So I posted a few days ago asking for advice about my boyfriend behaving with zero empathy towards his daughter when her dog died.
Fast forward a couple of days and my son got called for surgery for Saturday morning - me and him hadn’t spoken to each other since Wednesday and giving each other the silent treatment it seemed. I messaged him on Friday evening saying “son has surgery in the morning. Presumably you’re still huffing or whatever but just thought you’d like to know” - he replied very nicely and supportive asking could he come too and not what I expected.
Maybe the days and days of reading about narcissism were wrong after all. I had a little hope.
Saturday he sits in the hospital and I’ve just seen my little son put to sleep on a theatre bed and as soon as I come out he’s trying to get me into the bathroom for sex?? Like what the fuck!
He was so grabby with me and it didn’t feel like normal he was clearly still angry because I had called him a shit dad. It didn’t feel loving.
He was due to go watch the match that night and I was very anxious about this. Nights out for him in the past have resulted in: disappearing, strip clubs, bringing girls home if we have had an argument, lying about where he is, taking drugs, going totally MIA. I told him how I was feeling that it was a conditioned response from his previous behaviour and he asked me what he could do to reassure me when he goes. I said “don’t do those things?” He left me and my son in hospital to go for his night out at 2pm (which is pretty cunty in the first place)
He kept in touch but my anxiety grew. I knew he was getting drunk because his messages became more “soppy”- I’m so lucky to have you babygirl etc. Last message was at 11.30pm and then bang. Gone. Got a message at 6.30am saying “went a bit overboard and trying to get to sleep, can you come to my house and cuddle me when you get up”
I called him and asked had he taken drugs - he started lying and I said - I know you have and he admitted it but played it down. I told him I didn’t want my life to be sitting worried sick that my 40 year old boyfriend is out partying with people half his age and doing god knows what. He was at house parties with the little slutty girls in our city who are well known. I got up and went to his house and he was distant but wanted me just to hop into bed with him. I started crying and asked why he does these things and he said “I needed a blow out” - I said he was wearing me down and making me feel like nothing. I left and didn’t talk to him the rest of the day. He was on snapchat with girls I think before I got there as I took his phone off him and hid in the bathroom. He was pacing outside trying to get in the door and it could have easily become violent. I felt like my rib cage was going to burst and I was crying so hard. I asked why he’d deleted the chats and he said “just”.
He messaged this morning saying that his actions were because of my blaming him on Tuesday about the daughter/dog thing. Basically deflecting. Everything I’ve read and his behaviour has solidified with me he’s a narc. Now what??
I have left him several times before but he chases me back and the hard thing about this is that I actually really love him. Does he love me? Is he capable?
This has just turned my world upside down and I wonder if I’ll ever trust him or feel safe and content 😿 I feel like I’ve been living a lie for 3 years and don’t know what’s real and what’s not.
I’m quite secluded and don’t get out much. I don’t have a lot of money and I don’t like clubbing. People scare me. If I leave him I’ll just be alone 🙁 and heartbroken. Do I just shut up and put up??
How can I make him see his behaviour really hurts me ?
Is there something wrong with me? Please help :(