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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Masturbation

65 replies

mamato3lads · 26/04/2019 20:18

Hi everyone
Just need some perspective here please. I recently discovered through DH Internet history that he wanks A LOT....even at weekends when i am obviously RIGHT THERE and never say no. Been together 18 years 3 kids and generally happy. He is affectionate and sex is at least a couple times a week. He said that was enough! That our sex life was great! Then why the need to look up porn or celebrity women he fancies so much Confused
I feel devastated. He is understanding of my upset but can't see why im so hurt. I suffer from anxiety and this has triggered a massive relapse and im crippled at the moment. I feel rejected. Lied to. Its so sneaky makes me wonder what else he's up to that i was oblivious of. I dont look up men... Why the need? He also searched for an image of a particular girl he'd obviously seen while out shopping. He typed in the girls name then the name of the shop and our local area. Was only one search. An image search. I asked him, he pretended to be baffled but it was only a year ago. He obviously remembers. He spotted her when out, and decided to try and find a picture of her for his morning wank. I know this. I said it to him, he claims not to have a clue. So more lies.

Im devastated and cant see a way forward. For perspective he is a good man in all other ways, works very hard, is loving, complimentary and affectionate
He never goes out. Hates me going out. Always wants to be together. Is very soppy really and tells me every single day how much he loves me. Always been like that. Maybe that's why i didn't see this coming and its knocked me for six.

Am I being ridiculous? I just dont know
Please help

OP posts:
RavenLG · 26/04/2019 21:29

As the other PPs have said sex and masturbation are 2 different things and you can’t conflate the two.

The women he googled, how do you know he wanked over her? I search people all the time doesn’t mean I’m shuffling the deck over them. And you went back on his search for a year and expect him to remember every search? Come in OP surely you can see that isn’t heathy. I’m
Glad you’re taking steps to get help as it’s sounds like an unhealthy hang up and could cause your relationship to break down

Branleuse · 26/04/2019 21:41

Surely most people wank?

Sounds like its nothing thats affecting your sex life or relationship, although i do think its a bit grim that he hates you going out. Do you have friends?

Dirtybadger · 26/04/2019 21:44

I want in the bathroom whilst DP is in bed all the time. Be a bit weird to do it next to him (asleep). Doesn't affect our sex life...different story if it did.

I would be miffed at him wanking over a neighbour or something but then again how would I ever know.

ASauvignonADay · 26/04/2019 21:47

How do you know he searched her up - do you use a shared tablet/laptop, or have you checked his phone?

MimiCa · 26/04/2019 22:01

All men wnk, and lots of women too. My partner does. I don't but then anti depressants put an end to any sexual feelings. What I would be concerned about is that your husband put a search in for a woman he saw in a supermarket. What did he expect to find by putting in a name and the Supermarket! I do think that men do some strange things when aroused or trying to get there. Your husband sounds in all other ways a good man. Give him some slack. He has not cheated on you. My partner has, and I would rather him wnk everytime, then cheating on me. The pain for me was horrific.

user12678356 · 26/04/2019 22:26

Op, how old are you?

Your oh is entitled to his privacy, and has the right to masturbate.
You seem bothered by the fact he does it in the bathroom - where else would you prefer, the kitchen?
The timing is probably to do with morning glory that needs sorting out.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 26/04/2019 22:41

No he obviously saw her working in this particular shop, checked her name badge then came home and searched her up the next morning Shock

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 26/04/2019 23:00

I think some of you are clearly confusing wanking and porn. I think it's constant use of porn that is pissing the OP off, not the fact he wanks. I presume men were wanking way before 4g existed, even if it was the odd mag, DVD, or heaven forbid 'imagination'. Personally I am utterly stuffed off with the idea we all have to accept our partners/husbands can access wall to wall porn whenever they feel like it and we just have to be cool about it and accept 'that's how men are'. I am not against 'occasional use , but that isn't what's happening here and with a lot of guys, it's become a habit like brushing their teeth . Fine if you are cool with that, but I suspect many of you younger women might not feel the same with 20 years on you.

Razzles · 26/04/2019 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 26/04/2019 23:14

It wouldn't bother me one iota if my husband was wanking every day with nary a care about me. I do, most days at least!

I agree with @user1479305498 - I would be very bothered about the porn. Not least because if you just peruse the first page of Porn Hub it's all gross anal forceful blowjobs and just generally really unpleasant stuff.

user1479305498 · 26/04/2019 23:23

That's the thing Diana, I seriously think plenty of women on here who don't partake themselves have visions of most porn being a bit of 'plumber gives his nice lady client a bit of a seeing too in a '70s 'confessions of' kind of way, it really, really isn't like that , unless you search for that kind of 'vintage speciality'. Most of the mainstream stuff is pretty gross and would really freak out a lot of women and make you feel like shit and if blokes are watching it 4 or 5 times a week it can often change their attitudes/behaviour too.

