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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need help with arranging dc contact with abusive ex

27 replies

Senseiwu · 28/04/2019 21:28

Split from ex 21 months ago. It's been horrible and he has been shit at seeing our 2 dc. He swans in and out as he pleases. Can go for 3 weeks with no contact then gives me an hour's notice saying he wants to see them, which I then facilitate because they miss him.
He has also been banned from driving for quite a long period of time because of drink driving.
Today he gave me an hour's notice and I rushed to get kids out to him. He spent the afternoon with them while I went and saw friends. He then asked for a lift home (he lives rurally, no buses on Sunday). I said yes. In car on way home in front of dc we end up arguing. I ask him to get out of car, he refuses. This goes on for about 20 mins until I give in and take him home.
This is the final straw in a long list of similar situations. I'm a mug but I'm doing it to facilitate contact with dc. I blocked him once for a month and it resulted in him not seeing dc and them crying for him (they are young).
Please help me!! I honestly do not know what to do. His family are useless and toxic so I can't and won't ask their help. If I asked someone to help with handovers he'd just end up not turning up so it would waste everyone's time and disappoint dc. He says he can't do regular contact as that's not the way he works. I want to go no contact with him because the problem is between him and I not the dc. But then they wouldn't see him. I feel stuck and helpless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Senseiwu · 28/04/2019 22:15

Bumping for the night traffic!

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 28/04/2019 22:21

He can't do regular contact as "thats not the way he works"? What a fecking snowflake. Does he pay maintenance for the children?

I cant remember how you refer to CAFCASS, but get hold of them, and ask for a contact centre referral.

Stop engaging with your ex, stop dancing to his tune (he gets contact when it works for YOU, not the other way around) and fgs stop chauffeuring him around!

funnylittlefloozie · 28/04/2019 22:23

Btw, the children will be sad for a bit if they cant see him. Children are also sad when their goldfish die.
Life goes on. They get over it.

reindeermania · 28/04/2019 22:25

I think that irregular and spontaneous contact speckled with arguments and emotional abuse to their mother is far worse than missing him and crying for a few weeks.

I'd stop contact and aim for contact at a contact centre in light of his unreliable and abusive tendencies. If that goes well aim for an established regular contact pattern thereafter.

Original poster
Senseiwu · 28/04/2019 22:26

Yes he pays maintenance, I went through cms.
I've been wondering about contact at a contact centre. Is it supervised? Is there a cost?

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 28/04/2019 22:28

Yeah, give it 6 weeks and the kids will be over it, honestly. I was.

user1498854363 · 28/04/2019 22:30

If you can consider once a month regular contact somewhere like McD. Where everyone knows in advance and can plan. If he doesn’t show he misses out. Kids need him to be consistent but you can’t make him do it. So he will let them down, you won’t! Does he pay maintenance?

funnylittlefloozie · 28/04/2019 22:31

Contact centres are supervised in the sense that there is a volunteer in the room where contact is taking place. They won't watch how the parent and children interact, or write reports or anything. Its literally a facilitated place to have contact. There is no cost to either parent (or shouldnt be).

user1498854363 · 28/04/2019 22:32

Contact centres do cost and can be supervised or not. Would he pay? They are not cheap! Usually social services arrange but can do it privately. He may still not attend!

Original poster
Senseiwu · 28/04/2019 22:39

Looked up local contact centre and it's free of charge and open 2 hours every fortnight. Highly doubt he'd go for it - pp's suggestion of McD's is more likely but problem is the advance planning - he just refuses to do it. He will say no then one morning I'll get a text saying bring the kids to meet me in an hour!

OP posts:
reindeermania · 28/04/2019 22:43

Children need structure and routine. Turning up at random and therefore holding you all time hostage to him will have a negative and emotionally harmful effect upon your children.

Original poster
Senseiwu · 28/04/2019 22:46

I know, I agree. Is no contact really better though? Something I noticed during that month that we had no contact was that ds almost started to idolise him, daddy would do this, daddy wouldn't have done that, daddy's great at this, I want daddy not you! That stopped once they were seeing him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Senseiwu · 28/04/2019 23:11

I also don't think it's my place to make that decision for them. If they were saying they didn't want to see him that would be different.
I'm nc with my own abusive dad but it was my decision and I can't imagine I'd have been very pleased if my mum had decided that for me.

