Is this a red flag?

[SquareRootOfNine]

Been seeing a man for a few months. Kind, respectful, all the good stuff.

I'm not very good at recognising red flags so need to know if this is anything to worry about. Heart says yes; head says no so no further forward really.

He has been divorced for 4 years. They have 50/50 care of two teenagers.

He describes them as friends but, from what I've seen, I think he sees them as friends whereas I get the impression she is happy to maintain a facade of 'friendship' for the sake of effective co-parenting. I have an 'amicable' relationship with my ex/father of my children and completely get that this is a desireable situation. Have no issues with that per se.

But they are still friends on facebook and still like/comment on each other's posts. As such, I haven't commented/tagged him on anything because it feels weird his exwife knowing what he and I are doing.

Would this bother you? Is it a red flag?

My DH is still very good friends with his ex wife. We are both friends with her on FB and we occasionally socialise together. It all depends on the situation, the people involved and how you feel about it. No one thing is right or wrong.

Any relationship means widening your circle, and that just gets wider and bigger when you have children, ex's and new partners to take into account

Hmm. See that's not been my experience. My exh's family cut me off after we separated. My circle became completely split up and separate. There's only me and my children in my circle now!

Initially, we spent some time at Christmas and birthdays together but, once he'd moved in with his new partner, that all stopped.

My mum wouldn't even allow my dad to park outside the house after they separated and she wouldn't let us tell him anything about her life - she said he had no right to know - and so this is just completely outside of anything I've ever seen.

It's good to see other people's perspectives on it.

I just wasn't sure if it meant he wasn't quite ready to move on.

I think maybe you're putting too much weight on the importance of Facebook? I'm 'friends' with all my exes on Facebook as it's nice to keep in touch. But I don't put anything particularly personal on there and any conversation had is always light or about nonsense.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mother is still very bitter about it.... Your mum sounds like she had a hard time with her separation too (understandable, they're awful) but consider there are lots of ways to deal with things. We all go through the bad stuff but it's healthy to eventually resolve it and move on. That's what your partner and his ex has done. My mother never has.

You're not second best. He's not with her any more, he's moved on.

I've stayed friends with ex-boyfriends in the past, so I don't see this as a problem in itself.

However, it may be true that he isn't quite over her yet. What I'm trying to say is that the FB thing does not mean he has not moved on, but at the same time it could still be true that he hasn't moved on IYSWIM. Four years is a long time but may not be long enough for everyone.

Or it could be that he's completely over her, is very keen on you and it's just your own insecurity that is making you feel second best. We can't be sure from reading this.

Give it a few more months OP. Hopefully you'll become more secure in this relationship and it will all work out well. Bu you don't want to carry on feeling like a consolation prize.

I think maybe you're putting too much weight on the importance of Facebook? I'm 'friends' with all my exes on Facebook as it's nice to keep in touch

I think it's more that their FB involvement is more a public presentation of their private relationship maybe..? I'm not friends with any of my exes. I've never seen the point tbh. I tried it once and it became untenable. It was clear that the only reason either of us were still friends with the other was because neither of us was quite ready to let the other go, although we couldn't be together, and the whole thing became quite toxic and we have nothing to do with each other anymore. Which I still find hard at times.

Or it could be that he's completely over her, is very keen on you and it's just your own insecurity that is making you feel second best.

He would still have been with her if she hadn't had an affair even though, from things he has said, it wasn't a 'good' relationship by the end. He said he can see things now that he couldn't see then so he knows it wasn't great but, although he ended it, it's not a choice he wanted to make.

He's had another relationship in the interim.

I think I'm going to just try seeing it differently. Thanks

Listen to your misgivings OP, they're are never wrong ime.

Take things very slowly and it will probably become clear what the issue is. They'll be something underlying your Spidey senses being triggered.

There will, madroid but it might just be me.

I will be vigilant though. Thanks

I don't think fb is the problem, its just what you're noticing because it's there for all to see.

His remarks about the marriage being perfect in his eyes, his assertion they would be together if she hadn't strayed and description of being devastated... I am not surprised you feel insecure.

I would wonder why he wasn't more insightful, surely he can see the marriage wasn't perfect. Why is he seeing it through rosetinted glasses.

Also, why shouldn't you expect to be loved more than his ex? What's important to remember though is that it isn't reasonable to expect it yet, you are still making your memories together.

You should talk to him, tell him honestly how you feel. You are entitled to feel his first choice, ask if he had the choice to go back with her without the affair or be with you which would he choose? Don't play second fiddle.

I don't know, Doesit

I don't think it would be fair to ask him that, although I'd obviously love to know!

They were childhood sweethearts, they had children and planned a life together. Of course he'd rather it have worked out with her than find himself single at 50 because his wife had an affair and feel he had to start all over again, trying to find a loving relationship with someone else with all his baggage and all of theirs...

Devastated was how he felt at the time, not how he feels now. He had counselling to get over it etc. I suppose I just don't see why you'd want to maintain any contact beyond what was necessary with someone who'd 'broken' you like that.

Just tag him in something and see if there is any reaction from the ex. If she likes it, then all is good. If there are issues from him or her then you know.

Nope I wouldn't say so. Me and my exH still comment/ like etc on social media from time to time.
His fiancé is fine with it (she'll often like stuff I put on too and vice versa) and while my new partner isn't really much of a facebooker he's also fine with it all. It's only social media, it doesn't mean anything.

It's not really her I'm worried about, fresh. She had an affair, she now has a new parther - she has clearly moved on and, from things he has said, had probably moved on emotionally a while before they split up.

I'm not sure how he'd feel about it though.

Thanks, wishywashy. It really does help to see that it's actually quite 'normal'.

I really don't see this as a red flag. I have a pretty poor relationship with my STBEXH, if I never had to see him again I would be delighted, however we have DC who he maintains contact with, and we keep things civil. We are still "friends" on FB, and I will like/comment on things he has posted relating to the DC, as will he. I'm not in a relationship, he has been in a couple, but nothing long-term, so I don't know how future partners may feel about it.