Dieu · 26/04/2019 23:38

I would hate this too. It's not just you.

Mum2boys1girl · 26/04/2019 23:47

Op I agree with you and as I see it with the porn thing it's a no go for me or my partner I find it quite disgusting and disrespectful we all have are opinions on porn some people are OK with it and others aren't and am not so it's not aloud in are house. OP if you think he watching to much porn let him know how you feel about it could say I would perfer you to watch it less ect

Feckers2018 · 26/04/2019 23:58

Well. This is how I found out my ex had an obsession with sex. Porn etc was the tip of an iceberg. Wanking as soon as I went out etc. Uncovered years of using sex workers by checking bank accounts etc. Its not always innocent. Looking up the girl is worrying.

Zerrin13 · 27/04/2019 00:56

I wonder if OP's husband would be really cool and unfazed if he found out she was searching for pictures of Derek who runs the local chip shop at the end of the road and masturbating whilst drooling over them?

WelcomeToShootingStars · 27/04/2019 06:46

Firstly he must be pretty discreet as you knew nothing about it until you searched his Internet history.

Secondly, you don't know why he searched the woman in the shop. You've made an assumption which may be right or may be wrong. But just using logic, it's unlikely that typing someone's name into Google with the name of the shop they work in will actually produce anything so I'd steer towards you being wrong.

And lastly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanking. You have a sex life you both enjoy, but that doesn't mean that every time one of you needs a release that you have to have sex.

Sophia0901 · 27/04/2019 06:59

I could have written this myself, except my husband used porn to replace our sex life! OP I totally understand the way you are feeling, it's devastating to discover.... I never would have thought in a million years that my dh was into porn or perving over endless pics of woman. If it's not wrong and totally normal for a man as many people are suggesting why is he hiding it? If it's not ok for you OP then tell him that everybody has their own boundaries and I am sick listening to he's a man it's normal Hmm feck that a marriage means to forsake all others and he chose to go outside the marriage on a very regular basis to satisfy his needs.

Ellabella989 · 27/04/2019 07:05

I couldn’t care less if my DP wanks regularly but I would feel a bit weird about him watching porn a lot (especially if I was in the house at the time). I also wouldn’t like knowing he was googling images of local women he found attractive. I would never know though as I would never look through his phone and he would never look through mine (unless I had an extremely good reason to believe that he was cheating on me).

mummabubs · 27/04/2019 07:29

For me the masturbation itself wouldn't bother me at all (like others I masturbate and it in no way reflects any lack of love between me and DH). However I wouldn't like that they've looked up someone in real life. That would feel tangibly different to me so I completely understand why that has upset you OP x

Sadiesnakes · 27/04/2019 07:55

I can never understand the people coming on here, deliberately misreading the op and ranting about how op is overreacting to her dh wanking, most natural thing in the world, etc, etc, and making her feel really bad for being upset.

For those who missed the point of OP's post, I shall spell it out.

1, yes masturbating is very natural and all men do it. Fine.

2, searching up random shop girls images for a wank when you're what? 35+ and married? Not fine, actually very sleazy and more akin to what a randy teenage boy would get up to.

3, Watching porn every morning at 6am, not fine. Indicative of a borderline porn addiction and a deal breaker for most happily married women, 35 plus.

Op, please ignore the people trying to make you feel bad and accept extremely bad behaviour from your dh. It's not normal to need porn every day, it's unhealthy and damaging to both you, self esteem issues, inadequacy, etc and him, unhealthy expectations, pied, etc.

The majority of porn is sick and unhealthy, watching women being raped, abused, coerced, etc is not normal and ok. It's actually disgusting and op has every right to feel disgusted at her dh for this.

childcarecostsconfusion · 27/04/2019 08:00

So is it when you're asleep? Sounds like it's part of his morning routine. If it's whilst you're awake I would feel quite hurt tbh and I know my friends would feel the same.

And personally I would find him searching that girl a step too far tbh.

LizzieSiddal · 27/04/2019 08:07

A married man, looking up a shop assistant’s name on the Internet, is fucking creepy.

LizzieSiddal · 27/04/2019 08:10

I agree 100% with Sadie’s post.

Ignore those who have ignored most of your worries OP. Your h’s behaviour is not acceptable, he needs to stop watching porn every day.

HappyMisfit · 27/04/2019 08:13

Agree with Sadie and Lizzie

The whole looking up the shop assistant is weird. It’s not like he admired her customer services techniques and wanted to know more, he used her image for wank material. It’s a bit... scummy

VeronicaDinner · 27/04/2019 08:19

You don't get to thirty five and suddenly change personality Hmm

OP, whatever he's doing, he's entitled to privacy. You shouldn't have any idea what he's been googling in the first place. I'm sorry you've found something that's upset you, but it was your choice to look for it.