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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cannot see how to fix marriage- have 1yr old and am pregnant

56 replies

rydell · 28/04/2019 13:03

I am posting in the hope someone can offer some advice. I really don't know what to do.

There is a lot to this so I'll outline the main bits and can give more info as needed.

I've been with DH 7.5 yrs, married 2.5, 1 year old and in early stages of unplanned second pregnancy.

DH works away, he is only here 12 days per month. When we met he did so much, I felt very special to him and we grew serious quickly. I was not wholly satisfied sexually but he was such a nice man I really fell for him.

As time went by he communicated less when he was away for work. I suppose the honeymoon phase wore off but I felt less special and often had to say I wanted more kisses, hugs, affection . He was falling into the pattern of being affectionate only when it was leading to sex. Although i have a higher sex drive so was initiating before he did. In the past, whenever I had an issue I would always say, he would apologisr for being complacent and thungs would improve for a few months then same issues.

He always wanted children and was over the moon when I fell pregnant after 1 yr 3 months trying. We had a blip before this He kbows I cannot abide liars, partly due to an earlier abusive relationship with man who turned out to be a compulsive liar. DH has always known lying is a dealbreaker for me. Trying to conceive took a while and he had a couple of big nights out away from home. I asked him not to drink (knowing he cannot have just a couple, would get very drunk) as this kills sperm. He told me he wouldn't drink then I read a message from his friend where they were laughing at how drunk they'd been. When confronted, and I did apologise for reading his message, he was pissed off with me for invading his privacy. He did apologise for lying but that chipped away at my feelings for him. Eapecially as he knew I was worried conception was not happening.

He was so caring during the pregnanxy and post birth. It was a very traumatic birth, I had PTSD until recently, my child and I had a week in hospital inc NICU and I have lasting physical damage and an ongoing clinical negligence case. He had 6 weeks at home and did everything. He was amazing. I felt so in love with him.

Over the course of last year, he did less in home and I tried to recover physically and mentally, attending 2-5 hospital appointments monthly, care for our baby and run house. I had all the mental load. Whilst he is a great dad, I felt like I had 2 children as I was always picking up after him. I felt like the mum of the house. He would do jobs but only if asked, he did a bit on own initiative but not loads. I brought it up so many times, he was annoyed but then would improve then back to square one. It really impacted my love for hom. MIL was awful last year too and he didnt believe me for ages, said he did but not convincingly, things were said to me when he was out of room. Eventually he saw begaviour himaelf and cgallenged her then she changed overnight Hmm Finally this Jan he was like a new man doing equal share of housework etc and trying to take on household responsibility. I asked him what changed, he referenced the last year, what I'd told him and he said what could he really say? that I had been right. This all slipped, the renewed efgirt, and I felt like communication getting worse. I asked him to go to marriage counselling last year he eventually agreed to go this March. It was really cathartic for me. The counsellor told him she thought I had mentally left the relationship and I said nothing, as at points I had. After the sesdion he was upset and I also told him I was not enjoying sex with him. I thought we would get through and be stronger with help of counsellor. I apologised for hurtful comments even if true .

When we met he had a motorbike. I used to ride wuth him, very fast. He has terrible speeding record. He had an accident and bike was written off. Before trying to conceive, I asked if he had plans to get another one he said no. I asked as he has a dangerous job and I didnt want children with someone with a dangerous hobby too. Ive known too many people seriouslu injured or dead on bikes.He said no. After baby born he got a flashy car and said he'd not get a motorbike as the car satisfied the urge. Recently he began mentioning getting a bike I thought he was joking. Then he said he was getting one. He said he wasnt lying before that he had changed his mind and now wanted one. I asked him not to, suggested he took up gym , sport team or roadbiking, old hobbies when we met. He said no. I asked to at least delay the decision as the timing was awul my PTSD was crippling and we were beginning marriage counselling. Marriage counsellor could see both sides. After first counselling session, we cuddled up and spokeloads, we both said we hadnt spoken as much in over a year. I felt hopeful and told him I still caredforhim. I asked on two nights if he was going to get a motorbike and he said he didnt know. He dropped the bombshelk that he had already bought it as we were taking dd to a class the bext day, I cried so much and he just said come on we'll be late. He had lied by omission the previoys two nights as he had already bought the bike. He said he bought it w
as he thought he didnt have me anymore. He woulnt cancel purchase as hed lose deposit. I felt backed into a corner. He has told more lies since, he was only going to do track days not take out on road (came home one day to house a mess and he had pissed off out on bike) he told me he would get life insurance and do a refresher bike course. Nothing done but he has spent lits of ti.e orderimg thungs for his bike.

He says I am controlling, he never does anything right.

The marriage counsellor told him to tighten up and that she cpuld shake him for getting bike at that moment and talked about the lying. After session he initially said I mustve spoken to her privately so she would take my side!

He has been aggressively shouting at me recently but then apolgetic eventually.

He thinks its just a bike but so many issues hes in denial of
He keepstrying to justify lies but says it was unacceptable. Ive asked him to move out so I have space but he says hes done nothing to warrant that.

He keeps saying he doesnt wa t to loseme and asking what he can do but Ive told him he needs to thinkhimselfim not telling him

I should point out he is a high earner and Ive been financially dependent on him since early. I am a SAHM now and earn a wage from his conpany but he's paid it less often in recent months due to big tax bill and buying his bike , imo.

OP posts:
rydell · 28/04/2019 16:48

no 6 weeks hollowvictory

Thank you I really want it to work

OP posts:
WTFisThat · 28/04/2019 17:00

Alcohol does not kill sperm Confused if it did then birth rates would fall by at least 90%! Plus, hands up anyone who got pregnant after a drunken shag 🙋

Arrowfanatic · 28/04/2019 17:06

Op, the lying is an issue not necessarily the content of the lies themselves but lying only builds distrust. You both need to continue the counselling.

