I think Mum has lied to me

[S1sterSpecs]

I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible, but avoid drip-feeding.

My parents divorced many years ago. I returned with DM to live in her home town, DD remained in his. I had a pretty distant relationship with him over many years. My relationship with DM was always quite volatile and at times, I felt ‘controlled’.

Things came to a head in 2012 just after I’d returned from a visit to DF with my DH and then-4yo son. It was only the second time my DF had met his grandson. My DM got very angry when I mentioned the visit and then proceeded to tell me some ‘home truths’ about DF. I knew there had been incidences of domestic violence during their marriage, but what she said took things to a far more serious level.

Essentially, I ended up going very low contact with DF, even though I wasn’t 100% sure that what she had told me was not another move to control me. I felt I had no choice of my relationship with her was to continue. In 2015, he died very suddenly. I hadn’t seen him in 3 years.

The 4 years since he died have been a roller-coaster. I’ve fought depression for most of my adult life and went through a terrible time after DF died. Although on the surface DM was supportive (looking after DS so DH and I could travel to the funeral), at times she was very cold. I remember her telling me that DF had always been the ‘elephant in the room’ but that she thought that would end after he died. DM also suffers depression and had a fairly severe breakdown a few months after DF died (We also lost my DGM that year). At times, I felt I had to put my grief on hold to help her.

So, to the present. I’m still coming to terms with losing DF, trying to keep the depression at bay and get back to living a normal life with DH and DS. I have a still-volatile relationship with DM and having gone into therapy, feel certain now that she shows classic narcissistic traits. I’ve found myself keeping more at a distance to protect me and my family.

We have been a bit closer of late and, a couple of days ago - out of the blue - she gave me what she said was her wedding ring from her marriage to DF. I was a bit surprised that she would still have it, but she said that she’d kept it in case I ever wanted it and that DF “wasn’t all bad”. I felt very emotional but happy to have something to connect me with the two of them. I have very few photos or momentos of DF and nothing of us as a family.

When I looked again at the ring again the next day, it did strike me that the ring was in very pristine condition considering its age. I thought I’d reassure myself by looking up the hallmark, which was clearly visible using the zoom lens on my phone.

I’ve yet to have it confirmed by a jeweller, but I now have very good reason to think that this ring was made long after my parents divorced and therefore, it CANNOT be DM’s wedding ring.

I feel totally gutted. It’s brought the feelings of grief about my DF right back to the surface, made me doubt everything she claimed about him and made me feel like I’ve been taken for a fool. Again.

At the very least, this is an ill-judged attempt to try and give me closure and at worst, it’s cruel and manipulative. I simply don’t know what she was thinking. I don’t think I can trust her at all anymore.

I feel like returning the ring to DM to see what she comes out with, but she can be very nasty when confronted and somehow twist things round so she’s the wronged party (classic narcissism). And if I’m honest, I don’t think it would be good for my mental health.

So, what should I do now?

SS

Gosh that is hard. I would return it to her and say there must be some mistake, this can not be your wedding ring. She may have given you the wrong ring by mistake and she does have the actual ring still. Just from my experience of losing my dad who wasn't the easiest person , whilst he was alive, I found him hard work and at times horrible. But now he has been gone a few years, I look back with a fondness for him that I never saw coming. Perhaps she is going through the same thing. Grief is a funny thing. She may be regretting her attitude to him and she may wish that she had been easier on him now. She may be trying to process that by offering you this ring. I think you should try to see the best in her if you can because she too may be gone sooner than you think.

Perhaps she never wore it much. Check with a jeweler first, before confronting your mother.

Thanks for your reply jellymaker.

DH has said the same as you and that I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I want to believe that there is another ring (the actual wedding ring), I’m just not sure I can.

Thanks for the reply CaptSkippy.

I was hoping the same. Unfortunately, the ring has a particular hallmark that wasn’t used until after 1999. They were divorced about 20 years by then.

I'd still check to make sure.

Bumping for traffic. Any more thoughts?

I agree with CaptSkippy. Get the ring checked by an expert before you speak to your mother. She may well have some guilt regarding what she said about your DF (whether it's true or not) or recognised your own sadness in not having him in your life or that of your DC for so long before he died. Or she may have other reasons you're not aware of yet.

