Aibu - husband or me who is U?

[Namechanger385u4o]

Firstly just checking name change

Ok cool
Background - we have a toddler DC and one on the way, married for a few years, im a bit younger. We used to like going out a lot before dc - obvs i dont do that at all now.

Dh always goes out way later than he says he will. E.g. he's only en route back now after saying he wants a few drinks at a friend's house.

This happens this late about once a month, goes out not too late every week. I spend all night calling him to come back.

Pros - he's a good dad and mostly sensible. He earns enough for me to be a sahm and tbh after growing up with not a lot someone with a good well paying job is important to me. On the whole he's good to me but it's just the drink thing that's getting me down.

If we didnt have dc i wouldnt see him that often tbh. We live in london but my parents are from the midlands so have no family near, ils are nice.

Im early 30s and he's late 30s. Just feel like he thinks he's at uni still.

Why can't he occasionally go out with friends? Why do you have to 'call him to come back' all night?

I'd just leave him to it too, plus I'd go out with my mates from time to time also and let him stay home with the children

This happens this late about once a month, goes out not too late every week. I spend all night calling him to come back.

So he goes out once a week? Why do you spend all night calling him to come back? What's the problem?

I know so i am a bit unreasonable here (he's back now), going out with friends is fine but it's just knowing that it will turn into an all night bender that gets me so annoyed. He said he was going for a few drinks last night and rolled in just now. He had also been out on thursday (im fine with that) and was at the rugby/pub sat afternoon (i had something else on so also fine). I guess i am U but i want to do nice family things on the weekend, not have 1 day of hangover. I see friends for dinner but am not really into all nighters anymore

Also it means he won't be very productive with DC the next day

Hes done silly stuff after drinking before and i just feel he never learns, he's going to be 50 and going out til 6am

You said he was late 30s so surely he's going to be 40 first?

I think a serious conversation and agreement is needed. If he wants to do an all nighter once a month I don't think that's a big issue, as long as he'd be happy with you doing the same. Maybe grab a cheap hotel deal for yourself next weekend and test?

Why can't you just go to bed if he's out with his mates? You sound a bit needy tbh.

I'd be very annoyed if my husband rolled in at 7am - YANBU at all!! He's not going to be much company today is he? Plus you're pregnant so it's your prerogative to 'BU' (I.e want help with your toddler. Some on the replies on here amaze me!!

I can understand you're frustration. Is there anyway you can both take it in turns so you can time out too?

Once a month and pre arranged not so bad, every week is too much. You need to sit down and discuss your and his expectations sooner rather than later, you will soon have a newborn and with a toddler that’s a lot harder.

I do think though that going out with friends for drinks should be once a week max though not two or three times. If he says he’s going out and it’s not an all nighter don’t keep calling him, that’s just annoying. You need to be able to trust him to do what he’s said he will. Obviously if he doesn’t keep to it there’s a bigger issue.

The biggest concern in your post is where you say that if you didn’t have children you would barely see him. That’s not normal, you have a young child and should want to be spending time together as a family otherwise quite what’s the point of being together?

YANBU

Maybe once in a blue moon, but constantly going out and writing off family time on the Sunday... Have a word with him about it.

All these people saying you're controlling and needy , I do not agree. If I was pregnant and dealing with a toddler I wouldn't appreciate my husband coming home at 7am after a bender every month. Once or twice a year maybe, but not every month.

It's fine to go out for a few drinks, come back pretty late and have a bit of a hangover. But going out and staying out all night and being totally useless the next day?? Not on.

But maybe I'm just 'controlling' 🤷‍♀️

Can you not agree to certain days and times and tell him you won't contact him during that time if he sticks to that? Sounds like trust/respect between you both is being affected. If he can't follow a mutual agreement then yeah, it won't get much better.

I think it’s important to get some “me” time if you need it. And once a month going on the lash is ok I think. 12 times a year that’s fine.

As long as you get some time off too. Maybe weekends away just you?

I don't think that's a lot of down time for him to take given he works all week and you don't. The drinking itsntugreat for his health so I would worry about that but the actual time wouldn't bother me in this scenario.

@icecreamandcandyfloss

She does work...24/7. She just doesn't get paid.

Well you shouldn't be phoning him all night, but his drinking sounds problematic.
Today is a write off and there is no point trying to talk when he has a hangover. I'd be tempted to leave him with the toddler and go out for a nice brunch at about 10.
Then try and have a talk with him on Tues evening.

Wow so many horrible judgey posters on here this morning! If I was pregnant and at home with a toddler and my partner thought it was ok to roll in at 7am without a call to let me know he's ok or that he isn't going to be home I would hit the fecking roof!!! You are not being unreasonable at all he is being horribly selfish! He doesn't answer his phone to you?? What if there was a problem with you or your dc?? His behaviour is not ok and you need to make sure he knows that!

He’s OTT and Yanbu - but the constant calling must be irritating. Talk about it calmly. Compromise.

Make sure you have time with your friends too.

I don’t think that’s acceptable behaviour when you have small children. Maybe a one-off night out once a year you can accept but not going out getting drunk several times a week and the benders should stop.

I take the points as coming across needy and controlling.

I just get frustrated as (a) i dont feel other couples i know with young kids have the DH going on all these benders and (b) i know if i dont try and control it it gets out of control (eg the week before i had dc i had to stay in hospital and H was with me during the days (waiting to go to labour ward) one night he ended up going out out on his way home as he found the situation "stressful" and was late coming back the next day, never mind i could have given birth during that time)

Apparently last night he was in a basement bar, when i got hold of him he said he was in a taxi but then took it to a friend's house - this happened again when i called later on.

He's playing football in a bit and i need to take dc to church (school admissions related so can't skip) but ill try talking to him later. I feel ive tried so many times and he wont listen, pre arranged so i can go to my parents and have a nice weekend there is fine but he acts like an immature student. He wants to buy a house in a super ££ area aa apparently the suburbs ive suggested are "boring with no night life"

And the thing is if i did ever leave im trapped down here and although his family are a support network now they obvs wouldnt be in that situation.

I know ive made all the decisions that lead me to this point but aghghghghhh

I don't think it's acceptable for a married man with kids to frequently stay out all night. What is he doing? Where can you go at 5am? Where's his sense of responsibility. I know others say this is OK but set your own boundaries. my DH would never do this. He goes ot very rarely. When he does he is back exactly when he promised he would be which is never after midnight. I suggest you make it loud and clear that this is unacceptable or at the very least start doing it yourself. See how he likes it.

Sounds like you are living with a late teen age ds.....
After church he needs to have the dc while you buggar off out. .
Switch off your phone also.

YABU.

My ex was like this starting when I was pregnant, and it just continued to escalate. Hence ex. It's not unreasonable for anyone to go out and enjoy themselves once a week but when the enjoyment means an extra day is written off due to a hangover it becomes tiresome. My ex was drinking every single day though, and sneaking off to the pub at any opportunity, he'd pop out for milk and be 3 hours, come back tipsy. I gave him an ultimatum, me and DC or the drink, and he chose the drink. Your husband may not be an alcoholic, but your behaviour calling him all night when he is out is just going to make him immaturely rebel and stay out later/more often in all likelihood. You need a serious sit down talk about how his behaviour is affecting you and come up with a compromise.