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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Come to a kind of crossroads with DH, don’t really know how to approach it.

27 replies

Sleepycatinthesun · 28/04/2019 21:58

Bit of back story, DH is around 8 years older than me, I’m 45. DH has always liked a drink, has stuck to his 2 nights out a week since before we got married and had children (20 years). I also used to love to socialise, have a drink, nights out when we could get a babysitter etc. All good.

I’m now finding that alcohol does not agree with me. It makes me feel ill, affects my IBS and generally whacks me out for a few days after a night out. DH still loves a good day / night out as do most of our friends - we are all of an age where our children are older teens so nights out, afternoons In a beer garden or in our local city are back on the cards.
Trouble is, I don’t like doing it any more. It’s causing a bit of a rift as DH is fed up about the upcoming years of me now becoming almost teetotal (holidays will apparently be ruined, no nights out, no fun) and he’s become quite resentful.

I have to say, I am at a bit of a loss myself. I had visions of city breaks with plenty of bottles of wine, holidays and nights out into our later years and now I don’t quite know what we are going to do with ourselves!

This all sounds ridiculous but socialising around alcohol has been what we kind of grew up on but now I’m ready to not be bothered by alcohol ever again. We have been out recently and drank very little but DH gets annoyed and sulks and wants to just go home then as ‘there’s no point’.

Anyone else come up against this? It feels like almost a separation of ways is going to come in the future, we seem like so very different people now and Im very sad about it.

OP posts:

lazylinguist · 28/04/2019 22:04

Dh and I used to drink quite a lot. Like you, I find it doesn't agree with me so much these days. I think your husband's attitude is pretty pathetic really (especially the sulkiness). It's perfectly possibly to go out and socialise without drinking. Being at a loss about how to enjoy yourself without alcohol is a pretty worrying sign tbh. If I gave up booze entirely, dh wouldn't bat an eyelid.

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 28/04/2019 22:04

Is the problem a lack of booze or not going out together anymore?

stucknoue · 28/04/2019 22:08

So it's not the fact you aren't drinking, more you don't want to do the activities eg beer garden? Initially I was going to say just don't drink, but it's deeper than that, you have changed your interests. I think you need to talk properly, you are at the same age stage as us and h has decided he wants out, not pub related really but it's the "you don't want to do the things I want to do scenario" do talk before you end up like me!

Halo84 · 28/04/2019 22:14

Why does it matter if you go out and he drinks, but you don’t?

My husband doesn’t drink at all. I enjoy the odd glass of wine. It’s not an issue between us.

Perhaps as a compromise you go out with him one night, and he can go on his own the other night.

FuriousVexation · 28/04/2019 22:18

I get you. You've been enabling his alcohol use for the past x years. He;s not happy now you've thrown that into stark relief.

Original poster

Sleepycatinthesun · 28/04/2019 22:24

I feel he’s annoyed with me, this materialises then when he’s had a drink. The last few times we’ve been out or if we’ve had a drink at home he’ll pick an argument over nothing at all. This is part of the reason I don’t feel comfortable going out drinking with him any more. It’s like a vicious circle then, I don’t want to go out and drink, he gets more fed up with me and round and round we go.
He’s never had much of a sex drive, has always been happy to go 6 weeks or so between wanting sex and this is getting worse and worse too as we get older. I can live with it, it’s getting easier to longer and longer between sex as I also get older. This coupled with the lack of knowing exactly what and how to socialise together has got me looking to the future and wondering how it’s going to be,
I love him dearly but feel so far apart from him at the moment and I can’t see us getting anything back. Our old age looks a bit boring at the moment!

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 28/04/2019 22:28

Do you not still enjoy the socialising/beer garden aspect? Do you just want to stay in now? I guess that’s a big change, which you need to discuss, y’know, like adults

But if you still enjoy the evening out (am not quite clear) then he is being an immature knob.

I am finding alcohol doesnt agree with me either. I think it’s connected to approaching menopause and associated exhaustion and stuff. Am hoping I’ll find my mojo again. In my case, DP won’t bat an eyelid, because he is not a manchild.

