Offered friend to stay at mine due to abusive husband - - finding it unexpectedly hard

[Waytooearly]

There's a really lovely woman I know whose husband has decided to become a drunken abusive ass. She's from another country and no family here so obviously I offered her my spare room for a while.

I really like having guests and she's lovely but I am finding it unexpectedly hard. I'm actually shocked at myself.

Whenever we sit down to eat or have a cup of tea she wants to talk about the latest abusive text she's received and frankly I'm tired of it. Why does he keep drinking? Who cares?

I work at a law firm and got good advice for her from colleagues re: house and visa but she's in denial.

I really do understand the whole Stockholm syndrome element of DV and that statistically it takes many attempts to leave, I get that. I am not a victim - blamer. I just have compassion fatigue.

I have told her very bluntly, 'No you certainly don't have a future with someone who calls you a cunt'. I also told her how I blocked his emails. I find myself getting really irritated when she talks about how much she loves him.

Not sure what I'm asking for here. Just venting.

You can try to support her but only it she can help herself.

It could take her a (long) while to get to 'i've had enough, I'm out" esp given he's very manipulative.

Is her culture conservative re. this as well?

No one deserves that garbage.

I know it's wrong to see it this way, but one element that makes it shocking is how successful she is. How many resources she has. She's fantastically accomplished, actually a bit famous in her field. Lived all over the world. Lovely and outgoing, loads of friends.

And then this strange disconnect of her being in this cluttered dark house with this worthless pig of a man who calls her filthy names.

All I can do is offer her resources.

people stuck in cycles like this are not ready to face the big hole in themselves. The utter preoccupation with the 'other' keeps the wolf at the door - the emptiness, the fear of self - responsibility and what the perceive as crushing never-ending loneliness without the 'other'. Nothing you nor anyone else 'says' makes any impact - you are being used as food for the addiction.

Buy here a copy of the classic "women who love too much" and tell her good luck and good riddance.

You did an amazing thing OP, but you can’t rescue her, and you’ve done enough. Make sure she knows that now she’s gone back to him the offer to live with you is no longer convenient for you and she will not be able to move back in. Not out of spite, but just do you don’t end up as a place she thinks she can drop in and out of when it is bugging you.

As someone who left an abusive ex thank you for being there. You can't do more than you have. I was unusual in that I never went back. I made the decision then set a date, a month later, and stuck it.

I know it's wrong to see it this way, but one element that makes it shocking is how successful she is.

I sometimes think people like this may stay in abusive relationships because they cannot "fail" at anything.

They see this as failure (even if it is not).and keep trying to work of out/make it work.

If her family sees divorce as failure and she was raised with pressure to be successful and 'perfect' in everything, that could be a factor too.

I have a friend whose DH walked out of, apparently 'out of the blue'.

Every time she got drunk, she would go on and on and on about him. For years. It was very wearing, I feel your pain, constantly hearing that she 'still loved him' when he was behaving like a vile c--t towards her and their DC.

Eventually we had a row about it which caused a rift in our friendship. We made up but I now know it took another divorced mutual friend to say 'Enough' to her for her to realise she had become a cracked record.

people stuck in cycles like this are not ready to face the big hole in themselves. The utter preoccupation with the 'other' keeps the wolf at the door - the emptiness, the fear of self - responsibility and what the perceive as crushing never-ending loneliness without the 'other'. Nothing you nor anyone else 'says' makes any impact - you are being used as food for the addiction.

Bang on, rosabug. I totally agree.

I have been in this situation too, OP, and there's a reason why she's in a relationship with someone who is abusive: she herself has deep-seated issues she needs to deal with. Of course, if she doesn't, all and sundry around her carry her disowned baggage for her: that's why it's so fucking tiring and infuriating. There's an unconscious exchange that we, as supporters, are co-opted into.

When I was doing this for a friend, I had to also look at my own investment in helping her, and realised I had a less-than-healthy unconscious motive: I was trying to change my (now-deceased) mother through her, and so change my childhood too.

Mirrors upon mirrors upon mirrors.

You really can only do so much. I've been on both sides. I tried to help a friend- let her stay with me, helped her with food and clothes, bills, sat with her in the police station, went to court with her, for three years. I helped when she went into a refuge and helped her set up her new house when she came out.
I called round one evening to find the man it was all down to, sitting in the living room with a cup of tea. I have had to cut contact because I can't do any more.

Freedom Programme. Al-Anon. Fast.

She must learn she is not reaponsible for the welfare of a fully grown, adult and able bodied man.

She is not responsible for his feelings, his accommodation or his drinking.

When she asks to stay with you again, be prepared.

Abused/Battered spouse syndrome is, effectively Stockholm Syndrome.

Freedom Programme

realy strongly recommend she does this, ideally in person, but there is an online version you can do, you can search on the sit to find a course near you

OP, you might also find it useful to read the book that goes with the course as it might help you understand why your friend thinks/acts as she does

Living with the Dominator

it's a very quick read

Well this has all taken a thoughtful and interesting turn. Thanks for the interesting comments.

I like the posts above about being 'co-opted' or as 'food for the addiction'. That hit the nail on the head. I really found myself feeling angry when she would start to read out another abusive text, for instance. I would cut it off and say, 'Why haven't you blocked him?' It felt kind of manipulative to be honest.

There is nothing more frustrating than years and years of abused adults who seek solace, advise, shelter and support from someone, then do absolutely nothing to alter their situation. I can appreciate it is a hugely difficult decision to completely turn your life upside down, by jumping into the abyss of the unknown, but is has to be easier with support. As a supporter, you can only give so much over a long period of time, before you get to overload; then, as other pps have stated, that support is then often withdrawn.
You have done as much as you can OP, for your own sake you have to take a step back.

I would be irritated too. Sadly, you just can't help some people. Not for the long-term anyway.