Hes definitely a narc :( now what

[Jfizz]

So I posted a few days ago asking for advice about my boyfriend behaving with zero empathy towards his daughter when her dog died.

Fast forward a couple of days and my son got called for surgery for Saturday morning - me and him hadn’t spoken to each other since Wednesday and giving each other the silent treatment it seemed. I messaged him on Friday evening saying “son has surgery in the morning. Presumably you’re still huffing or whatever but just thought you’d like to know” - he replied very nicely and supportive asking could he come too and not what I expected.

Maybe the days and days of reading about narcissism were wrong after all. I had a little hope.

Saturday he sits in the hospital and I’ve just seen my little son put to sleep on a theatre bed and as soon as I come out he’s trying to get me into the bathroom for sex?? Like what the fuck!
He was so grabby with me and it didn’t feel like normal he was clearly still angry because I had called him a shit dad. It didn’t feel loving.

He was due to go watch the match that night and I was very anxious about this. Nights out for him in the past have resulted in: disappearing, strip clubs, bringing girls home if we have had an argument, lying about where he is, taking drugs, going totally MIA. I told him how I was feeling that it was a conditioned response from his previous behaviour and he asked me what he could do to reassure me when he goes. I said “don’t do those things?” He left me and my son in hospital to go for his night out at 2pm (which is pretty cunty in the first place)

He kept in touch but my anxiety grew. I knew he was getting drunk because his messages became more “soppy”- I’m so lucky to have you babygirl etc. Last message was at 11.30pm and then bang. Gone. Got a message at 6.30am saying “went a bit overboard and trying to get to sleep, can you come to my house and cuddle me when you get up”

I called him and asked had he taken drugs - he started lying and I said - I know you have and he admitted it but played it down. I told him I didn’t want my life to be sitting worried sick that my 40 year old boyfriend is out partying with people half his age and doing god knows what. He was at house parties with the little slutty girls in our city who are well known. I got up and went to his house and he was distant but wanted me just to hop into bed with him. I started crying and asked why he does these things and he said “I needed a blow out” - I said he was wearing me down and making me feel like nothing. I left and didn’t talk to him the rest of the day. He was on snapchat with girls I think before I got there as I took his phone off him and hid in the bathroom. He was pacing outside trying to get in the door and it could have easily become violent. I felt like my rib cage was going to burst and I was crying so hard. I asked why he’d deleted the chats and he said “just”.

He messaged this morning saying that his actions were because of my blaming him on Tuesday about the daughter/dog thing. Basically deflecting. Everything I’ve read and his behaviour has solidified with me he’s a narc. Now what??

I have left him several times before but he chases me back and the hard thing about this is that I actually really love him. Does he love me? Is he capable?

This has just turned my world upside down and I wonder if I’ll ever trust him or feel safe and content 😿 I feel like I’ve been living a lie for 3 years and don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

I’m quite secluded and don’t get out much. I don’t have a lot of money and I don’t like clubbing. People scare me. If I leave him I’ll just be alone 🙁 and heartbroken. Do I just shut up and put up??

How can I make him see his behaviour really hurts me ?

Is there something wrong with me? Please help :(

Of course he doesn't love you. Look at his actions.

You have exceptionally low standards. Change that.

Dump. Block him on all means of communication. Put all your emotional effort into making friends (not new boyfriends).

That’s the thing guys - he’s brilliant to my son. He treats him very well, encourages him with school and sports, reads his homework with him, includes him and plays with him, laughs with him and they have a great relationship. He never sees any arguments or anything and I would never have my son around anyone who mistreated him. I get what you mean though about my anxiety being obvious no matter how much I try to hide it.

Everything here is so black and white and life’s just not like that :( I really don’t have low standards at all. In fact quite the opposite - if before him anyone ever wronged me I’d drop them like a hot brick. I had great self confidence and felt very secure in myself despite my parents. I just feel like in the last couple of years I’ve become a shadow of myself and I don’t know whether that is to do with him or if it’s me and his behaviour is a result of mine. That’s why this is so confusing for me.

A man who loves you will not treat you this way OP. He is not the one.

I'm sorry about your childhood, but you are repeating the cycle of your parents' abusive relationshuip, and that will be affecting your son. Do you really want him to grow up and think this is how adult relationships work?

yesterday when I was crying sore he seemed to get upset and started crying himself, then he was nearly sick

Attenion seeking.

It’s like for a moment he could see and feel what he was doing to me.

He knows just what he's doing. He just doesn't care if he hurts you.