OP posts:
user1498854363 · 28/04/2019 23:26

Op, neither you nor the kids can sit around hoping he will text. What happens if he texts and you are out or swimming, have plans or child is unwell. It’s impractical to think you can continue to operate in this way. Contact must be arranged and planned. Otherwise it will not be hood for the kids. How old are they?
It’s ok for them to idolise him, they are processing his absense, this will change over time. As it becomes more normal that he is not around. They will have angry feelings as well.
You are not stopping him seeing them, you are doing it for the kids, hold onto that. Your lives will continue without him and ex needs to have set times to see them. You can be flexible if that suits you both, but I suspect if you start that he will take the piss.

BattenburgIsland · 28/04/2019 23:36

No contact really is better than drifting in and out of their lives. Its emotionally manipulative and damaging for him to do that to them. Children need to see consistency from caregivers when they are young.
If I were you I'd not facilitate any contact other than at the contact centre. If he does come he doesnt come... but do not keep chasing him for contact or allowing him to dictate that everyone drops what they are doing to see him... that really will damage your children more than just not seeing him at all because they will be permanently on edge... its controlling and abusive behaviour to treat you and them like that. He does not get to call all the shots he should be acting in the childrens best interests not catering to his own whims... if he xant act in their best interests he should not be seeing them.

Original poster
Senseiwu · 29/04/2019 11:10

Thanks all for advice. Interesting to hear opinions that no contact is better than sporadic contact. Still feeling at a loss for what to do and unwilling to just cut him out completely..

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/04/2019 11:22

"I also don't think it's my place to make that decision for them"

They are too young to make such decisions themselves so therefore it is down to you as their mother to do so. They have to follow your lead as well as rely on your own good judgment here.

Like practically all abusive men he continues to keep a tight grip on the power and control over you post split. He is also not above using his children to get back at you either as punishment to you for you having the gall in his eyes to leave him.

I would keep your kids well away from him, they need decent role models both male and female now to look up to and emulate.
You do not have any sort of relationship with your own abusive father these days and there is good reason why that is the case. No contact is better for your kids than having their deadbeat abusive dad drift in and out of their lives. They need consistency from both parents too and he cannot do that either.

History also has a nasty habit of repeating itself and sadly it looks like you got with someone just like your dad, after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Teach your own children better lessons than the ones you were yourself taught.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/04/2019 11:25

Do not be bogged down by fear, obligation or guilt towards your ex. It is precisely this I would argue that this has driven your decision making because you have indeed facilitated him and allowed him to control you and his children.

Original poster
Senseiwu · 29/04/2019 11:43

I always like what you write Attila!
I understand about the FOG thing but what about obligation to my kids? This is where I'm struggling. They love him, they ask for him, I have no reason to believe that he has ever been abusive when it is just the 3 of them. Abusive in front of them, yes.

OP posts:
Summersunsareglowing · 29/04/2019 12:07

"I have no reason to believe that he has ever been abusive when it is just the 3 of them. Abusive in front of them, yes."
Your ex being abusive in front of your DC is setting a bad example which they may one day follow, despite your behaviour being to the contrary.

You need a proper custody arrangement. It is fine to be flexible on occasions to facilitate other engagements either of you may have but that is not what is happening here.

If your ex sees them it should be on a regular basis on specified days and times. Why doesn't he want to see them regularly and frequently? He must have a reason.

The fact that he is a convicted drink driver who had lost his licence is not your problem. Why can't he catch a taxi to see his children? Doesn't he have family who will help with pick ups and drop offs?

Original poster
Senseiwu · 29/04/2019 12:18

I know I need a proper arrangement but he just won't agree it. He doesn't have a house or car and is sofa surfing with family who live about 30 mins away. He "doesn't do" regular - obviously this is a) a way to control my time and b) in case he has a better offer (which usually involves alcohol). I can't seem to budge him on the matter. Hence why I've been so lax in allowing him to rock up with an hour's notice.

OP posts:
titchy · 29/04/2019 12:26

I also don't think it's my place to make that decision for them

FFS your obligation to your children is to do everything in your power not to fuck with their mental health. That means not enabling contact that will long term be hugely detrimental to them. Children need stability and by allowing contact with an unstable parent you could be seen not to be able to parent sufficiently.

Original poster
Senseiwu · 29/04/2019 15:01

titchy how could you possibly presume to know my dc's mental health better than I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Senseiwu · 29/04/2019 19:33

After a lot of thought I've got my dc a cheap phone so they can text their dad and he can call them without having to see them or me. Seemed like a midway solution.

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 29/04/2019 19:59

He won't budge because he doesn't need to because you are enabling this to happen.

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