Checking your partner's phone? Normal?

[scarbados]

I've just been reading a thread on another forum about checking parters' phones as a regular thing. Most of the posters seem to think it's perfectly normal behaviour because 'in a relationship you should always share everything' and if you don't, there's something wrong with the relationship.

I've been flamed for suggesting that trust is important and checking your partner's phone shows a lack of trust. Apparently I'm a 'typical devious and sneaky woman' who's probably hiding an affair or five from my husband. I'm not sure what the fact that I never check his phone means in the mind of that poster - probably that I'm stupid and in denial or something.

In 18 years together I've never even thought of checking his phone and as far as I know he's never looked at mine. We trust each other. If we didn't, we wouldn't be together. I've been cheated on before and it took a long time to learn to trust again, but if I were still suspicious of every man on the planet, I'd have stayed single.

Is it really standard behaviour to scroll through your partner's phone log and read their texts on a regular basis? Is mutual trust not one of the cornerstones of a relationship any more?

It wouldn't cross my mind to check DH's phone. I borrow his phone sometimes to look on I/net as I don't have enough data on current package but still wouldn't look at, say, history, texts or WhatsApp. I can't imagining him checking mine either.

I suppose it depends on the relationship and whether there have been any issues previously.

I dare say if my DH was secretive with his phone that I'd secretly look to see what he was hiding though.

I think a great many of us would say, no we didn’t and it hadn’t crossed our mind, until we felt we had very good reason to and then wished we had a lot earlier.

No need to- if I ask to use his phone/iPad because mine is dead/in the bottom of my bag and I can’t be arsed searching for it etc then it’s no problem

If he refused, hesitated or went on a deleting spree before handing it over though then I would be suspicious and ask again in the future to look what he was doing.

That would be reasonable. Outright distrust for no reason isn’t.

I wouldn't want my wife to check my phone as there are conversations on there that she shouldn't see. My friends (male and female) converse with me on the basic assumption that the conversation is for my and their eyes only.

Never.

I think it's insulting and degrading.

Definitely not normal. I've never checked my dh's phone. I've never had a reason to.

But I suppose if I did have a reason to, yes. I have checked the phone's of partners in the past. And it confirmed what I suspected, that they were cheating. That's not normal though. It's really dysfunctional. That's why they were very quickly made exes.

I never checked ex h’s, and later learned he had cheated on me throughout the marriage.

I am ashamed to say I do check my current boyfriend’s. It’s unfair and inappropriate and I shouldn’t do it. It stems from my insecurities arising from my previous marriage, and is something I need and intend to work on.

Everyone has a right to privacy, even from their partner. I absolutely respect my wife's right to privacy and expect her to respect mine. Half the replies you get will be along the same lines, the other half will be the opposite. Ultimitely, we choose our own values and hopefully choose a likeminded life partner. Other people thinking differently doesn't mean they're wrong it just means they have a different outlook and, in this case, one that is completely irrelevant to you.

No I don’t check dh’s

No. Our phones are private as are our emails accounts.

I never did until he started acting differently. Yes he was having an EA. 18 months on I finally don't feel the need to

I don’t even know his PIN and he doesn’t know mine

I've never checked Dp's and he's never checked mine and I'd be really annoyed if he did so.
He's quite open with his phone, I'm less so. If mines charging I'll use his and if it rings while he's driving or he gets a message he'll often ask me to check who it is and even read his messages out to him.

Although I did once answer his phone to his mum and one of his mates when he was passed out drunk (so he'd not given me permission then). We weren't even officially a couple at the time. He'd turned up unexpectedly at mine, declaring his love and then quickly fallen asleep.
(He'd been celebrating his birthday with friends and stupidly been doing a large amount of shots and was for him very unusually drunk).

I checked my ex’s, but then there was usually something to find - he was a lying cheating twat and I was an idiot for staying, but that was all a long time ago thank god.

As everyone has said though - it’s really not normal. I trust my now fiancé and have no need to check and wouldn’t want to betray his privacy/trust in that way. We both know pincodes and have the opportunity to I suppose, but I have no reason to doubt or suspect anything so I don’t (and after experiences with above ex I NEVER thought I’d say that).

I've never felt the need to, I think if it's gotten to the point where you feel you have to then you've already got doubts and are in hot water.
And doing it as a standard thing is just rude, distrustful and not the basis for a solid relationship.

If you trust them you don’t check. But on the three occasions I’ve felt an urge to check I’ve found stuff. Call it gut feelings/intuition whatever. I’m not sorry I checked. My mistake was not ending it the first time.

Would I do it on a regular basis or expect to show my phone on demand? No.

DH and I know each others password to everything, including online banking. Never checked each others, don't need to, we trust each other

It shows a lack of trust! I have never done this but routinely I will have his phone or him mine so he's not hiding anything - also leaves email open etc. He's leaving me but I believe him when he says there's no one else

I never wanted to be in a marriage where I felt the need to check hubby's phone. But since discovering (not through snooping, purely by chance of seeing her name at the top of a whatsapp chat), he had an emotional affair back in December I now have an open phone policy. It's not normal though and I'm hoping that over time trust will be re-established and I won't feel like I need to check his phone every now and then.

Never check his phone but we know each other's passcodes and use each other's for internet/ music etc depending on who's is closest at the time.

I agree that regular checking of phones is NOT normal behaviour, however, IF you have good reason to doubt the integrity of your relationship, then yes, it would be justified.

If your partner was repeatedly home late, unusual spending on credit/debit cards, sneaky behaviour basically, then I would expect the person to reassure me that all was well. I would do the same.

Anyone who says “I would never check my partners phone as it’s an invasion of privacy” or words to that effect, have never been cheated on or lied to.

And my ex partner who constantly denied any cheating (he was) would NOT allow me to check his phone. I had every reason to check it. Up until the cheating, I’d have trusted him with my life.

My exH and I used to occasionally borrow each other’s phone, depending on who had which game or most charge or credit etc. Never ‘checking’ it, just using it. Passwords on everything were known by both of us.

When his behaviour changed after 16 years of marriage and he suddenly changed his passwords and became very protective of his phone, I was unhappy but felt that I must be paranoid. After 6 months of this I managed to look at his phone and found clear evidence of his affair. Yes, the trust was gone. I knew something was up but hadn’t managed to catch him in a lie that he didn’t have an explanation for. I just needed proof to believe in myself and have the strength to end a 22 year relationship.

So, for me, checking his phone was the final day of our marriage. Was it justified? Well, I think so!

If you feel suspicious or feel his behaviour towards you has changed it’s likely you’ll find evidence on his phone.

Whether you choose to look or waste more time with a liar is purely personal choice.