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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

needing advice...marriage breaking down..

30 replies

needsadvice · 16/07/2007 16:37

oh i hope, i hope the name change works....

i'll try and keep it short.... i've been married to my husband since 2004, we have a 3 year old son and due to horrible circumstances last year, i left him to live in a refuge (with our son) in sept. 2006. (*no physical violence i should point out, only mental abuse) - we reconciled just after xmas 2006 and i moved back into our house.

now, months on, things are not working out. i am worried to be writing here about it. the marriage is falling apart all over again and i dont know what to do about it.

i have contacted the CAB about my rights etc and if i continue to live in the household with my husband whilst we are separated i will not (apparently) qualify for any benefits (save for child benefit that i already get) i dont know what to do.

the marriage is becoming unbearable and we've been to counselling. its just a matter of we're not right for each other. i dont have a job and have no way of supporting myself outside him and the £18 a week i get from child benefit.

i truly dont know what to do....
(i dont have any local friends and my family are very far away)

OP posts:

hoolagirl · 16/07/2007 16:40

Can you get back into the refuge or would he leave?
Otherwise you could look for a private let or go and see the council?
You would get your rent paid when you left him but don't know if this would be the full amount for a private let.

Original poster

needsadvice · 16/07/2007 17:01

i dont have grounds to go back to the refuge this time around.... its not that bad.... i have no way to pay for a private let... the council has told me that they can put me in a B&B and i can wait for a olace (which is a 6-18month wait supposedly)

OP posts:

suezee · 16/07/2007 17:08

you can actually get help off your local council.....they will pay for the bond on a private rented house and they will backdate the rent from the day you move into that house

suezee · 16/07/2007 17:11

im surprised that the cab hasnt told u this info while on the phone to them,if ur ringing round for a private tenancy just ask them if they take the bond voucher the council provides for u, some say no but the majority say yes.if ur going down this road then i would go to ur local income supprt centre and start applying for it.....it takes weeks to backdate anyway

Original poster

needsadvice · 17/07/2007 09:26

they didnt mention it... i dont have the means to pay to get into private housing at the moment. i wont get any kind of income support while i'm living with my husband (even if we separate) - i was offered to go into a b&b and wait on the housing list .. i want to avoid that route if possible for the sake of our son.

i should have pointed out in my first post that there isnt any abuse now, we just dont get along. we tried and it hasnt worked out.

although i will ask the CAB about the bond voucher and see what they can tell me... thanks for mentioning it to me..

OP posts:

Onedaysoon · 17/07/2007 10:07

You need to check your entitilement. I am in a similar situation, and am divorcing H whilst we are still living in the same house as he refuses to move. I get child tax credits as a single parent, and would have got income support except that the maintenance I receive for my 2 oldest children puts me above the threshold. I am also claiming (waiting to hear) housing benefit and council tax benefit for my half of the rent and council tax as he refuses to pay more than 50%. All this is above board, they have all been told that we are livign under the same roof but separated. As long as you are living completely independantly of each other you should be entitiled. We sleep separately, eat separately, cook, shop, wash, iron separately. Check it out, as you CAN claim under these circumstances.

Original poster

needsadvice · 17/07/2007 15:31

thank you, oneday.
at least knowing i can apply for it under these circumstances helps.
i am working on trying to feel more positive about everything (when it comes to he and i separating)

OP posts:

Onedaysoon · 18/07/2007 06:06

No problem. I know, believe me, how you feel. I have been trying to find the courage to end this marriage for a long time now, and it was always practical issues which kept me here really. But once you start the ball rolling there is an awful lot of help out there. All it took was one call to the tax credits people and they took the application over the phone (instead of having to trawl through shed loads of forms), and also booked an income support person to call me and take the application for that and HB and council tax benefit. Tell them right at the start that you are still under the same roof but he isn't supporting you financially as you have separated (only if it's true obviously!!!) and the tax credits come more or less straight away. You'll have to endure an income support interview but again they were really nice. It's all necessary but once you get it over and done with you'll feel better. You will also feel a lot stronger for having done something pro active.
If you prefer to have the forms sent to you instead of making the application by phone they will send them to a 'proxy' address, maybe a friend? They are well used to this situation.
Your situation sounds uncannily like mine. We married in 2003, have a 3 year old DD (I also have 2 children from a previous marriage) and in january of this year me and the children fled to a refuge, also due to emotional not physical abuse. We also attempted a reconciliation but he's not put the effort in and I found out he was using internet chatrooms to find other women, and spent his time texting them instead of talking to me! A lot of the abuse stopped, although it has started again towards my DS, who is 10, so I am now getting out. I have to do all this whilst he is still living here which is a massive massive strain, but the joy of being free when it's all over keeps me going.

Original poster

needsadvice · 18/07/2007 09:34

there are a lot of similarities in our stories, onedaysoon. its good to know that the benefits people may try to help.
you're able to claim though under the same roof, but he isn't supporting you? we live in a rented place and the housing benefit people told me that i won't qualify for HB. ??
i dont have a friend nearby i could use for a proxy address.

its a shame we aren't nearer to each other! (persuming we arent?) our situations are so much alike.. (my dh hasnt been trying to meet anyone else, at least not that i know of...)

you're right, its the thought of being free again.....

