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Original poster

Is this coercive control?

40 replies

flowergirl24 · 28/04/2019 18:43

I suddenly feel like DH is controlling every aspect of my life. Some background: he is deciding where we live, meaning that I've had to sell my business. I do all the childcare, looking after 2 small children. He does not want me to go back to work because he thinks he'll be worse off (he actually will be as I've spoken to him about the fact that he will need to pay for 1/2 the childcare as I don't feel like it's fair that it all comes out of my salary).

He controls my spending. Case in point last weekend when I wanted to buy my DD a new sunhat and he went mad, claiming he could get one cheaper elsewhere. It seems trivial but it really ruined my afternoon.

But the final straw is now he is trying to control which car I drive. I bought a van for my business last year and now I'd like to buy a car which is more suitable (and cheaper to run). He is obsessed with this van and now I come to think of it, he really pushed me to buy it in the first place, even though it was with MY money.

The thing is, he has a Golf and a van for his business (which can only seat 3 in) and says that my van is the best vehicle to transport the children and dogs in. He is very good at making me feel guilty for even considering this car (its a Mini Countryman btw).

What would you do?

OP posts:
SaltSpoon · 28/04/2019 18:45

Sounds like normal relationship stuff to me.

Shylo · 28/04/2019 18:47

I’d start standing my ground and by the car I want ..... and then I’d be going back to work to get my financial independence back.

I doubt he’ll like it, but candidly he is being abusive and if he can’t sort his shit out you’ll need to be able to look after yourself so you’re not stuck in a relationship with someone who controls you. Every woman needs options

Wheresmyvagina · 28/04/2019 18:47

The fuck is that 'normal relationship stuff' Shock

That's very controlling. Are you ok?

Cherrysoup · 28/04/2019 18:48

I'd get a car that suits the family's needs best. I would have bought the sunhat too. Does he moan every time you buy anything? Does he think because you're not working, he can tell you what to buy? Because that is absolutely not on.

Bananalanacake · 28/04/2019 18:48

he sounds financially abusive. Making you feel bad for buying a sun hat.

Bananalanacake · 28/04/2019 18:50

Saltspoon was being sarcastic.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 28/04/2019 18:50

Really Saltspoon? Maybe you need to take a closer look at your life!

Yes OP, there are certainly red flags there. At worst he's an abusive, controlling arsehole, at best just an arsehole. A good relationship is a partnership of equals where you both decide things together.

aweedropofsancerre · 28/04/2019 18:51

so you had to sell you business as he decided you where you lived, you are now a SAHM parent to 2 DC and now he dictates your spending. Doesn't sound normal to me and i am shocked that you have allowed yourself to be placed in this position

category12 · 28/04/2019 18:51

What does he do when you refuse to go along with him?

Personally, I'd sell the van - it was for the business you no longer have and buy what you want. And buy the damn hat I want for dd. And go back to work and leave the bastard.

DPotter · 28/04/2019 18:51

Then you have a strange experience of "normal relationship stuff" Saltspoon

Yes flower it does sound coercive to me. Forcing a change of address significant enough to require you to sell your business, when you don't want to, is controlling.

What would I do - tell him I'm not moving, not selling my business and I'll buy whatever car I like. What have you told him so far ? What would happen if you disagreed?

Eslteacher06 · 28/04/2019 18:52

It's not normal relationship stuff at all. If you feel you're being controlled then you are. Only you though can change the situation, either by refusing to accept it or by walking away if he doesn't listen

SaltSpoon · 28/04/2019 18:52

I wasn't being sarcastic. Sounds like you have a sensible family car and he's keen to keep it. Pretty normal, really. Why are you so set on seeing it as abuse, rather than a disagreement? Newsflash to Mumsnet: disagreement does not equal abuse.

CarolDanvers · 28/04/2019 18:55

Sounds like normal relationship stuff to me

Does it fuck! Wonder what your relationship looks like if you think this is ok. Hmm

OP I well remember the going and extended sulks over trivial things such as sun hat. I remember rehearsing over and over how to tell him that the dog desperately needed grooming because I knew he’d kick off at the idea of having to spend the money - note he’d easily spent that much over two hours in the pub and not think twice.

Hard to put a stop to this once someone has got into the habit of believing that they own their significant other and therefore own their choices too. Mine didn’t relinquish it quietly. I think you need to start thinking very clearly about how this is going to go because once you start standing your ground thinks could get much worse,

hellodarkness · 28/04/2019 18:55

If he doesn't want you to go back to work why did he encourage you to buy a van for your business?

