I think Mum has lied to me

[S1sterSpecs]

I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible, but avoid drip-feeding.

My parents divorced many years ago. I returned with DM to live in her home town, DD remained in his. I had a pretty distant relationship with him over many years. My relationship with DM was always quite volatile and at times, I felt ‘controlled’.

Things came to a head in 2012 just after I’d returned from a visit to DF with my DH and then-4yo son. It was only the second time my DF had met his grandson. My DM got very angry when I mentioned the visit and then proceeded to tell me some ‘home truths’ about DF. I knew there had been incidences of domestic violence during their marriage, but what she said took things to a far more serious level.

Essentially, I ended up going very low contact with DF, even though I wasn’t 100% sure that what she had told me was not another move to control me. I felt I had no choice of my relationship with her was to continue. In 2015, he died very suddenly. I hadn’t seen him in 3 years.

The 4 years since he died have been a roller-coaster. I’ve fought depression for most of my adult life and went through a terrible time after DF died. Although on the surface DM was supportive (looking after DS so DH and I could travel to the funeral), at times she was very cold. I remember her telling me that DF had always been the ‘elephant in the room’ but that she thought that would end after he died. DM also suffers depression and had a fairly severe breakdown a few months after DF died (We also lost my DGM that year). At times, I felt I had to put my grief on hold to help her.

So, to the present. I’m still coming to terms with losing DF, trying to keep the depression at bay and get back to living a normal life with DH and DS. I have a still-volatile relationship with DM and having gone into therapy, feel certain now that she shows classic narcissistic traits. I’ve found myself keeping more at a distance to protect me and my family.

We have been a bit closer of late and, a couple of days ago - out of the blue - she gave me what she said was her wedding ring from her marriage to DF. I was a bit surprised that she would still have it, but she said that she’d kept it in case I ever wanted it and that DF “wasn’t all bad”. I felt very emotional but happy to have something to connect me with the two of them. I have very few photos or momentos of DF and nothing of us as a family.

When I looked again at the ring again the next day, it did strike me that the ring was in very pristine condition considering its age. I thought I’d reassure myself by looking up the hallmark, which was clearly visible using the zoom lens on my phone.

I’ve yet to have it confirmed by a jeweller, but I now have very good reason to think that this ring was made long after my parents divorced and therefore, it CANNOT be DM’s wedding ring.

I feel totally gutted. It’s brought the feelings of grief about my DF right back to the surface, made me doubt everything she claimed about him and made me feel like I’ve been taken for a fool. Again.

At the very least, this is an ill-judged attempt to try and give me closure and at worst, it’s cruel and manipulative. I simply don’t know what she was thinking. I don’t think I can trust her at all anymore.

I feel like returning the ring to DM to see what she comes out with, but she can be very nasty when confronted and somehow twist things round so she’s the wronged party (classic narcissism). And if I’m honest, I don’t think it would be good for my mental health.

So, what should I do now?

SS

Thanks to you/your DP for having a look.

I was wondering if the hallmark had been lasered on. It’s quite a large hallmark compared to those on my own wedding/engagement ring and isn’t ‘stamped’ in.

I’m starting to think this ring probably hadn’t even been made when I got married in 2001.....

Still, knowledge is power, isn’t it!?

Update:

After mulling it over for several days and coming to the conclusion that I was possibly being utterly paranoid, I decided to call my mum yesterday.

I prepared myself for a possible onslaught and vowed to stay calm and rational whatever happened.

I kept the conversation friendly and light and started off by saying that I didn’t quite know how to put it, but was it possible that she’d given me the wrong ring, I then explained the situation with the hallmarks.

Her reaction was almost deadpan. Not a hint of embarrassment or an apology (I would’ve been absolutely mortified). She then spent the next few minutes basically bullshitting me about what had ‘obviously’ happened to the ring. Totally contradicting herself at times.

The call ended with me telling her that although I was disappointed, that it was only a ring and that I just wasn’t meant to have it.

I now believe that there was never a ‘genuine’ ring went a long time ago, probably around the time of the divorce.

Strangely, the call left me with a strange feeling of relief. Like I finally see her as she really is.

At the moment I feel kind of numb, empty even. I don’t feel angry at her, in fact I feel sorry for her. But she won’t change, will she?

I think it will take me some time to process all my feelings. I’m sure I will grieve for the relationship I wish I had. It’s also brought a lot of unresolved feelings about my dad back to the surface. Luckily, I have a great counsellor!

My priority now is to look after myself and my family and live the best life I can with them. I’m not considering going NC with mum at the moment, but I do need to step back from our relationship.

Thanks to everyone who offered me advice. It really helped get things clear in my mind. Maybe I shall get to know some of you on the ‘Stately Homes’ thread.

SS

Thanks for updating S1ster so few people do.

I agree with you. You have had a moment of clarity. It has helped lay a ghost.

I would love to have a normal relationship with my sister. I am virtually 100% NC with her by my own hand. She has always bullied and dominated me even though I would love to have a sister relationship with her. She is incapable of any fine feeling towards me or anyone else for that matter. She says and does nothing unless it is for self promotion and one day I was watching her at a wake. She was yapping on to anyone who would listen and I realised how vile she actually was. It was my moment of clarity.
You have the ring as a symbol of yours. You are right. She will never change.

I've found I can maintain contact with mine, using grey rock techniques and she lives a long way away.

With support from your family and counsellor, you'll do great!

I think you need to cut your Mum a bit of slack here.

My ExH cheated on me many times, he was also occasionally violent. Everything was hidden from the children though, and when we split they were 11 & 9, and I remember being very careful not to bad mouth their Dad. However, since they've been adults there are times that I have felt completely backed in to a corner, and I've told them some home truths.

It sounds like your Mum didn't want to tell you everything about your Dad, however when you visited him she got angry and blurted out what he was really like.

Since then he's died and she feels your pain, and is now trying to soften his memory for your sake. It's a stupid idea to lie about the ring, but perhaps she was trying to give you something to hang on to.

Until you are in the position of being mistreated by the father of your children, whilst trying to protect his image for their sake, don't judge how incredibly hard this is.

Thanks for your response Huskylover1.

I believe I have cut my mum an awful lot of slack over the years. The tension in our relationship hasn’t all been centred around my late father. If it was, I would be far more understanding.

No, my father was not a particularly nice person, I knew that from a relatively young age. But that does not warrant the mind games I’ve been subject to over many years. I believe her behaviour goes back even further than her marriage. My grandmother had a tendency to behave the same way.

The fact that she ‘doubled down’ when she knew that the ring couldn’t possibly have been hers and attempted to deflect the blame for its disposal onto others confirmed that she will literally do anything to try and manipulate me. I gave her every opportunity to be honest and open with me.

Put simply, I have to make the difficult decision (and it is) to maintain a ‘safe’ distance from her until she can acknowledge what she is doing and seeks help. And I fear the chances of that happening are, sadly, slim.

Wishing you well.