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Original poster

Could you forgive?

29 replies

O13s7 · 26/04/2019 21:45

I can’t work out of in being totally unreasonable or not...
We have been married for 16yrs, 3 kids 12,8,2.
I Work full time in a very successful career and though husband was the same. He has worked from home for years and has properties that are rented out. About 5yrs ago he borrowed money from my dad and couldn’t pay it all back so I covered the debt to save face (15k), it was described as a cash flow issue and it was never mentioned again, with no offer of having the money returned.
6 months ago I realised something was wrong, asked hubby but he denied everything. Finally blew up at him and he told me the job had finished a while ( no details) ago and he didn’t want to tell me cause my dad dies (sept 16) and I was under pressure at work.
Turns out he was spending more than he was earning.
He pays mortgage & utilities, I pay the rest inc all children costs and have always had totally separate money. Discovered I pay 3 times what he does and he moved our mortgage to interest only.

I had to drag this information out of him and I feel totally betrayed. I pay £1200 a month for nursery, pay a cleaner and do all the shopping and cooking but it turns out he has been at home doing nothing.

For the last 6yrs I have bought my own bday and Xmas presents and given them to him to wrap and return to me, again to save face.

I feel hurt, betrayed, like I can never trust him, I’m not in love with him, I resent him and I’m annoyed.

I think I want to split up, Thoughts?

OP posts:
Hanab · 26/04/2019 21:49

Wow! Is there even a need to think about?

That is my only thought .. I am sure others on here will advise better 🌷

QueenBeex · 26/04/2019 21:52

Could I personally forgive? NOPE

Singlenotsingle · 26/04/2019 21:53

He's a millstone you could do without. Let him start to support himself.

Original poster
O13s7 · 26/04/2019 21:54

I can’t get past it, I hate that he allowed me to indulge the kids in skiing trips etc but didn’t have a job. He has left us financially vulnerable and I hate him for it .
I don’t care about money, I care that I can’t trust him

OP posts:
MissGruffalo · 26/04/2019 21:55

Hell no.

Moving the mortgage to interest only without discussion would be enough for me tbh.
Can he even do that without your permission? Are you both on the mortgage?

Loopytiles · 26/04/2019 21:56

No, couldn’t forgive that.

Peachesandcream14 · 26/04/2019 21:56

I couldn't forgive, and wouldn't expect anyone else to, that is years and years of serious lying to your face every single day.

Branleuse · 26/04/2019 22:02

once the trust has gone, theres no going back imo

ThreeFish · 26/04/2019 22:04

Although a marriage of 16 years is not to be thrown away lightly, for 6 of those years he has been lying to you and fleecing you of money. I’m afraid I couldn’t see a way past this. It’s not a mistake changing the mortgage to interest only with no discussion yet enjoying his ski holidays.

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 22:06

Your dad died almost 3 years ago and that's his excuse for not telling you he's lost his job?

What about the income from his properties?

Who were you saving face from buying gifts for yourself from him? The children?

I couldn't trust him again.

NaBiAgOl · 26/04/2019 22:08

Wow, how can you respect somebody who just hides from the problem. It's not a mature or a courageous strategy to just stick your head in the sand. You've been ''saving his face'' for years now. I would split up.

A bad marriage is not some great institution to be revered and clung on to! People in marriages view it like that but once you're out the other side you realise that nothing bad is worth working hard to save. Confused but people do that out of fear.

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/04/2019 22:09

No.

Circlegame · 26/04/2019 22:11

Does he still have the rental properties?

IrisAtwood · 26/04/2019 22:11

He has been a bare faced liar for 6 years and let you do all of that work and spend money that you didn’t need to?

I would find it very hard to continue the relationship.

I say this as a woman who forgave and forgave and was then defrauded by my ex partner. I lost my home and my job because of him and he nearly drove me out of my mind too.

madcatladyforever · 26/04/2019 22:14

No, my ex husband did much the same and now I have to sell my house and move somewhere cheaper. I had to go NC because the bitter hatred and rage I feel towards him was eating me away.

Original poster
O13s7 · 26/04/2019 22:14

I didn’t want anyone to know he didn’t think of me as important enough to get an Xmas gift.. I was protecting myself from questions from others. Actually makes me really sad

OP posts:
ConfCall · 26/04/2019 22:14

No. I couldn’t love a man like this. Sex would repulse me. I’d be permanently resentful.

See a solicitor OP.

I wonder if he forged your signature on the mortgage paperwork?

devasted · 26/04/2019 22:16

No I couldn't forgive nor forget. He has let you carry the financial responsibility for far too long. He could have said something not got yourselves further and further into debt. How come he hasn't managed to find a job in all this time? Was he even looking.

I think this is a deal breaker for most people once the trust has gone, that's it.

Echobelly · 26/04/2019 22:16

I think I might actually find that harder to forgive than infidelity as it exposes your family to so much risk.

Graphista · 26/04/2019 22:17

I think you need to seriously consider if he's possibly a gambling addict and do a thorough credit check on BOTH your details.,

I think you need to be prepared to discover more debt, fraud etc

Do you have any joint finances apart from the house?

EKGEMS · 26/04/2019 22:18

I'd throw him out tonight and change the locks ASAP!

Circlegame · 26/04/2019 22:18

I wondered that about the mortgage. Are you actually on the mortgage? Wouldnt they need both your signatures to change it to interest only?

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 22:30

As little as the present thing may seem, it would really get to me. A man who shamelessly pretends he bought me my own gifts is not man I could respect or be attracted to.

I know someone who did this ( gave him money to buy rounds of drinks and contribute towards meals) and she only told us when they split up.

She was saving face.

What value does he add to your life.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 22:39

I wouldn't be able to forgive him. No. He's been systematically cheating you for six whole years.

It's like he's been having an affair with himself.

The stuff about the mortgage would scare me. I agree with PP that you need to do a credit check on both of you. You need to know the exact scale of his bad faith.

AdaColeman · 26/04/2019 22:41

Before I did anything else, I would dig deeply into the family's financial situation, to find out exactly what debts and what assets were held.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's hidden a lot more of the true situation from you. What's happened to his properties for instance?

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