Masturbation

[mamato3lads]

Hi everyone
Just need some perspective here please. I recently discovered through DH Internet history that he wanks A LOT....even at weekends when i am obviously RIGHT THERE and never say no. Been together 18 years 3 kids and generally happy. He is affectionate and sex is at least a couple times a week. He said that was enough! That our sex life was great! Then why the need to look up porn or celebrity women he fancies so much
I feel devastated. He is understanding of my upset but can't see why im so hurt. I suffer from anxiety and this has triggered a massive relapse and im crippled at the moment. I feel rejected. Lied to. Its so sneaky makes me wonder what else he's up to that i was oblivious of. I dont look up men... Why the need? He also searched for an image of a particular girl he'd obviously seen while out shopping. He typed in the girls name then the name of the shop and our local area. Was only one search. An image search. I asked him, he pretended to be baffled but it was only a year ago. He obviously remembers. He spotted her when out, and decided to try and find a picture of her for his morning wank. I know this. I said it to him, he claims not to have a clue. So more lies.

Im devastated and cant see a way forward. For perspective he is a good man in all other ways, works very hard, is loving, complimentary and affectionate
He never goes out. Hates me going out. Always wants to be together. Is very soppy really and tells me every single day how much he loves me. Always been like that. Maybe that's why i didn't see this coming and its knocked me for six.

Am I being ridiculous? I just dont know
Please help

OP, whatever he's doing, he's entitled to privacy. You shouldn't have any idea what he's been googling in the first place. I'm sorry you've found something that's upset you, but it was your choice to look for it.

Nope. Marriage doesn't work like that. Honestly and openness are crucial to every relationship, it's the foundation of trust. OP's dh has hidden a side of himself that she is entitled to know about, essentially lying by omission. If he wasn't ashamed and embarrassed by what he's doing she'd know all about it. He knows it's wrong, hence the secrecy as all men that act like this do. If is was so normal and natural he would have no problems telling op what he gets up to every morning.

Again wanking is fine, excessive porn use and creeping on ransom girls images is not.

OP, whatever he's doing, he's entitled to privacy. You shouldn't have any idea what he's been googling in the first place.

Oh Dear, what a croc of shit. You have no idea why the OP decided to look at what he has been googling. She lives with this person and shares her life with him, she has every right to know he's engaged in dodgy behaviour, whilst she and their children are in the house.

No, no one has the right to look at someone else's browsing data. If a man said about his wife that he thought he was entitled to see everything she'd been searching for, you would soon take him to task. This is no different.

Again nope. If I was doing something wrong, online or otherwise and my dh found out by snooping, I wouldn't blame him for that as defence. I'd be the one violating our marriage and I'd have to deal with what I'd done, not turn into a 14 year old and blame him for snooping in the first place.

@VeronicaDinner so if he was having an affair is he entitled to privacy then too? His choice to go outside of his marriage to satisfy his own needs with no regard for his partners feelings on it. She obviously felt in her gut that something wasn't right and made it her business to find out! If what he was doing is so normal and acceptable why is he hiding it? He's a creep

There is many a woman on here and some men too who probably wished they had actually snooped. Marriage involves linked financials and life sharing and too many people find out they are tied in with someone who isn’t what they thought be it gambling, booze, porn, debt, hookers- whatever. If my H wanted to check my phone he would find plenty of mumsnet, Amazon shopping, WhatsApp’s to my friends etc, nothing that would bother me.

Well, it seems to me that there is a lot of confusion going on in your post OP which is entriely understandable given the circumstances.

There are, however, massive reg flags flying. These are the ones for me. In order.

1- He also searched for an image of a particular girl he'd obviously seen while out shopping.

Big red flag. OP, you assume that he did it to wank over her. I'm really not sure on that.

2 - He never goes out. Hates me going out.

HUGE black flag. Controlling behaviour and very unhealthy.

3 - Goes for a morning walk

Amber flag. May be nothing but on the back of what you are saying it could be significant.

Finally

4 - WTTE - I have a mixed anxiety/depressive disorder

This is a flag for me as the question needs to be posed; how did you acquire it? Children are not born nervous and afraid, it's done to them. Usually parents then intimate partners pick it up and exploit is.

There is another point to but the OP doesn't make it clear..

5 - Have you directly confronted your DH and told him the effect it's having on you?

If you have and he carries on then this shows a lack of empathy.

I hope this helps.

I'm just trying to get this bit clear. He's served by a woman at the checkout in Tesco and then googles her on the store website using her name badge? He then wanks over that picture? Are checkout assistants actually on websites? If so, that's absolutely horrible and unsavoury.

Wanking -normal
Porn - normal

Looking up shop worker - hurtful

Don’t confuse the issue by lumping all these things together.

Wanking and porn don’t reflect on you...it’s low effort unlike sex and quick and easy. Think a microwave meal over a home cooked three course. The home cooked meal is better, but the microwave meal is at times far more convenient.

As for his googling of local women, this is where I’d be directing my questions.

@ourkidmolly she means he looked her up on Facebook or something.

Oh. Duh. I'm obviously a bit naive in this area! I would not like that behaviour though. At all.

@DBML. I am 100% with you all the way. Masturbation is not the issue here. As a woman in my 40s, regardless of having sex with other people, l usually masturbate once or twice a day. It’s healthy, it’s normal. The needs are totally different to having 1:1 sex with someone.

But the other business is oh so wrong!

@Sadiesnakes and @Sophia0901 neither of you should be snooping through your partner's shit. It's pretty sad for you that you feel such a lack of trust in your relationships that you think that sort of behaviour is justified.

It’s pretty sad Veronica that some people are up to such stuff on the sly that they know hurts their partners , that people feel they have to get to the bottom of things before they go nuts . I have a friend , late 50s who basically found out by seeing a text come through when her H went out without his phone in error, that he had been knocking a 30 something off for over a year , she found out at her daughters 21st do. She certainly wishes she had snooped before then , when she had some concerns and got her ducks in a row.

Yeah I agree with a few others and op it’s not right to nip off for a wank while your in the house and especially to a girl he’s seen while out. Honestly I would be very hurt too, I would even go as far as to say it would change my view of my oh. I also agree masturbating is normal, women do it too and it’s not any reflection on how attractive or not you find your partner or about wanting someone else at all. Porn is just a way of getting you off.
But... the looking up a photo of a person he has seen is a bit weird. I wouldn’t look up another man I have seen or someone I know and pleasure myself to their photo. Sorry you feel so down about it op, don’t let others think you are over reacting because of that, I think a big majority of women would be hurt by it. Speak to your oh if he is a good of a man as you say, he will openly talk about it with you and listen to you open up about your feelings about this.