Thinking that if I leave I’ll have regrets like I didn’t try enough or be enough
But you shouldn't have to TRY all the time in a relationship. You shouldn't have to try to be kind enough, good enough, anything like that. You can see everyone here saying they wouldn't put up with ANY of his nonsense. Why do you have such low stndards?

Are YOU happy living like this?

You should leave him, do the Freedom Programme, and set some strong boundaries in place for your next relationship.

You were confident before you met him and after being with him you are a shadow if your firmer self. Of course it's him, he treats you appallingly.

So what if he encourages your son. That doesn't make him a great guy.

It's worrying that you would allow someone to repeatedly treat you bad.

And yes it is that black and white. He is abusive, you need to end it.

What happened to your self respect?

You appear have to be single. A other issue there in itself.

Carry on seeing him, but don't expect him to suddenly treat you well. He has no respect for you and why would he when you allow him back into your life over and over.

I just feel like in the last couple of years I’ve become a shadow of myself and I don’t know whether that is to do with him or if it’s me and his behaviour is a result of mine. That’s why this is so confusing for me.

That would not happen in a happy relationship. He's destroying you, and you're letting him. And your ds will be picking up on it. His behaviour is a result of yours - you mean, him disappearing, [going to] strip clubs, bringing girls home if we have had an argument, lying about where he is, taking drugs, going totally MIA?

No. He chooses to act like this. You're not making him do that.

You appear unable* to be single.

I’ve just seen my little son put to sleep on a theatre bed and as soon as I come out he’s trying to get me into the bathroom for sex?? Like what the fuck! He was so grabby with me...

And now you're saying Everything here is so black and white and life’s just not like that sad I really don’t have low standards at all.

Oh yes you fucking do! Your standards are so low you could trip over them. What happened in the hospital is about as black and white as it gets. If anyone tried that on me they'd get dumped instantly. And he brings girls home? And you put up with it?

You're conning yourself if you think your son is blind to your unhappiness and the atmosphere in his home.

Sorry I should have said - we don’t live together. I have my own place with my son. He is not around any crap I promise that.

I feel like I’m defending him a bit not meaning to. Please don’t be harsh to me it’s really not helping. I came here for support :(

I just feel so alone 😥 and when I feel alone I want to lie with him and I feel safe. But he’s the one making me sad. Actually crying as I write this.

I feel so hopeless

His behavior is not down to you.This is what he wants you to think. You are being manipulated. He has seen a weakness and vulnerability in you and is exploiting you and in turn your family.

Why is being 'alone' so terrible? If you'd been single years I could understand but you can't seem to bear the thought of 5 minutes without a man!! It's really not the end of the world, especially when the man is a sleazy druggie.

He has trained you.
He is the one causing you such grief, and then he's the 'fixer'.
He cuddles you, you lay next to him, he soothes you, and talks tenderly to you, and everything is right with the world. (Until next time)

JFizz I think people are trying to wake you up to the reality here, plain-speaking rather than being harsh. Sugar-coating it is not going to help you in the long run. It seems like you want people to tell you there is a way that this can work out and he will change if you only do X Y and Z. But that's a fantasy, and precisely the one the narc wants to manipulate you into believing. You are confused because you have been gaslighted out of your mind. But there really is nothing else to do but leave this man - no he doesn't love you, not in the way that emotionally whole people understand love, he is deeply abusive and it really is that black and white.

I think there is probably some frustration here too as many of the women answering you - me included - have been through emotional and narcissistic abuse too, and frankly most of us would probably have had loved to have had the clear truth presented to us in the way that we are trying to present it to you, it actually would have helped. It is devastatingly painful to walk away, it is incredibly hard, especially when your head has been so screwed with, but it is the only option if you are not to stay with this abuser and let him destroy you more and more. And I promise you, having been there, that it is so so much better on the other side.

But there is only so much people can say to try and help you, especially if you don't want to hear it. Ultimately, you have to help yourself.

He is very manipulative and has you under his thumb

You will not feel happy or peaceful until you are rid of him, sorry to say. The problems are one sided - his cheating, drugs, strip clubs, disappearing, blaming

If you never saw him again you would be free of this and able to live your life again. He's the problem, he's the grief

yesterday when I was crying sore he seemed to get upset and started crying himself, then he was nearly sick. It’s like for a moment he could see and feel what he was doing to me

Sweetie, as Attila and others have said, this was him getting the attention back on him! No thought for you.

You know his behaviour can be very wrong. And what you say about becoming a shadow of your former self: it's got to be him, because he is the new factor in your life - he is what changed in your life. If you feel it's your fault, take that as more evidence that he's manipulating you.