I think the main problem for your relationship is he throws a hissy fit.

Original poster

Sleepycatinthesun · 28/04/2019 22:33

Our friends (and DH) are the type to go out and drink until they are properly drunk, DH in particular does not have an off switch and will want to stay out until he wouldn’t be and, to stand. I just cannot do that any more and so I’m the sober one surrounded by these people.
I think DH hates it because he’s not comfortable doing it if I don’t. It annoys him - his wife is boring - not like all our friends.

OP posts:

TheBulb · 28/04/2019 22:36

He sounds as if he’s got an alcohol problem, and resents your new sobriety for showing it up.

Fairylea · 28/04/2019 22:42

His wife is not an alcoholic. Not like him and his friends...

I wonder why he resents that so much. Maybe because it shows up how awful his behaviour is....

LatentPhase · 28/04/2019 22:45

Christ, sorry but if that’s how it is I am not surprised you’re not comfortable with it. It’s not my idea of a fun night out either.

I think you’ve outgrown him (and your friends)

MIA12 · 28/04/2019 22:46

Agreed. He sounds like an alcoholic and he doesn’t like your lack of drinking showing him up.

Titsywoo · 28/04/2019 22:52

I'm 40 and am the same with alcohol. I dont have the same dh problem (mine is teetotal) but I am finding within my friendship group several people are slowing way down or stopping drinking entirely and others are still going for it in a big way. It is causing a bit of division I think as nights out used to be a big group of drinkers and now it's a mixture of the massively pissed and the sober. Doesnt work so well. Your dh is being stupid though. There is far more to life than alcohol.

JaneEyre07 · 28/04/2019 22:55

So he feels that you can only enjoy each others company if there is alcohol involved?

He's the one with the problem here, not you.

I rarely drink these days as it makes me feel so rough for days after, and it has had no effect at all on DH and I going out. We still go for lovely meals, and city breaks. It would really sadden me if my DH only enjoyed my company if he had had a drink.......

jinglet · 28/04/2019 22:57

I think he's feeling annoyed because you seem to be in control of yourself on a night out and he doesn't. For him, being legless appears to be the height of 'a fun night out' whereas you seem to have moved on and want more- conversation/connection/intimacy? Nothing wrong with that. You're just on a different page atm and need to have an honest chat. He's being a bully by making you feel bad about yourself for not wanting to have 'fun' the way he thinks is right. I'm a teetotaller and have always had a massive laugh when out with drinking and non-drinking friends. I find it a bit sad that some people can only have fun by drowning themselves in alcohol.

HollowTalk · 28/04/2019 23:22

Because the OP is saying she doesn't enjoy that kind of day/night out any more.

Al2O3 · 28/04/2019 23:37

I think you let him go out and have those 2-3 nights a week, but without you. If that is his hobby, but you do not have to join it. It is what he and you are doing on those other days and nights that counts. If retirement to him is slipping into an alcoholic stupor by 6pm on a daily basis there isn't anything to look forward to so you are best separating quickly.

Ferfeckssake · 29/04/2019 04:42

I do understand.I too, am surrounded by a drinking culture ( Guess where,!) .
I find it is not just my DH that doesn't like me not drinking, it is also some friends.
I have actually lost a friendship group because of it.
But I could never physically keep up, would affect me in very quickly and would suffer the next day. So I pretty much gave it up.
My problem is that now I don't even want to go out to pubs, etc. as it is BORING being the sober one , listening to drunk people ,as you say they drink until legless. And so much socialising is alcohol related here, it so hard to find other things .
But I have a bit of sympathy for your DH , like mine, it has been the normal way for so long that it is hard for them to understand and adjust.

Seahorseshoe · 29/04/2019 05:14

I'm teetotal and, I was having this discussion with my DH. It's almost embarrassing this to admit to people, it's like it makes you completely unsociable and no fun. I was such pisshead, back in the day, my 20's were a drunken haze.

