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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

40 replies

SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 00:42

Been seeing a man for a few months. Kind, respectful, all the good stuff.

I'm not very good at recognising red flags so need to know if this is anything to worry about. Heart says yes; head says no so no further forward really.

He has been divorced for 4 years. They have 50/50 care of two teenagers.

He describes them as friends but, from what I've seen, I think he sees them as friends whereas I get the impression she is happy to maintain a facade of 'friendship' for the sake of effective co-parenting. I have an 'amicable' relationship with my ex/father of my children and completely get that this is a desireable situation. Have no issues with that per se.

But they are still friends on facebook and still like/comment on each other's posts. As such, I haven't commented/tagged him on anything because it feels weird his exwife knowing what he and I are doing.

Would this bother you? Is it a red flag?

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dragonflyflew · 27/04/2019 01:44

It would bother me because I’m a jealous person with huge issues around jealousy and I know it’s my problem and I’m trying to change it.
My ex h friend requested me on fb, I sometimes feel weird about him seeing my life but it’s ok, we’ve moved on enough to ‘like’ each other’s stuff and occasionally tag each other, mainly in pics of the kids.
The guy I’m seeing now is friends with all his exes and I’ve had little chats with his ex, the mother of his kids and I quite like her. Let it go unless there’s something else going on.

Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 01:51

I don't know if I'm jealous. I don't feel jealous. I don't think he wants to be wtih her. But I am quite insecure at times.

I just find that I can't always tell if something is a red flag or not. I feel I'd rather just 'unfriend' him than see her like and comment on his posts and feel like I can't do the same!

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Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 01:51

I know fb isn't real life, nor the be all and end all of social interaction! But it does feel like a bit of a barometer for how things are.

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Jogrunwalksleep · 27/04/2019 01:53

It’s not a red flag but it’s something you have to be ok with if you’re going to move forward

Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 01:56

Thanks.

I'm not sure that I am. But I'm equally not sure that I'm not.

I'm not sure if I'm just looking for reasons to end it because I'm scared that this could potentially go somewhere.

I certainly wouldn't ask him to change it.

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scratchyfluffface · 27/04/2019 01:56

Similar situation over here but it doesn't bother me in the slightest, so what if his ex comments on Facebook - do you know the relationship he has with everyone who may comment or like his posts?? I could understand if he isn't over his ex, but if it's just 'someone I used to know' then I can't see an issue with it

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2019 01:57

From what you've said, I don't see this as a red flag. I see this as two people who have gone their separate ways but are mature enough to do their best to remain friendly and supportive. Talk to him about it if you have questions or concerns.

Booksareforkids19 · 27/04/2019 02:06

I have been dating a divorced man for over 3 yrs. He’s much older. He has a friendly relationship with the ex and let’s her sleep over/him sleepover during family get-togethers.
I trust him completely because he’s a wonderful guy.
If something feels off for you, then maybe you have a reason to feel that way.
If not, if he’s been totally trustworthy, then it may be your insecurities.

Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 02:07

I know exactly what he would say if I spoke to him about it - he has no interest in her; he's just being friendly/nice and I've got nothing to worry about. Or words to that effect.

I wouldn't want to mention it in case he unfriended her on the back of it Confused I don't want to be that girlfriend because I'm not.

I want to not care. I suppose I already feel like I'm living in her shadow as it is though. I just wasn't sure whether it's something that people do or not. He's not someone who has lots of people on fb and he doesn't use it a huge amount.

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Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 02:08

He's been totally open and trustworthy - as far as you can know anyway. I don't have any reason to doubt him.

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Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 08:38

do you know the relationship he has with everyone who may comment or like his posts?

Well no, but I do know that he wasn't married to all of them for 20 years and I know that he wasn't devastated when they cheated on him because he thought he had the perfect marriage with them and that they would all be the one person he grew old with...

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Philosykoss · 27/04/2019 08:47

Well, if he wanted to be with her he would. And he is with you, so I'm sure it is just a good parental relationship he should have with his children's mother.

If you did want him to unfriend her, then that could be a red flag for him. Just a thought

Redcherries · 27/04/2019 08:52

If they wanted to be together they've had 4 years to sort that out. I think I would actually see this as a positive. I think it shows maturity and an excellent example for their children. I think I would see outright hatred and only being able to contact via solicitors as a red flag.

ChangingStates · 27/04/2019 08:54

I have been separated from my ex for 2 years, 50:50 childcare, and are still Facebook friends, we do some days together too, with the kids, and even have spent a rare night in the house together for specific reason- separate rooms. Trust me our relationship is completely over. I am seeing someone now, about 7 months in, he's divorced 5 years and 50:50. Him & his ex are Facebook friends and do a lot together still, with kids but also evening events without kids, as they still have many friends in common, also really only friends. So for me this is totally not a red flag.

frenchonion · 27/04/2019 08:58

I wouldn't worry about it. I understand it probably feels a bit odd and stirs up some feelings but it's not a red flag. It's good they coparent amicably, and if he hasn't given you other reasons to worry about their relationship I'd look past it. Don't tag him if it makes you feel weird that she can witness your relationship, it's not compulsory. acknowledge the uncomfortable feeling to yourself and let it go.

