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Original poster

Could I please ask how you feel about grandchildren?

43 replies

DexyMidnight · 29/04/2019 10:08

I'll admit this is 'inspired' by another thread so if anyone wants to report it, feel free.

Despite not being interested in children of my own, I have every sympathy for couples who struggle with infertility, or secondary infertility.

I can also fully imagine why people are excited to be grandparents: squidgy new bundles of joy, all the fun of parenting with none of the bad bits - assuming you live close by. And even if your grandchildren live further away I can imagine how fun it must be to see them grow, change, etc.

So I can understand why someone would be quietly disappointed not be a grandmother/grandfather.

But assuming you had more than one child (and therefore had had the joy of creating and parenting your own family), and assuming you had at least one grandchild to love and spoil, would you really mind if one of your children decided not to have kids?

I am asking because this is a situation I find myself in with my PIL, and I would like to understand their p.o.v.

OP posts:

Original poster

DexyMidnight · 29/04/2019 10:12

Sorry, I should be more clear/direct: my BIL and his GF have announced their pregnant and MIL is very excited but it also seems to have been a bit triggering for her (?) and when we spoke about it on the phone she was quite morose and said how sad she was that we weren't having children and how she'd 'miss out'.

I think there might have been language barriers possibly (on both sides) but I think that's a reasonably objective summary of the call and basically...as a childless woman I just don't really get it and am hoping you can enlighten me?

I would ask my own mum but she's vehemently anti grandchildren at this stage (long story!)

OP posts:

Charley34 · 29/04/2019 17:27

I'm a mum of one in my 30s and I don't want to be a grandmother I'm sure it sounds very selfish and I wouldn't say to my son don't have children but with the way the world is I just feel differently about it all now.

DramaAlpaca · 29/04/2019 17:31

My three DC are young adults in their 20s, but not anywhere near settling down yet. Honestly, I really wouldn't care if one or more of them decided not to have children themselves. It's not my business anyway. I wouldn't dream of passing comment on it either.

soulrunner · 29/04/2019 17:32

I am extremely ambivalent about being a grandparent. Happy with whatever choice my DC make. My DM would have been disappointed not to have GC but she never said anything.

Rarfy · 29/04/2019 17:35

I think it depends on the sex of your dc from what I can gather from my dm.

I have numerous dbs, some of whom already have children. I had my first dc this year and dm tells me it is much different when your own dd has a child. I guess because the mother is on her side and she has no one to contend with as she already knows my values and what I will and won't do.

I know my dfil would be over the moon if his dd decided to have children and I suspect although he is in love with this dgc it would be a little different should my sil decide to have any.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2019 17:35

My children are young adults. My son says he wants 3 children in the future, my daughter loves children but goes back and forth in wondering if she wants her own. I assure her she is very very young (20) and doesn't even need to be thinking about it. I have yet to feel any need or desire to be a grandmother, and I will be perfectly happy with whatever choice they make. Their having children or not is none of my business.

fleshmarketclose · 29/04/2019 17:39

Well my children weren't planning on having children themselves and tbh it never bothered me because it is their choice and I had had my choice when I parented them.
A few weeks ago dd discovered that she was 27 weeks pregnant. It was a huge shock to dd and if I'm honest my priority is making sure she gets through this ok rather than thinking of my future grandson tbh.
He will be very welcome and an unexpected surprise that I am sure I will treasure but suspect that I will always feel that my first thoughts are with dd.

fluorescentorange · 29/04/2019 17:40

I am due my first GC in s few days, my DD and DSiL have obliged me!!
My DS and DDiL will not have children, well I very much doubt it anyway, they are very career minded and spend their free time travelling.
I would like them to have children but only if they wanted to, I roils hate to think of them having children just because they thought they had to.

If you don’t want children then don’t have them.x

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/04/2019 17:41

I'm a step grandmother and it's lovely but I'm always a bit sad that I see so little of them (practical reasons). Having grandchildren doesn't mean you're going to see much of them. People move, they even emigrate.

My parents have been lucky enough to see loads of theirs. I'm a little envious.

My DSs are in their twenties and nowhere near the starting a family stage. I really don't think it's my business. I brought them up hoping they'd have rewarding, interesting lives. Whether that includes DC is entirely up to them.

Nonnymum · 29/04/2019 17:42

One of my DC has children the other doesn't and probably won't. I would never dream of mentioning anything to them about it. Their life and their choice.