Imo he hasnt done anything to warrant ending the marriage but your marriage needs work. You sound controlling by telling him he can't have a bike, and he is ignorant of your MH issues. My husband has a dangerous job and loves motorbikes. He doesnt have one now after a bad crash, but if we could afford it I'd never stop him getting another.

You both need to talk more & get on the same page.

DinoMamasaurus · 28/04/2019 17:51

Ok I’m going to take a stab at this. First off do you still love him? If yes that’s a good start to working things out. My Nana used to say (of a successful marriage) it’s not enough to love someone you have to really like them as well. Sometimes the liking part suffers when you feel unsupported. Raising small children and being pregnant is a time that puts relationships under strain as you have a totally new focus, a huge responsibility and generally a different pace of life. Less focus on partner and from partner typically because life is happening. The best relationships and those with the best intentions are not immune to this but where there are already weak points/cracks then they can be exacerbated.

From my point of view a partnership is about mutual respect and support. Being in it together.

I absolutely think your husband however coddled he was in his youth can learn to always use a loo brush where needed and put his share of washes on etc.

The bike issue is more difficult. If it’s important to him then banning it will have a negative impact. My partner has a bike and he always has. Do I like them - no. Do I worry when he uses it - yes. But it’s a part of who he is and I know he does his utmost to be safe. I would not want him to feel like he was missing out on something he wanted because of me. He’s been on some biking trips and holidays with his best friend. I’ve always had comments like I can’t believe you let him! But for me I love, respect and trust him and appreciate how hard he works for his family so I want to support him in what he wants even if it’s not exactly what I want. I do feel that he is the same with me.

My personal view is that one of the things that attracted me to my DH was that he is an independently functioning adult and why would I want to change that by telling him what he can and can’t do. This doesn’t mean putting up with anything or being a doormat. It’s mutual respect and support for one another and both having the room to be satisfied as individuals while at the same time choosing each other day after day because it’s what you want.

Telling him he should know what to do without him telling you is another issue I think. It would be lovely if it could always be the case that our partners just knew but realistically I think we need to be responsible for our needs being met and if you aren’t happy with some things then explain them as best you can so the other person can take on board and decide what they want to do about it. I think if you want to give the relationships a chance you need to be really open with him about how you feel and be prepared to listen back to how he feels. No one likes to feel criticised so this is a really hard thing to go through. But in reality no one is perfect we all have our moments when we say and do things that aren’t really on. The answer is to go forward you may both need to make adjustments/new efforts.

It’s also a matter of whether there is balance in the relationship between the good stuff and the trickier bits. Is it all highs and lows or middle ground with no spark? Can weput our hands up and say sorry when we’re wrong and agree to disagree on the non critical stuff. Sometimes it is a case of saying f* it, take a breath and a step back from whatever the fight is and think things will be better in the morning - they usually are. Can you forgive without feeling like a debt is accrued? Somethings we just can’t and that’s not our fault but maybe it’s best to walk away that try to get something from the other person that they can’t achieve.

Think about how the trial separation will help, what is your goal? If it is to shock him or punish him because then it might back fire. Do you see it as just for now or permanent? Have you thought about the reality of separating? If not then have a think about it - how would you manage practically, financially? How do you feel about ending the marriage? Are you in a place to make such a big decision now. Don’t discount the possibility that pregnancy hormones may be a factor in colouring your feelings.

Maybe none of this his helpful but it is my two penneth. I am a currently heavily pregnant, at home mum to a toddler, married to a biker so I thought i’d try and share my point of view!

rydell · 29/04/2019 12:21

isthisyoursanderling

Thank you.

No, I have no family support. I look after our toddler 20 consecutive days monthly on my own. We go out lots and see friends and family but I get no help with childcare or housework. I can count on one hand how many times dd has been away from me. I never get any kind of break. When she naps I do housework and in the evening too. I feel like DH doesnt understand this. He just keeps saying he wants more leisure time. I very occasionally get a lie in and he takes her down to do breakfast but its always when Ive asked.

My mum will watch dd for a short while in my house so I can put bins out or washing etc but she cares for my elderly disabled grandad so cannot help more. Pre dc I helped care for him too around my job.

OP posts:
rydell · 29/04/2019 15:52

arrowfanatic

Thank you for advice. Yes we are really not on the same page. We used to be. Now we are just on the same page for parenting, we have the same approach. He says I am a wonderful mother all the time and I cannot fault him as a father. But beyond that the spark is still there but it feels like we are in such a rut of the same issues and no, now I don't trust him. As we are apart mote than together, I really need to be able to and I don't know how to build it back. I have caught him telling small pointless lies recently too.

I didnt actually ban him from getting a bike I:

  • asked if he would consider another one of his old hobbies to see if that would satisfy him
Then when he said he didnt want to I just asked him to wait a few months because: -terrible timing -he has no life insurance or savings so dd and I would be homeless if worse. happened (his attitude is that it wouldnt happen to him but he already had a bad crash and I remember how it felt arriving on the scene when a friend came to get me and being in the ambulance with him and taking time off work to care for him)
  • he keeps putting things on finance when we desperately need things done in house. he earns a huge amount but I dont actually know where his money goes
  • he has not ridden for nearly 8yrs so I also suggested a refresher course

Then he had already done it behind my back. I dont think anything I said is unreasonable and he has said most of it are good points.

So many people on here have said I banned him and am controlling but I really tried to discuss with him but he just never tells anyone what he is actually thinking or feeling. I was prepared that he might still want the motorbike and that was ok but not how its happened.

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