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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong? Trying to keep a clear head on dps words

40 replies

Stuckandsad · 28/04/2019 11:39

A bit of back ground- we've been together 2 years, don't live together, I have a 7 yo son. He is quite open about being a bit jealous. I am 30, he is 40.

Thursday night DP picked me up after my shift at a local bar, the uniform is all black but whatever we want really. Dp has expressed quite nastily before that he doesn't like men looking at me when I'm working but I think it's in his head. I don't get approached/hassled more than an ordinary barmaid.
On Thursday I was wearing - black leggings, ankle boots, t shirt and jumper. As I got into the car he said "so you haven't tried very hard to cover yourself up then. Again." I got straight back out and walked home alone. I sent a message that he was mean and controlling and he says he hasn't been, that he was just expressing what was appropriate to wear in work.
He hasnt apologised.
He has form for this and I've told him the last time that speaking to me with contempt over my looks isn't something I will put up with. He is trying to be sweet now, dropping sweets off at my work and saying that we 'just have terrible communication'.

I'm not mad am I? This is unacceptable isn't it?
I have 3 brothers and I cannot imagine them ever speaking to their wives like this. I left my exh for the same sort of reasons (being disrespectful and cruel- it grew over time)
The same for my son. I would hit the roof!
I'm not even a person that dresses in a revealing way. Not that I have a problem with other people doing it.
I feel like I need to break up with him, even though he is fun and kind 90 percent of the time

OP posts:

potatopeelings · 28/04/2019 11:42

Oh no no no. He is not the boss of you. If I were you I'd dump him pronto.

He might be fun and kind 90% of the time, but who wants 10% trouble in a relationship?

SignedUpJust4This · 28/04/2019 11:44

Run run run run run away now.

RiversDisguise · 28/04/2019 11:46

He's an abusive arsehole. Tip of the iceberg. Run.

iklboo · 28/04/2019 11:47

If your boss thinks what you wear is appropriate for work then it is. What does he want you to wear - a burka?

Singlenotsingle · 28/04/2019 11:48

Time to go. The writing's on the wall. Is he from a different ethnic background?

Tolleshunt · 28/04/2019 11:49

He's controlling and abusive. He sees you as his property, rather than another human being. Get out now, while you have no kids together, or financial ties.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 28/04/2019 11:51

Dp has expressed quite nastily before that he doesn't like men looking at me when I'm working

Enormous red flag.

As is the rest of it. Lovebombing instead of apologies, speaking to you with contempt, just generally having no respect for you and seeing you as his property (otherwise why wouldn't men be allowed to look at you?)

It shouldn't matter if you went to work in a fucking bikini, you're not his property and you're a grown woman and can make decisions about your own damn body!

Beachbodynowayready · 28/04/2019 11:51

He is a twat.
Dump him today.. Wear what you want.
And enjoy your ds guilt free.
Why would you keep such a man?

ElspethFlashman · 28/04/2019 11:52

You are 100% correct.

Dump the nasty misogynist bastard.

lazylinguist · 28/04/2019 11:53

Dp has expressed quite nastily before that he doesn't like men looking at me

Only needed to read this far into your post to know he is an abusive arsehole. This is not ok. He does not have the right to police your clothes. He does not get to decide that it's your fault if men look at you. He's not 'a bit jealous' - he is controlling and misogynist.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/04/2019 11:53

He’s a bad choice. Dump. Why stay with someone controlling and disrespectful. It will be a waste and a misery.

wishywashy6 · 28/04/2019 11:53

Agree with others. Run. My ex was like this and it's one of the many reasons he's an ex

InTheHeatofLisbon · 28/04/2019 11:55

Also, the "90% of the time" would lessen over time I'd bet, especially once you were living together.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 28/04/2019 11:55

Run like fuck. Do you want this man in your life and being an influence on your DS, as well as a danger to you?

Dvg · 28/04/2019 12:10

so hes a controlling abusive Twat? Charming...

Mummaofmytribe · 28/04/2019 12:15

Huge red flag. You already know it is. End it. Good luck with a happy life without that kind of treatment

EnaSt · 28/04/2019 12:17

He hasn't apologised because in his mind he is right. Which means this will never change. If he tries to control your outfit now, who knows what comes later. I would stay away from guys like him that try to get in your personal space.

Original poster

Stuckandsad · 28/04/2019 12:18

No hes white British. Just a white British twat I guess. And no I've never been told by my manager that I look inappropriate. I wear the same as the other women who work there.
Urgh, so pissed off with myself for not just ending it the first bloody time.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/04/2019 12:21

Just make sure he doesn't sweet talk you into staying with him. He's disgusting

BertrandRussell · 28/04/2019 12:21

“Is he from a different ethnic background?”

What do you mean?

Senseiwu · 28/04/2019 12:24

Well done for getting straight out the car. I would now be getting out the relationship too!

RelapsedChocoholic · 28/04/2019 12:31

100% this:
It shouldn't matter if you went to work in a fucking bikini, you're not his property and you're a grown woman and can make decisions about your own damn body!

Well done for getting out of the car and walking away! (It doesn’t matter that you didn’t do it the first time, it matters that you’ve done it now)

Scarlettmaid · 28/04/2019 12:38

Got similar behaviour from an ex when I was 18. Still have nightmares about it 20 years later. This is abuse, plain and simple. You deserve better. No one, no matter how smart, rich, kind,funny, should ever get away with this. I wish someone had sat me down all those years ago and told me it was abuse. I put up with it for far too long. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 28/04/2019 12:38

You don’t have terrible communication. The words he spoke were perfectly clear. They were not open to misinterpretation and you understood them. You then communicated perfectly clearly that what he said was unacceptable.
He has now, three days later, still no actually used the word ‘sorry’. This is not a mistake. He hasn’t said sorry because he is NOT sorry.
You need to be clear with him again- this is over. He sounds like someone who twists words and facts to suit himself - please don’t let him. Keep it short and be explicit that there is no way back, it’s over.
You sound brave enough for this OP. Keep going.

Shoxfordian · 28/04/2019 12:38

Dump him today
Huge red flag

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