any of it as he gets so drunk though so he thinks I'm exaggerating when I tell him what hes done.
I'm so sorry to rant on, I just feel so lost. I've no self confidence anymore, I run around after him like a lap dog and I'm embarrassed about that. I feel I've turned into a weak person.