LittleCandle · 29/04/2019 17:44

I never harboured a desire to be a grandmother. I didn't think it was likely to happen at all and was quite happy with that. Then DD1 announced she was pregnant. I was quite horrified because of the circumstances she was in at the time. I do love DGD, but it is not something I ever could have imagined at my age. I thought if I did become a grandmother, I would be a lot older. I have no patience and am not particularly maternal.

jenthelibrarian · 29/04/2019 17:44

Both of my kids are grown up, independent and happy.
My daughter is single, and I tend to think she'll stay that way. My son lives with his g/f, who we love very much.
GC would be nice, but I don't pine for them. I was pleased to have kids myself, but don't think my life would have been ruined by not having any. I certainly wouldn't dream of commenting, nor do I regard it as any of my business.
I find it irritating if my friends ask me if grandchildren are likely, not wanting to seem either needy or indifferent myself

Connieston · 29/04/2019 17:44

I've two children and couldn't give a toss if they didn't have children of their own, in terms of my own feelings. They're my babies always will be. If they are happy I am too. I might be on a Greek island at that point anyway watering my lemons. I'm not expecting owt.

BackforGood · 29/04/2019 17:47

I would feel sad if I didn't have grandchildren.
Now, obviously it isn't my business what my adult children decide, and I would do my best not to let them pick up on any of my feelings. The issue here is that she has some how tried to make you feel guilty.
That is the issue, not what she actually feels.

I'm not sure what I can tell you about my feelings, and why I think it would be nice to have several grandchildren. I think it is to do with my experience of 'family' ???

Elmo230885 · 29/04/2019 17:47

I'm one of three girls and the only one with children ( highly unlikely my sisters will have any). Since having my daughter 2 years ago and waiting for the imminent arrival of number two my parents have been such doting grandparents. They never made comments about grandkids but seeing how they are now does make me think they would have been (quietly) devastated if they had none at all.

NorthEndGal · 29/04/2019 17:48

I have a 20 yo and a 22yo so technically it could happen. Currently neither one is making plans for babies, one might in the future.
It's up to them.

I desperately miss having wee babies around, so to get my squish fix, I started offering infant care, part time. I get to make a bit of extra money, and get my baby fix.

Getting to spend time with babies and little ones is something I love, but it's not up to my kids to provide that for me.

OddBoots · 29/04/2019 17:48

I'm in my 40s with children in their late teens.

I quietly hope my children have children as I want them to have the joy I did in having them but they are not me so if they find their happiness elsewhere then I am happy with that.

DD is a lesbian and DS has ASD both of which could add a different dynamic to their lives and potential parenting.

When it comes down to it though having children is a decision for them to make, if I become a grandparent or not is a side effect not a reason and if they are happy then I am happy.

pallasathena · 29/04/2019 18:15

Its a real and wonderful gift having grandchildren but like a previous poster, I worry about the world they're growing up in.

Fatted · 29/04/2019 18:26

My kids are only young, so I'm hoping grandchildren is something that's a long way off.

I'm not bothered either way to be honest. I wasn't hugely maternal before having kids and after my last pregnancy, I never want anymore. I've got two boys, so I'm kind of not expecting grandkids as much as I would if I had two girls. As awful as that sounds.

Asta19 · 29/04/2019 18:29

I have two kids, both nearly 30 now, no GC yet. My feelings are very mixed. My DS lives on the other side of the world and is likely to stay there so realistically I won’t see that much of any children he has. Conversely if my DD has any I might see them too much! If she wanted help or wanted me to look after them overnight or whatever, I would struggle to say no even at times I didn’t really fancy doing it. So I feel it would be a level of responsibility that I’m not sure if I want. And another person to worry about! But I know I would obviously love any GC I had. So all in all, I guess I will just take it as it comes.

troppibambini · 29/04/2019 18:34

I have four dc and I would love at least one of them to have kids for purely selfish reasons but at the end of the day I just want them to be happy so if that means no kids then that's fine by me.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/04/2019 18:34

I have one grandchild and I love being a grandparent, she's the most adorable baby ever created. I can see at least one of my children deciding not to have children, and I'm surprised how little this bothers me. Having children is such a personal decision and so life changing I would never want to make anyone think I was disappointed they hadn't had children.

Trasheh · 29/04/2019 18:40

My DDs are still very young, I already know I'd love grandchildren, and I do hope at least one has a child but obviously, it's entirely their choice. I would never pester them as it's not my business and ultimately I just want them to be happy with their lives.

OldAndWornOut · 29/04/2019 19:17

I wasn't bothered either way, really.
I always planned to be a 'hands off' granny.

Islaofsilly · 29/04/2019 19:24

I think it is sad when adult children are expected to have children. It is also wrong. I hope I am selfless enough to want my adult children to do what makes them happy, not do something that won’t just for my benefit. Your MIL should have kept her feelings to herself.

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