Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cannot see how to fix marriage- have 1yr old and am pregnant

56 replies

rydell · 28/04/2019 13:03

I am posting in the hope someone can offer some advice. I really don't know what to do.

There is a lot to this so I'll outline the main bits and can give more info as needed.

I've been with DH 7.5 yrs, married 2.5, 1 year old and in early stages of unplanned second pregnancy.

DH works away, he is only here 12 days per month. When we met he did so much, I felt very special to him and we grew serious quickly. I was not wholly satisfied sexually but he was such a nice man I really fell for him.

As time went by he communicated less when he was away for work. I suppose the honeymoon phase wore off but I felt less special and often had to say I wanted more kisses, hugs, affection . He was falling into the pattern of being affectionate only when it was leading to sex. Although i have a higher sex drive so was initiating before he did. In the past, whenever I had an issue I would always say, he would apologisr for being complacent and thungs would improve for a few months then same issues.

He always wanted children and was over the moon when I fell pregnant after 1 yr 3 months trying. We had a blip before this He kbows I cannot abide liars, partly due to an earlier abusive relationship with man who turned out to be a compulsive liar. DH has always known lying is a dealbreaker for me. Trying to conceive took a while and he had a couple of big nights out away from home. I asked him not to drink (knowing he cannot have just a couple, would get very drunk) as this kills sperm. He told me he wouldn't drink then I read a message from his friend where they were laughing at how drunk they'd been. When confronted, and I did apologise for reading his message, he was pissed off with me for invading his privacy. He did apologise for lying but that chipped away at my feelings for him. Eapecially as he knew I was worried conception was not happening.

He was so caring during the pregnanxy and post birth. It was a very traumatic birth, I had PTSD until recently, my child and I had a week in hospital inc NICU and I have lasting physical damage and an ongoing clinical negligence case. He had 6 weeks at home and did everything. He was amazing. I felt so in love with him.

Over the course of last year, he did less in home and I tried to recover physically and mentally, attending 2-5 hospital appointments monthly, care for our baby and run house. I had all the mental load. Whilst he is a great dad, I felt like I had 2 children as I was always picking up after him. I felt like the mum of the house. He would do jobs but only if asked, he did a bit on own initiative but not loads. I brought it up so many times, he was annoyed but then would improve then back to square one. It really impacted my love for hom. MIL was awful last year too and he didnt believe me for ages, said he did but not convincingly, things were said to me when he was out of room. Eventually he saw begaviour himaelf and cgallenged her then she changed overnight Hmm Finally this Jan he was like a new man doing equal share of housework etc and trying to take on household responsibility. I asked him what changed, he referenced the last year, what I'd told him and he said what could he really say? that I had been right. This all slipped, the renewed efgirt, and I felt like communication getting worse. I asked him to go to marriage counselling last year he eventually agreed to go this March. It was really cathartic for me. The counsellor told him she thought I had mentally left the relationship and I said nothing, as at points I had. After the sesdion he was upset and I also told him I was not enjoying sex with him. I thought we would get through and be stronger with help of counsellor. I apologised for hurtful comments even if true .

When we met he had a motorbike. I used to ride wuth him, very fast. He has terrible speeding record. He had an accident and bike was written off. Before trying to conceive, I asked if he had plans to get another one he said no. I asked as he has a dangerous job and I didnt want children with someone with a dangerous hobby too. Ive known too many people seriouslu injured or dead on bikes.He said no. After baby born he got a flashy car and said he'd not get a motorbike as the car satisfied the urge. Recently he began mentioning getting a bike I thought he was joking. Then he said he was getting one. He said he wasnt lying before that he had changed his mind and now wanted one. I asked him not to, suggested he took up gym , sport team or roadbiking, old hobbies when we met. He said no. I asked to at least delay the decision as the timing was awul my PTSD was crippling and we were beginning marriage counselling. Marriage counsellor could see both sides. After first counselling session, we cuddled up and spokeloads, we both said we hadnt spoken as much in over a year. I felt hopeful and told him I still caredforhim. I asked on two nights if he was going to get a motorbike and he said he didnt know. He dropped the bombshelk that he had already bought it as we were taking dd to a class the bext day, I cried so much and he just said come on we'll be late. He had lied by omission the previoys two nights as he had already bought the bike. He said he bought it w
as he thought he didnt have me anymore. He woulnt cancel purchase as hed lose deposit. I felt backed into a corner. He has told more lies since, he was only going to do track days not take out on road (came home one day to house a mess and he had pissed off out on bike) he told me he would get life insurance and do a refresher bike course. Nothing done but he has spent lits of ti.e orderimg thungs for his bike.