We lost our daughter when she was 6 and I do not make a happy drunk, I go straight into maudlin and weepy. I can dance the night away at a party sober though. I just don't need it, I'm on some heavy duty meds too.

Certain family members, who I have had many boozy nights with, really put the pressure on me to drink. Yeah, when I'm a mascara down my face, snot crying, mess - they soon regret it.

My DH goes out a couple of times a month with family, he drinks on a Saturday night at home. He totally gets why I shouldn't drink - he's had to deal with the aftermath. In truth, we would rarely drink together, so I guess this is your conundrum - you and your DH did.

I'd suggest you don't drink to please anyone else. At crossroads in life like this, you tend to shuffle about, till you find a happy medium that suits you both, a compromise needs agreeing upon. Honesty is key, so you both don't end up resentful and you reach that happy medium. He doing as much of what you chose to do with your spare and and you doing the same for him.

Mummaofmytribe · 29/04/2019 05:15

I'm in the same boat. Stopped drinking 3+ yrs ago because of a family situation where last minute night time driving was frequently necessary.
Didn't miss it a jot which surprised me hugely as I'd been a regular drinker but I've totally lost the taste for it now.
Social life has stopped. Realise now just how much most of my friends put away. We're all reasonably intelligent folk in our 40's (50's in my OH case) but my clever, funny mates turn into loud, repetitive, sometimes obnoxious drunks and I can't stand it any more. It's unpredictable (sudden mood changes) boring (same stories repeated ad nauseam) and embarrassing (secrets divulged, one woman in particular becoming physically ill)
My OH can't see it, but he doesn't handle booze as well as he used too. He becomes irritable, petty and quite rude after a few too many, and (says) he has no memory of this the next day.
I now avoid all drinking scenarios. Caused a lot of friction but I quietly stuck to my guns. Now it's the new normal. Husband goes out once a week/fortnight and I'm in bed before he gets in so I don't have to engage.
I'm much happier now he's stopped nagging me. And it's not like I'm preventing him from getting drunk. I just do not want to be involved. Which is my right!

Shoxfordian · 29/04/2019 08:33

I would be sad if my husband didn't want to drink anymore. We love sharing a bottle of wine and having a nice meal out. Sure you can have the meal without the wine but its not really the same.

I don't think your dh has an alcohol problem, it sounds like you used to like drinking too. It'd be the same with any shared activity, say you both liked playing chess and you'd play every weekend together then he said he never wanted to play again.

If he doesn't want to adjust to you then you're not compatible anymore.

Musti · 29/04/2019 10:17

It's his problem. I drink but my ex didn't drink much and I saw it as an advantage as he would drive. Also have some friends in our local group who don't or will only have one drink and are therefore never drunk. Noone minds.

TheBulb · 29/04/2019 10:30

I don't think your dh has an alcohol problem

Seriously? The OP says

Our friends (and DH) are the type to go out and drink until they are properly drunk, DH in particular does not have an off switch and will want to stay out until he wouldn’t be and, to stand.

Assuming that the 'and,' is a type for 'able to', do you honestly think that it's normal for an adult man in his early 50s, rather than an experimenting teenager, to go out twice a week and drink until he's so drunk he can't stand up?

Summersunsareglowing · 29/04/2019 10:35

Your DH is the one with the problem if he can only enjoy himself when he has alcohol. I quite understand why you don't want to go out and not drink alcohol around people who just want to drink themselves into oblivion. It sounds like a way of life for him.

It doesn't sound likely there will be a compromise on this one. There are plenty of things that you can do and enjoy doing in the future and into retirement but they normally involve being with like-minded people.

Maybe you need to have a discussion on whether you are compatible and/or see if your DH is prepared to rein in his drinking.

Original poster

Sleepycatinthesun · 29/04/2019 22:03

When he goes out in the week he goes to play pool with his team so he doesn’t get drop,down drunk then, he has around 3 pints.

It’s the big nights or days out that I can’t be bothered with. He’s fed up about that as he still enjoys this.

Mummaofmytribe - this is exactly how the situation is, you have hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:

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