Whatever: you need to be as sure as you can be first before you confront her and she possibly unleashes any narcissistic behaviour in your direction which could have repercussions for the future.

I'm sending you luck and a hug OP. 🌹

I would get the ring further evaluated by a jeweller. However, I feel that speaking to your mother about the ring is not worth it because she could well come out with double speak and or make it all about her again.

She controlled your relationship with your dad whilst he was alive and such people do not do guilt. I would therefore continue to keep her both mentally and physically at some distance from you. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are often discarded or are infact as narcissistic as they are.

BTW does your late father have siblings; is there an aunt or uncle you can possibly talk to here?.

You may well find the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages of interest too.

What I would be worried about is if your mother lied to you about your DF's behaviour. I know you said you knew about some cases of domestic violence but do you believe her latest version that if far worse OP?

I think I would get three separate jewellers to verify that the symbols on the hallmark illustrate what you suspect and I would then ask her for the actual ring. If she kicks off, I don't think I would be able to forgive her and would probably cut contact. i think this would be the best path for your own mental health.
Vitally you have to do whatever suits you best. Feel no guilt. She sounds dreadful.

Thanks for the reply Happynow001.

It’s deciding whether or not to confront DM that’s troubling me.

As much as I don’t want to let her off the hook about this, she is capable of being incredibly cruel when backed into a corner and I am starting to think that I have to use what mental strength I have left to protect myself and my family from her.

Thanks for your reply AttilaTheMeerkat.

Having read up on narcissistic behaviour, I am starting to think that confronting DM would be pointless. She’s unlikely to tell me the truth and will simply try to turn it around so that I’m the persecutor and she’s the victim. It seems I’m really in a no-win situation here.

My DF does have surviving siblings. However, I barely know them as we lost touch after my parents split and I’m only in contact with them now via social media as a result of meeting them again at his funeral.

I think it might be good for you to meet your dad's family, if that's possible.

did she maybe have the ring re-sized and it would’ve been re-hallmarked at that point?

There is no point confronting her. It will always feed her in some way. You need to look up 'grey rock'. It's the only way to manage someone like her.

My dear @S1sterSpecs

You must do what works for you and your own family. This is your life to live as well, as stress free, as happily as you possibly can.

My best wishes for whatever you decide to do. 🌺

Thanks for the reply CKWattisthemanager.

Tbh, I’ve questioned her claims many times in my head. I’ve never been 100% certain that she didn’t make them out of a desperate need to force my loyalty and keep me from seeing DF. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never know the truth now he is gone. I was actually beginning to do that until she gave me the sodding ring. Now all I can think is if she’s lied about this, what else has she lied about.

I’m not sure I’m strong enough to go NC. She’s pretty much the only family I have other than DH and DS. We live reasonably close to each other. Curiously, she’s been an amazing GM to my son and I know he’d be heartbroken if I stopped her from seeing him altogether. Rather like I was when she made me choose between her and DF.

Now it looks as though I’ve caught her in her own trap, I should feel like I get to decide the terms of our relationship going forward. I just wish it didn’t hurt as much as it does.

Thanks for the reply mooncup.

I have been in contact with a few members of DF’s family via social media since his funeral, but if I’m honest I’m just not sure I can face going back to his home town to see them. I only ever went back to see him and now he’s gone, it just seems too painful.

It’s possible, I guess doodlejump1980. But given the hallmark, it would have to have been done after 1999. They had already been divorced around 20 years by 1999 (plus she would have been remarried for around 15 years ). So, unlikely. But thanks for clutching.....

I’m thinking the same thing, picklemepopcorn. I really wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Thanks.

Thank you for your kind words, Happynow001. All I want is to live with my little family (me, DH, DS and Ddog) as happily and as drama-free as possible. We deserve it.

Has the ring not got a date letter & assay mark?

Hi reddA

No, there’s no date letter. Which is what made me think something wasn’t right. They were compulsory on jewellery hallmarked before 1999. Parents were married 1970. Two of the other hallmarks also suggest the ring was made AFTER they were actually married. One of them has only been used since 1999.

Do you have an image? DP deals in Antique Jewellery :)

Here you go, reddA:

Thanks @S1sterSpecs - yes, it's definitely later, it's laser which wouldn't have been used in the 70's, more likely 2000 onwards as you rightly thought :( Hope you get to the bottom of it all x