He says I am controlling, he never does anything right.

The marriage counsellor told him to tighten up and that she cpuld shake him for getting bike at that moment and talked about the lying. After session he initially said I mustve spoken to her privately so she would take my side!

He has been aggressively shouting at me recently but then apolgetic eventually.

He thinks its just a bike but so many issues hes in denial of
He keepstrying to justify lies but says it was unacceptable. Ive asked him to move out so I have space but he says hes done nothing to warrant that.

He keeps saying he doesnt wa t to loseme and asking what he can do but Ive told him he needs to thinkhimselfim not telling him

I should point out he is a high earner and Ive been financially dependent on him since early. I am a SAHM now and earn a wage from his conpany but he's paid it less often in recent months due to big tax bill and buying his bike , imo.

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 28/04/2019 15:35

You don't sound very compatibleConfused

rydell · 28/04/2019 15:40

furiousvexation

Yes it is. I had 3 step rewind its like EMDR. Contact the Birth Trauma Association if you are intereated. Many other women have had several sessions like me and its worked. Before that I saw NHS birth trauma psychologist for 12 months of therapy so it was just the core of the PTSD remaining

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 28/04/2019 15:40

OP you sound very hard work, he works away but on his rest days you expect him to dance attendance on you, unfortunately marriage isn't a fairytale, you seem to have high expectations and want everything done your way. Dictating if he can drink, have a hobby, I'm irritated on his behalf.

rydell · 28/04/2019 15:41

bookworm4 no I expext to not to treated as a servant in my own home

OP posts:
kmammamalto · 28/04/2019 15:41

@mynameisjune haha I pregnant with number 2 too! Only 16 weeks. I like working and three days is a good, but busy, balance. After number 2 is born I don't think I'll go back for a while. Like you say, it's got to work for your family! Good luck with your new baby!

Bookworm4 · 28/04/2019 15:42

Don't pick up after him, look after yourself and DC, he'll soon run out of clean pants.

rydell · 28/04/2019 15:43

bokkworm4

Recent example

I had been vomiting from morning sickness while looking after toddlwe on my own.

He was in bed hungover and was angry at me I woke him up to help look after out child.

How is that expexting a fairytale marriage ffs? I expext him to pull his weight

His family came to stay recently I asked for his help making the beds for them I got ahouted at as he wanted to watch football instead

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 28/04/2019 15:51

You know the thing where you tell someone not to do something, and they then go ahead and do it? It's because human beings are in the whole programmed to want what they've been told they can't have.

If my DH told me not to get drunk or not to get a fast car, I know exactly what the response would be. You seem to think marriage is about controlling the other partner.

The thing you said about him cooking everything because he enjoys it, it's his hobby. I can tell you, its not a hobby when you always do it. My lazy cunt of an exH used that excuse, as to why I should do all the cooking, but you enjoy cooking he said, even after I explicitly said I didn't want to do it all the time.

Your DH does appear to be reacting to your behaviour, and not in a positive way. He sounds like he's defending himself from feeling constany under attack.

