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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Offered friend to stay at mine due to abusive husband - - finding it unexpectedly hard

40 replies

Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 18:47

There's a really lovely woman I know whose husband has decided to become a drunken abusive ass. She's from another country and no family here so obviously I offered her my spare room for a while.

I really like having guests and she's lovely but I am finding it unexpectedly hard. I'm actually shocked at myself.

Whenever we sit down to eat or have a cup of tea she wants to talk about the latest abusive text she's received and frankly I'm tired of it. Why does he keep drinking? Who cares?

I work at a law firm and got good advice for her from colleagues re: house and visa but she's in denial.

I really do understand the whole Stockholm syndrome element of DV and that statistically it takes many attempts to leave, I get that. I am not a victim - blamer. I just have compassion fatigue.

I have told her very bluntly, 'No you certainly don't have a future with someone who calls you a cunt'. I also told her how I blocked his emails. I find myself getting really irritated when she talks about how much she loves him.

Not sure what I'm asking for here. Just venting.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 26/04/2019 18:51

I get it op. I emailed mry friend who suffered dv calling time on our friendship.
7 years of constant conversations about him. Draining and n front of all our dc. Def inappropriate imo.
Backing off is the only way ime.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 18:52

I think she could sense my irritation when I got home from work and she'd somehow still not managed to make copies of the keys and she had to explain that to me in great depth while I was shutting off the alarm which she'd activated by accident.

You know that dynamic where someone keeps apologising but it just makes you more irritated? Hey ho.

OP posts:
MyToothPain · 26/04/2019 18:56

Have some Flowers and Gin. You’ve done a very nice thing for someone.

Compassion fatigue is totally a thing, and it’s v good that you recognise that’s what it is. Is she getting any support? Hopefully someone will come along and link that that freedom programme thing!

WillLokireturn · 26/04/2019 19:00

How long has she stayed? Has she made contact with housing as a DV survivor, as your offer was temporary. It's a lovely thing you've done, but it sounds like it's wearing you out too now. Emotional abuse is so insidious, i can understand how she is caught in a circle. But she has to want to cut contact and walk away.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 19:06

She's in a strong position legally, in re house and visa. She has access to free legal advice through me and my colleague. I gave her the number for womens aid etc but she is not interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 19:27

She's going home tomorrow to try and 'work things out'. Hey ho.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 19:30

I did tell her, 'You have a legal right to have him removed from the house' but she was like 'Yeah but he can't stay in his old house because his brother blah blah blah'.

Right then! Going to the gym.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/04/2019 19:31

I have a friend who came to stay with me after suffering DV. It took her a long time to finally leave for good, thank goodness now she is free but it was a long and frustrating road.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 19:37

Thanks for sharing you guys. She's really not in a healthy place and for some reason I'm getting hugely irritated. I'm normally so chill, it's weird. Like my own reaction is surprising me. Getting some space at the gym.

OP posts:
MaderiaCycle · 26/04/2019 20:08

A woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times (on average) before she leaves for good. It’s a long process that you could probably support from afar rather than by having her in your house. The dynamics around such relationships are so different to normal ones it’s reallt hard to understand from the outside.

Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 20:11

You did an amazing thing!

If she wants to go back - let her.

Drink wine.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 20:16

Just hope she's not like a friend of mine who went back to her abusive partner, after taking refuge with me, and (once they'd reconciled) told him all the "mean" things I'd said about him. He then started being verbally abusive to me too. I backed off the pair of them sharpish.

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 26/04/2019 20:24

My friend's exh went to prison, police installed panic systems into her and her dps houses for his release.
She was in contact with him all along...
What a bloody waste of police resources..
You can't help people who won't help themselves op.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 20:36

So true Easter

OP posts:
MsFenellaFielding · 26/04/2019 20:51

I'm sorry this is happening. Like a previous poster said, I too recently have had a friendship of over 10 years end.

Apparently I came on to him in front of her, my daughter and her two daughters. This is a man I have been listening to her talk about. Have seen the bruises. Have helped arrange hostel/hotel/my home (Police were called that time). I can't do anything more and, really sadly, I am not that bothered now. I hope she is alright but it's just more of the same.

MsFenellaFielding · 26/04/2019 20:52

Sorry, meant to say look after yourself Flowers.

1WayOrAnother · 26/04/2019 20:56

I also struggle with a friend who constantly returns to the topic of the abusive ex. She's with someone else now but somehow still seems unable to move on from the abuse. Over 18 months o since they split, I think she still gets some sort of validation from going on about what a massive twat he is. I couldn't agree more, that's why I don't want to keep talking about him!

Original poster
Waytooearly · 26/04/2019 22:34

And what the hell has she done to the alarm? Outside light still flashing and too late to call repair...

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 09:15

She's not ready to leave yet (and may never or at least not in the short term).

You've been kind letting her stay.

She sounds still at that stage where she's not mentally and emotionally out/over/done - is still just hashing it over, getting upset, engaging in the 'conflict' etc.

You can't do anything else, if she leaves again help her get alt accommodation - not staying at yours.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 09:18

My sister did this for years - took 10 years, with a 6 month to split 5 years in - to end the 'relatipnship'. Though she had a child with him.
(And if took him losing his job for her to finally do it).

It could be years. Youll have to decide if you can take that that long and how to minimise the stress on you.

LittleCandle · 27/04/2019 09:24

I helped a friend in similar circumstances (not DV) once and found it wearing. He had moved another woman into the marital home and the OW called the police on my friend when she entered her own home. It was all very messy.

Thankfully, she only stayed a couple of days and eventually moved back into the marital home and he and OW left. OW went back to her rich husband in the US. Friend and her husband are separated but still married more than 10 years on.

I realised she was a drama llama and she was utterly unsupportive when my marriage broke down. I haven't seen her in at least 8 years, although she occasionally sends me weird messages on FB messenger, which I generally ignore...

You can only help so much, OP, and no blame on you if you can do no more.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 27/04/2019 09:41

Thanks guys.

She left very early this morning, slipped out before I woke!

It is just impossible to 'support' someone when they're harming themselves, frankly.

She was saying last night that he has been phoning her family back home, telling them that she's a criminal (she's not).

Her family's reaction has been 'Well try to get couples counselling... Maybe we'll come out in June...'

It seems like I'm literally the only one in her life saying, 'He's an abusive alcoholic, he needs to be removed from the house, here are some legal resources...'

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 09:47

It's probably even harder for her to see the wood for the trees when her family is not supporting her/taking it seriously
She'll feel she's in the wrong/her reactions are ott. Sounds like she's getting the 'marital tough times you need to work through, don't be a quitter message". The least helpful thing possible.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 27/04/2019 09:47

I really appreciate the empathy you guys, I was feeling like I ought to be able to do more for her.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2019 09:48

You can’t stop someone self harming, physically or mentally unfortunately
A good friend confessed she was in an abuse relationship ( friendship group already guessed as we had seen him in action). We rallied round and provided help and support of all kinds. She went off radar and we guessed she had gone back to him again as she was avoiding us or having minimal contact
Next thing we get invited to a farewell party as they were moving to Australia! They went and if FB is anything to go by it’s all wonderful but he’s an abusive areshole who has managed to remove our friend from her support network
It's mentally draining being there for someone like that and when they end up back with their abuser it dies fell like it’s been for nothing

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