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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Checking your partner's phone? Normal?

74 replies

scarbados · 29/04/2019 08:07

I've just been reading a thread on another forum about checking parters' phones as a regular thing. Most of the posters seem to think it's perfectly normal behaviour because 'in a relationship you should always share everything' and if you don't, there's something wrong with the relationship.

I've been flamed for suggesting that trust is important and checking your partner's phone shows a lack of trust. Apparently I'm a 'typical devious and sneaky woman' who's probably hiding an affair or five from my husband. I'm not sure what the fact that I never check his phone means in the mind of that poster - probably that I'm stupid and in denial or something.

In 18 years together I've never even thought of checking his phone and as far as I know he's never looked at mine. We trust each other. If we didn't, we wouldn't be together. I've been cheated on before and it took a long time to learn to trust again, but if I were still suspicious of every man on the planet, I'd have stayed single.

Is it really standard behaviour to scroll through your partner's phone log and read their texts on a regular basis? Is mutual trust not one of the cornerstones of a relationship any more?

OP posts:

EleanorReally · 29/04/2019 08:09

no, of course it isnt standard behaviour.
it is nosy.
you dont own them

AlexaShutUp · 29/04/2019 08:12

No, I trust him. Don't feel the need to check.

Being that insecure must be very difficult.

Chucklecheeks1 · 29/04/2019 08:12

Depends. As standard every day behaviour... NO.

As in my situation to confrim that ExH was indeed a cheat and had been gaslighting for years then I believe the end justified the means.

It was the first time Id ever checked his phone.

Chucklecheeks1 · 29/04/2019 08:13

We were together for 20 years and till that point trusted him completely.

Shoxfordian · 29/04/2019 08:15

If you trust someone then you have no reason to be checking his phone. I wouldn't dream of checking up on my dh but then I don't suspect him of cheating on me.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 29/04/2019 08:16

I don't 'check' my DH's phone. But if I wake up in the middle of the night and want something to do - I'm not going to go downstairs to get my phone, I'm going to reach over to the bedside table and scroll through his Instagram (we follow most of the same people and have similar hobbies).

nickyXjayno · 29/04/2019 08:18

My husband and I have a very open relationship. Share email address and Google sign in on phone. Same hobbies etc. But we've always been ridiculous close. Every couple is different.

cocomelon23 · 29/04/2019 08:20

I've never done that.

KateyKube · 29/04/2019 08:22

I could check if I wanted to. I know his pin code. He doesn’t hide his phone or cling onto it. He wouldn’t say anything or be bothered if I did pick up his phone. I’d find it odd if he took steps to prevent me checking. But of course I don’t check, because I trust him and have absolutely zero suspicion that he might be cheating.

Parker231 · 29/04/2019 08:24

I trust him so no need to check his phone - has never entered my head. I imagine those who do check have some concerns about their relationship or don’t trust their DH.

OoohSmooch · 29/04/2019 08:26

I find it crazy that couples check each other's phones, we have friends who do it to each other but they got together when still married to others so maybe that's why!

100% it shows a lack of trust no matter how people try to justify it. I don't what my husband seeing my texts to friends as that's how I whinge about him 😂

Beamur · 29/04/2019 08:27

I don't read his. But I do know his passcode, same as he knows mine.
We will occasionally use each others phone. If he got protective of his phone it would make me highly suspicious!

Biancadelrioisback · 29/04/2019 08:43

I think the minute you feel the need to check their phone is the minute the relationship is over. I won't be with someone who doesn't trust me and I won't be with someone I don't trust.

SleepingSloth · 29/04/2019 08:46

I have never checked my partners phone, we've been together twenty years. We are not secretive about our phones though and sometimes use each other's.

Our relationship would be over if I ever felt I needed to check his phone.

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/04/2019 08:48

I've never checked my husband's phone, if I paid attention I could see the shape he used to log on and it's often left lying around but checking it has never crossed my mind. It's never occurred to me that there'd be more than a load of games I find boring and a lot of bike related searches.

ParkingIInPlainSight · 29/04/2019 08:48

I know his pin code he knows mine as we occasionally use each other’s phones. I occasionally have a look if I’m being nosey...but it’s nosiness,

Crustaceans · 29/04/2019 08:53

I've never 'checked' a partner's phone. It just wouldn't occur to me to do so. If I was unable to trust them, or talk to them about what was bothering me, then the relationship would not be in a good place anyway.

My ex and I had the same passcodes. My current BF knows my passcode and he's told me his. I can never remember it (it's stupidly long) so he registered my fingerprint on his phone so I can look up stuff on spotify while he's driving.

Oldrockman · 29/04/2019 09:25

We know each others pass words, pin numbers and so on. It is useful if we need to use the others phone or card and really we have nothing to hide. The only times we can't look is around birthdays, Christmas etc when we don't want to spoil surprises. It is not a case of worrying about trust or being able to check up on each other its just easy.

Original poster

scarbados · 29/04/2019 09:33

Thank you for confirming that I'm not the only one who still trusts!

We don't hide things and we do sometimes use each others' phones in emergencies but I'd only check if I suspected something untoward was going on. We could both check if we wanted to, we just don't feel the need.

OP posts:

itbemay1 · 29/04/2019 09:46

No. I never check my DH phone and he doesn't check mine.

Parky04 · 29/04/2019 09:52

If my DW insisted on checking my phone i would end the marriage. Trust is one of the key things for a healthy marriage.

NameChangeNugget · 29/04/2019 12:17

If my DH insisted on checking my phone it would be marriage over.

Of course it’s not normal behaviour to check phones.

Your op is spot on. You’ve been flamed by unhinged people sadly

FuriousVexation · 29/04/2019 12:22

Yes obviously

Better safe than sorry.

bibbidybob · 29/04/2019 12:29

Not normal, however I did look last year when dh left phone behind when he went to work. Things had been weird between us....discovered he'd become too friendly with a colleague. Married 20 years and first time I'd looked.

I have looked once since then as he has a profile on the Mac and a message from her popped up as I was swapping back to my profile. Looked and discovered more messages - he's deleted from phone, but they'd remained on the messages app on Mac.

VeronicaDinner · 29/04/2019 12:50

I wouldn't date someone who thought they were entitled to check my phone as I consider removing my right to privacy to be abusive behaviour. I also wouldn't date someone if I felt the need to check their phone as the lack of trust would mean any serious relationship was over.

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