OP posts:

suezee · 18/07/2007 09:53

these ppl are so thick.......if ur moving into another house without dp then of course ur going to qualify for housing benefit........before me and my dp moved in together he used to live with his freind.....his freind was unemployed so he got his half of the rent paid my housing benefit and my dp paid his half,if income support are going to let u claim as a person seperated from dp then of course they will let u claim housing benefit..........the best thing to do is get onto the income support site and get ur local centres number and give them a ring x

Onedaysoon · 18/07/2007 18:34

Hi needsadvice - I live in east Anglia, where are you? Yes, we still live under the same roof but he won't pay more than 50% of anything and YET...he still seems to expect me to cook him MY food which I have had to find the money to buy myself, as he gives me no money for food shopping. He uses my toilet rolls, my soap, shower gel etc...but refuses to pay more than half the electricity, phone bill, rent, council tax etc. If the same applies to you I really think you should go to the housing benefits people again and tell them that you have no income, your H is refusing to pay the whole rent etc and that you need benefits.
Incidentally, I don't cook for him but he still comes in the kitchen, and when he sees that I haven't laid him a place he sulks and goes to McD's or KFC.

purplepoppet · 18/07/2007 18:45

You will get help from the council to go into a private let...all you have to do is find somewhere with a landlord who is willing to taking someone on housing benefit. The council with provide you with a 'bond' which acts as deposit.

Onedaysoon · 19/07/2007 20:09

Needsadvice...just to let you know that the council have agreed to pay my half of the rent and council tax despite him still living here, as we are living independently. Thought it might put your mind at rest.

Original poster

needsadvice · 20/07/2007 14:48

onedaysoon> in kent. did you or do you have to prove he isnt supporting you? i was warned by the CAB this morning that i may run into problems with the whole 'he isn't going to pay my half' bit. and we may need a 'separation agreement' done by a solicitor to prove this! (which could run £150-£200!) the CAB also suggested mediation, which costs around £300! (money we dont have to spend!) :I

re: to purplepoppet: the CAB mentioned this, but i have to apply and may not get the bond. (i have to be able to show real need to get this bond.) my concern is, how will i pay my rent once i'm moved in, where will i get the things i need to live (like beds, etc etc etc..)

todays been a productive day, but scary, too.

thanks onedaysoon... i hate feeling like i'm bugging you about this.... sigh..thanks again..

OP posts:

Onedaysoon · 20/07/2007 15:02

Needsadvice...you're not bugging me at all. I'm pleased to help as I know how hard it is to get the info you need. I haven't had to prove we are living independently; I had to put it in writing to the benefits people at the council though. I have already filed for divorce (although again I haven't had to show any proof of this) which kind of says it all really! I don't doubt they will check up on the circumstances at some point but that doesn't bother me as we really are living separately in the same house.

Original poster

needsadvice · 20/07/2007 16:06

thank you

i've heard (the guy at the CAB told me) that if you live together under the same roof, but separately, if can make filing for divorce tricky...sigh....

i'm just trying to gather information as best i can. i am very dreadful of making the wrong decision (to stay in the house while separated.) but i dont have the means to do anything else right now....

OP posts:

Onedaysoon · 20/07/2007 16:41

Hi needsadvice; I filed for divorce and then he made the decision not to move out so there's nothing else I can do. It's bloody difficult but I have no choice. I'm not sure what the CAB bloke meant about it being difficult to divorce if you are living together but separated...once either party decides a marriage is over it can rarely be refused. I'd check again.

Onedaysoon · 20/07/2007 16:42

Also, have you seen a solicitor for advice? most give a free half hour session and they are the best ones to advise.

Meeely2 · 20/07/2007 16:47

if it's not working out i assume he agrees it's not working out? Could he not move then you could apply for support in your current accomodation?

If you are both in agreement that it isn't working, could you not sit down and work out a way for things to come cleanly to an end without either of you being too badly off?

Original poster

needsadvice · 24/07/2007 09:10

hi onedaysoon, sorry its been a few days since i've posted, been very busy here :I

(and started potty training ds, so even less time online when he's not at nursery!)

i think the CAB guy meant in reference to the divorce that if i stay in the house it may be harder to claim 'unreasonable behaviour' for cause of wanting a divorce. (i remember a solicitor telling me this last year before i left him.) i plan to double check this with a solicitor though. (i haven't seen a solicitor recently, no.)

meeely2> well, we've not 'officially' discussed the breakdown of the marriage. but he's a clever guy and knows its falling apart. he would not move out. he sees this as 'his house' (even though its rented!)

well, given mine and his history of sitting and talking even somewhat rationally, i dont know how well this talk is going to go when it happens.

right now i am just learning my options.

and to make matters worse, tomorrow is my birthday and he's arranged childcare for ds all day and a sitter for at night i told him i didnt want to do anything for my birthday. :I

OP posts:

zookeeper · 24/07/2007 09:14

Gforget the CAB and Go and see a family solicitor

zookeeper · 24/07/2007 09:17

don't mean to sound unsympathetic - have two children running around me but the CAB are not the best people to go for for advice of this nature. You need to go to a fmily solicitor who does nothing but this type of work

suezee · 24/07/2007 09:24

well once u start claiming ur benefits u will be able to put in for a budgeting loan....you can ask for up to £1500 which will help u buy things for the house...private rented houses are usually decorated and part furnished so u probably wont have to buy a cooker and all the carpets.once u start claiming u should recieve about £110 a week income support(if thats what u want to claim) then ur child benefit on top of that......if ur contacting the csa then u will recieve payments off then as well.

Original poster

needsadvice · 24/07/2007 09:24

zookeeper> i went to see the CAB mostly for advice on what my housing options were/are. not for legal advice. seeing a solicitor for advice is going to be my next course of action.

OP posts:

suezee · 24/07/2007 09:25

u might not have to pay yur half of the solicitor fees if ur claimg benefits.....i would ask tho because im not 100% on that one

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