Hopefully realising he is a narc is what you need to break free. It helped me, because I started seeing that everything was always about him. I'm not sure you're able to see that clearly yet. You really need a good three weeks of no contact in order to start seeing his effect on you.

Being alone is great, by the way. You get to look after yourself - and you are more likely to do the things that make you happy than he does, I'd say! Have you been happily single in the past at all?

Ikwym about people being scary. When I'm feeling sad, I like to come onto Mumsnet for a bit of controllable people contact. Or watch something on TV. Or tbh just curl up on a sofa with a cup of tea and enjoy the quiet. What do you enjoy doing? That can be a useful thing to think about, because narcs like to keep the focus on themselves, so most likely the only time you think about yourself is in relation to him.

Southerncomforts - I’m not afraid to be single. I was single for nearly two years before I met him through choice. And he’s not a druggie - this maybe the fourth time in three years but my concern with it was that you lose inhibitions. Maybe he has little anyway although he assures me he does. He’s very successful and has a great job and isn’t like a sleazy wee grub.

Oldandwornout: you’re right :( how fucked it is that.

leomama81 - I understand. Thank you for this. I had thought of how this might trigger readers. I’m sorry for that :( I just want him to see how he is - to see what he’s doing. I know from my reading that this is very unlikely.

@Jfizz you have to stop making excuses for him. He has treated you in terrible ways. You can't keep defending him - he's not going to stop doing any of this.

Ok that's good news then, no reason not to end it if you're not bothered about being single!

This man expected you to fuck him in a hospital toilet whilst your son was in surgery. If someone asked you to do that on a first date would you see them again?

You are having a difficult time OP and it is not of your making.

You sound to be a good mother - and you are taking care of your son.
However you are not allowing yourself to look after you .

Think back over the last 6 months.
How much of that time was made happy for you by your partner?
How much of that time was unhappy because of your partner's behaviour?
How much time were you anxious/depressed and worrying about how your partner would behave?

When that information is in front of you - think about the next 6 months being like this - and the next. This is the relationship you have.

Is this enough for you?
If you are sure that the happy times outweigh the rest and that your unhappiness/your partner's treatment of you won't have impact OR influence on your son - then continue.

If not - do look at the advice in posts above.

To me it seems that you deserve much better but that you won't get it while this man is in your life.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

I feel like I also went through a big change in my life in those three years. I use to be a fitness model and bikini competitor and fitness was my life - it was a very shallow existence and I feel in the last few years I’ve matured a lot and don’t enjoy that kind of attention anymore - the industry has become such a horrible place and I just hate my job too now (personal trainer). - he’s not responsible for any of these. I don’t think.

I was single for two years before him and I was very happy, went on holidays with friends etc and just had a fun carefree time. I’m definitely someone who can enjoy life single. I love to cook, hike and enjoy comedy nights and cosy bar with funny people. But you’re right - recently most of my thoughts have been taken up with him and all this drama and I barely get a minute to think about anything normal :( thank you for your reply xx

He’s very successful and has a great job and isn’t like a sleazy wee grub.

A man who gets grabby and tries to coerce you into sex in a hospital bathroom while your son is in theatre is the definition of sleazy. He's scum.

Tbh, there doesn't seem to be a lot of point in trying to support someone who is so busy defending the man who's abusing her.

1Wildheartsease

I try my best to be a good mother. My son is just so amazing and precious to me and I’m worried that this relationship is going to wind up impacting my ability to be what he deserves as a mum 😥

I would say I would get anxious about his behaviour about once a day or every other day. Noticing him withholding from me or I feel like I have annoyed him. He teases me all the time and whilst I love banter it feels like he means it and it’s getting to be more and more. I feel really paranoid and keep doubting myself wondering if it’s me. I just notice everything, but then I tell myself if there was nothing to notice I wouldn’t notice it. He just said “I can’t figire out why we can’t make this work” - I replied “I’m baffled by that reply as I know exactly why it isn’t working - you need to be accountable for yourself”

My head is going round and round in circles today. I have been sure I’m ending it four or five times only to come 180 again and think to try longer. :(

If you know he is a narcissist...why are you asking how to let him know he is hurting you? If he is a narcissist - HE KNOWS , he just doesn't care.

They are incapable of caring, they are empty inside. Nothing you can do can change them. They cannot be 'fixed' because they are not broken, they are just fundamentally different from a 'normal' empathetic human being.

Time to go.