You should look to improve your own financial situation so then I'd it continues down this route you have options...

rydell · 28/04/2019 15:53

treacletoots he has said multiple times he loves the cooking even when I eant to do it instead he doesnt like me to

OP posts:
Windygate · 28/04/2019 15:53

So are you prepared to be a lone parent to two children?

rydell · 28/04/2019 16:00

Windygate rather than be unhappily married, yes. He is really reluctant to aee the marriage coinsellor because she told him his behaviour towards me is not acceptable. He thinks she is biased. I was hoping counselling would help. When things are good between us theyre very good. We are both from broken homes we both want our children to have a happy home with both parents

So many people are saying he didnt lie about the bike but he did. He said he didnt know if he would get one but he had already bought it

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 28/04/2019 16:02

You sound overly obsessed with controlling things to a severe point. To ban your partner from a buying a motorbike because he may have an accident is ridiculous. He could get hit by a bus crossing the road. DH has 2 kids and rides on daily for his commute. He didnt tell you because you dictate rather than discussing. There is no room for compromise. Yes alcohol impedes conception but again to dictate that he simply cannot have a drink or a night out the whole time you're TTC is ludicrous. Did you therapist talk about transactional analysis? You appear to be in a critical parent role and your partner that of a child. Then you dislike him being a child and he clearly isn't getting on well with you trying to parent him so is being a rebellious teenager. You are both causing and repeating this unhealthy dynamic.

rydell · 28/04/2019 16:06

blackcat I had actually already thought he might still want a bike. I thoight if he did I would ask him to get life insurance, do a refresher course and just give it a month or so till the marriage was on more stable ground. Also he keeps putting everything on finance and keeping me short of money so I was going to suggest he saved the deposit

So actually I was prepared to meet in the middle and meanwhile he was saying he didnt kbow if he would buy a bike and oretending to listen to my point of view but he had already bought the bike

OP posts:
rydell · 28/04/2019 16:08

I dont dictate at all. He doesnt discuss.

You overlook the lies bigcat. With the drinkinh thing, it was only when ttc no other time. He read the studies I was reading, said he agreed and was happy not to drink and went and did the opposite. If he had told me he didnt want to cut back on drinking then we couldve discussed it but he just pretends.

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 28/04/2019 16:09

Op why don’t you work? That way you could have your own money and not rely on him for everything.

rydell · 28/04/2019 16:12

I used to work as a secondary school teacher with tlr. But we both wanted me to be a SAHM. I love being at home with our daughter and he supports me staying home or returning to work.

OP posts:
mimibunz · 28/04/2019 16:16

You’re really not compatible. You with your deal breakers. Lol! Let him live or dump him, but stop controlling him.

IsThisYourSanderling · 28/04/2019 16:17

Surprised at these responses. Poor you OP. An unplanned pregnancy when you already have a baby and are doing almost all the grunt work with parenting and around the house, must be scary and hard. Your DH sounds childish and selfish. The aggression worries me - he shouldn't be 'aggressively shouting' at you. High stress levels aren't good for pregnant women, he should be helping you relax, not contributing to them / causing them.

Do you gave family support?

IsThisYourSanderling · 28/04/2019 16:18

Do you have, that should say

Hollowvictory · 28/04/2019 16:19

Sorry I agree you sound like you are quite a tough person to be in a relationship with and it's your way or nothing. To be fair your dh works away a lot which must be lonely and boring, supported you through ptsd etc. He has good points. You disagree about the motorbike but he's an adult and you can't ban him from doing this.
I think you need to work on yourself a bit, be a bit more flexible and stop banning him from doing things. Let him be an adult. He sounds fundamentally a good person. 8 think your life may be worse without him, Esther than better.

IsThisYourSanderling · 28/04/2019 16:20

Any why everyone is casually ignoring the fact that this man can't drink without getting plastered, and lies about it, is beyond me. Never a good sign OP.

rydell · 28/04/2019 16:21

Mynameisjune I do wish I hadnt become dependent on him though. He always encouraged me to because when we met he quickly outeart me massively. We do own our home jointly though as I put lots into deposit

OP posts:
rydell · 28/04/2019 16:23

hollowvictory he loves his job but misses me and out child

He did nothing to support me with the ptsd he never asked how I was. I so understand that he didnt know what to say.

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 28/04/2019 16:27

If he is keeping you short of money then he isn’t supporting you is he?

Hollowvictory · 28/04/2019 16:38

Ah OK I misunderstood. I thought you said he did everything for 6 months.
Hope the counselling helps, it doesn't sound irretrievable.