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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this coercive control?

40 replies

flowergirl24 · 28/04/2019 18:43

I suddenly feel like DH is controlling every aspect of my life. Some background: he is deciding where we live, meaning that I've had to sell my business. I do all the childcare, looking after 2 small children. He does not want me to go back to work because he thinks he'll be worse off (he actually will be as I've spoken to him about the fact that he will need to pay for 1/2 the childcare as I don't feel like it's fair that it all comes out of my salary).

He controls my spending. Case in point last weekend when I wanted to buy my DD a new sunhat and he went mad, claiming he could get one cheaper elsewhere. It seems trivial but it really ruined my afternoon.

But the final straw is now he is trying to control which car I drive. I bought a van for my business last year and now I'd like to buy a car which is more suitable (and cheaper to run). He is obsessed with this van and now I come to think of it, he really pushed me to buy it in the first place, even though it was with MY money.

The thing is, he has a Golf and a van for his business (which can only seat 3 in) and says that my van is the best vehicle to transport the children and dogs in. He is very good at making me feel guilty for even considering this car (its a Mini Countryman btw).

What would you do?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 28/04/2019 20:51

The fuck is that 'normal relationship stuff' Shock

That's very controlling. Are you ok?

totally agree.. he's controlling OP

MumUnderTheMoon · 28/04/2019 21:19

A relationship should be all about mutual decisions surely. He's unilaterally deciding to move your family, he doesn't want you to work. He is being very controlling but you have to stand up for yourself. Do you let him have his way because you are afraid of him? If so then yes that could rise to the level of coercive control. If you have mutually defined your relationship as one where he makes all the decisions and you just go along then it isn't healthy but I don't know that it's criminal. You have to stand up for yourself make sure that you have a say in where you move to and tell him you won't be a sahm so you both have to cover childcare. See how he reacts to a more assertive you and go from there.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 23:14

If you have mutually defined your relationship as one where he makes all the decisions and you just go along then it isn't healthy but I don't know that it's criminal.

Did you read the checklist that the OP says he ticks?

It absolutely is criminal now - thank goodness!

looondonn · 28/04/2019 23:20

Leave

Sounds awful

I'm so sorry

MumUnderTheMoon · 28/04/2019 23:31

@Goldmandra I have read the post and as I said it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. However there are people who are in relationships where one individual makes all the decisions and the other is happy to go along. For all we know ops dh thought he was in one and has acted accordingly. We don't know all sides. But none of that matters as I said if op is scared then she should take action but if not she should stand up for what she wants and go from there.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2019 23:34

The OP doesn't have to be scared for it to be illegal. Coercive control is about eroding self-esteem and self worth and making people think they deserve the abuse. That is what he is doing and it is illegal.

itsbetterthanabox · 28/04/2019 23:41

@SaltSpoon
You've complete contradicted yourself Hmm

Lozzerbmc · 29/04/2019 05:38

He is controlling your EVERY move!

Moving house is a mutual decision and you should not be doing it if one party is not happy ie you! Buying a sunhat or car with your own money is your decision.

The move you need to do is away from him. This is awful - dont let him break you down. He is eroding you so you become nothing...

Ps i have a mini countryman i love it! Get one!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 29/04/2019 05:46

No, no, no. Get back into teaching, get your salary and your pension and insist he pays half the childcare. What a dinosaur this man is.

SaltSpoon · 29/04/2019 06:59

@itsbetterthanabox No I haven't. It sounds like normal relationship disagreements. I also think all women should work, particularly (as in this case), she wants to!

stucknoue · 29/04/2019 07:13

You need to sit down and calmly talk these through - the vehicle possibly he's right about if it's expensive to run but you need to talk to him about working and money eg suggest you stay home full time until your youngest is 3, but in return have a joint account.

category12 · 29/04/2019 08:20

If he's controlling, it would be a seriously bad idea for the OP to give up any more of her independence.

I also don't see how a van would be more economical than a mini. In fact OP states the mini would be cheaper to run.

thebluearsefly · 29/04/2019 13:00

Saltspoon is being goady. No one is that thick

Goldmandra · 29/04/2019 14:59

Maybe saltspoon is in an abusive and controlling relationship herself so sees the behaviours in the checklist as normal.

Renarde1975 · 29/04/2019 15:11

@saltspoon is a troll. Probably a guy. Ignore.

Yes this absolutely is coercive control and you need out of it.

Have you your own funds OP? Time to get the old MN hackneyed phrase of 'ducks in a row'.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

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