NameChangeNugget · 27/04/2019 09:10

I’d see this as quite the opposite. A father who has his kids at the heart of what he does & who has a positive relationship with his ex.

For me, a man who doesn’t see his children because of the “psycho ex” would be the red flag

joystir59 · 27/04/2019 09:21

i'm friends with my exh- we have an adult son with problems which is part of why, but the other part of why is that we were married for 18 years and he is part of my history, and I am happy he is part of my ongoing life, and part of my current relationship- I regard him as family. I am also friends still with his large extended family. My wife, to whom I have been married 7 years, is also friends with her ex- we are both friends with her and her current partner, and seek out opportunities to spend time with them. We are all comfortable about all of this and its really quite wonderful not to have to lose parts of your past because a relationship ends.

Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 09:22

Thanks. You're all saying what I was initially thinking.

Of course I wouldn't ask him to unfriend her, it just feels weird and, like I said, I'm not good at spotting the red flags so I just needed to be sure.

But no, I'm not comfortable with her seeing me or knowing anything about me at this stage so I'll just not comment etc.

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Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 09:39

joystir that sounds really positive! I think it seems strange to me because my exh has actively excluded me from any part of his life. We are amicable for the children but that is all and he has gone to great lengths to avoid me meeting his partner. Although, as she was the OW, I suspect this might be because he has said some things about me that she would realise weren't entirely true if she did know me!

I suppose I would feel more comfortable with it all if he and his ex wife had drifted apart but he was very much in love with her and devastated when it ended through her affair.

I have witnessed some of the dynamic of their ongoing 'friendship' and it looks to me as though the friendship is more genuine from his side - he doesn't want to lose her from his life for the reasons you say - she is part of his history and he has known her for a very long time. Whereas I get the impression that, for her, it is more about maintaining a facade of friendship (whilst being genuinely amicable) for the sake of the children etc. He is certainly more supportive of her than she is of him and they don't socialise together.

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Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 09:39

She has a new partner too but he will offer to help her out if she needs something and her partner is happy to let that happen. That seems a bit odd to me!

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MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 27/04/2019 10:11

It does seem to me that your DP, his ex and her new DP are all being very grown up about things, and on the face of it you are being pretty childish. People with children have a tie forever.

Any relationship means widening your circle, and that just gets wider and bigger when you have children, ex's and new partners to take into account

I think this is a problem of your own making and it's not casting you in a good light at all, and NO, I am not suggesting you be all "cool wife" about his relationship with his ex, but it's going to drive you crazy if you are feeling second best, and trying to live up to some unattainable ideal of being his one true love when he's already been out there. Comparison is the thief of joy!

onlythelonely1975 · 27/04/2019 10:31

I think you're overthinking it, but I understand why you are. I'm terrible at seeing red flags or seeing whatever the opposite of red flags are!

It's definitely a good thing that they have an amicable, friendly relationship that extends to visible stuff on the internet. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months and his ex posts on his things on Facebook (don't know if vice versa as I'm not friends with her!). I take it as a good sign. If he was a horrible person (and lets face it, she'd know better than me) she wouldn't bother.

Qweenbee · 27/04/2019 10:37

I think he's managed that elusive perfect splitting up. Surly that's a positive rather than a red flag?

pinkyredrose · 27/04/2019 10:53

The phrase 'red flag' is usually used for spotting behaviours which may indicate future abuse so your use of the phrase is pretty innapropriate.

The only problem here is your insecurity.

Original poster
SquareRootOfNine · 27/04/2019 11:15

if you are feeling second best, and trying to live up to some unattainable ideal of being his one true love when he's already been out there

I'm not trying to be his 'one true love'. But I do feel second best. Because I am.

I actually like the fact that they are amicable and get on for the sake of the children. I just wasn't sure whether the fact they still know what is going on in each other's lives was a red flag.

Not for abuse obviously Hmm but a warning sign that maybe he hadn't moved on. I'm not really interested in being someone's consoltation prize.

If he was a horrible person (and lets face it, she'd know better than me) she wouldn't bother.

That's probably a better way of looking at it. I was thinking about it more in terms of him not having moved on. Of course they're going to be connected forever due to the children and positive relationships are always going to be preferable to hostility. I suppose I just don't really feel comfortable with the idea of her knowing anything about me when we've never met.

My exh and I are outwardly supportive of each other; are flexible with contact and accompany each other to things like parents evening but this is a level of involvement I've not come across before. I don't know anyone who is friends with their ex husband/wife on social media, for example. And I don't want my exh knowing the ins and outs of my daily life any more than he wants me knowing about his!

I don't know, I guess it's just that when my dad remarried, he undoubtedly loved his second wife more than his first. My exh undoubtedly loves his partner now more than he loved me. My friend undoubtedly loves her partner more than her ex husband... they are all better suited and better matched and happier with their new partners. Obviously, I don't expect that but I'm just quite conscious of it too.

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