Although down by 50% of childcare costs surely he would benefit financially because you'd be contributing to household costs?

Why did he get to choose where you live?

CarolDanvers · 28/04/2019 18:57

He doesn’t want her to go back to work a he will have to pay for child care, he goes mad if she decides unilaterally to buy a small item for her child but you focus on the car saltspoon?

Original poster
flowergirl24 · 28/04/2019 19:15

Sorry I should have been clearer hellodarkness The van was for a business which I was able to run from home without having to pay for childcare. Now that we're moving, I can't run the business (it was farming and we now don't have the space) He objects to me going back to my pre-children career of teaching as there would be childcare costs involved.

He's older than me - 48 whilst I'm 33. I think the age gap makes it easy for him to be controlling. I often dread telling him things and hide things I've bought (necessary not indulgent things) as I fear his response. He's never been physically abusive, though.

I think my lack of working has reduced my self esteem and I've become a doormat. I really don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
SaltSpoon · 28/04/2019 19:30

Sounds like you need your own money. Get a job, problem solved, hopefully.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/04/2019 19:32

Moving so you could no longer work from home has landed you in the position of being an isolated, financially dependent SAHM. On top of this you say you dread telling him things and fear his response.

Yes, your DH is being controlling and you're right to be very concerned. You're going to have to change things.

I really don't know where to go from here.

I would start small. Just refuse to budge on the van. It's your van, so you're entitled to sell it and buy something that suits you.

I'd avoid any other conflict, just stick to the van.

You could kick off and go nuclear but I don't expect you want to. Obviously if things get worse or there's any violence you may have to split up, but I'd take it slowly.

The way I'd try to play it is to gradually but very firmly make him understand that you will not be cowed. So you start with the van. Later you are just as firm about going back to work. Always be calm and pleasant so that he's the one looking unreasonable.

He took your power away gradually. Take it back gradually too.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 28/04/2019 19:37

Saltspoon, wtf! Can you read?

SaltSpoon · 28/04/2019 19:40

@marvellousnightforamooncup Yes.

GertrudeCB · 28/04/2019 20:00

@Saltspoon if you can read do you have problems with comprehension? Op has clearly stated that her dh doesn't want her to have a job.

SaltSpoon · 28/04/2019 20:13

@GertrudeCB Yes, but she should get one anyway. Do you all just do what your husbands want?

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 20:18

Does he make you feel guilty for expressing your own needs and not prioritising his?

Does he complain that by expressing your needs, you have made him feel upset so you feel obliged to apologise and take responsibility for mending his emotions?

Does he put you down, make it sound like you're not capable of making good decisions, try to get others to put you down or laugh at you?

Does he make out that he's doing you a favour by putting up with you because nobody else would have you or find other ways to deliberately erode your self esteem?

Does he undermine you around the children/tell them to ignore Mummy/do things with them he knows will upset you?

Does he make it difficult for you to see friends and family, tell you they are idiots, deliberately cause conflict and make you choose between them and him?

Does he want to know what you are doing and who you are with all the time?

Does he suggest that you shouldn't be around other men because they might fancy you?

These are all things coercive controllers do. You need to be honest with yourself. Just one is a good enough reason to end the relationship to protect yourself. Obviously, your children will still have contact with him but they will also have a home that is free of coercive control with you which is really important.

Original poster
flowergirl24 · 28/04/2019 20:25

Goldmandra yes to all of those things, apart from the last one. He doesn't get jealous of me being around other men.

Oh dear, I think I have a problem. I think I need to stand up for myself or make a decision to leave.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 20:47

I think I need to stand up for myself or make a decision to leave.

You need to make the decision about how you're going to handle this very carefully. Coercive controllers can become very angry and abusive when they sense that they are losing control.

Carry on as normal right now and make a plan. Do the usual things advised on these threads like storing important documents somewhere safe, making sure you have access to money that he can't block, arranging a safe place to go to at a friend or family member's home.

Also, talk to someone in RL and let them know your plans.

Standing up to him isn't likely to end well for you. He may very well promise you the moon on a stick when he realises you're considering leaving but these people can never sustain the improvement in behaviour for long.

You're also likely to get a big dose of emotional blackmail, including suicide threats.

Don't put wheels in motion until you have a properly planned escape route and people around to support you in RL.