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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice

33 replies

lifegoes · 26/04/2019 17:20

I'll try and keep this short, but I think I'm looking for advice or just some reassurance at this point.

Met an amazing guy 6 weeks ago (not long) but we really connected. Talked everyday spent amazing time together. We went away at the weekend DTD and it was amazing. He was so smitten with me wanted to see me again, making plans etc.

Got home and I didn't hear from him (strange) next day I did all lovely and back to him. Then nothing (which going from a guy who was texting all the time) so I thought ok I've been ghosted by a 47yr old.

Next day text him saying I think I could've been shown the respect I deserve, if you don't want this have the decency to say, plenty of guys would want my attention.
He read and ignored.

Later that night I get a message from a young girl 23 who asked me if I'd been seeing him. Apparently a fake Instagram account told her, which has now turned out to be one his friends wife.

She's been with him 3 years yes she's 23 he's 47 👀 she's devastated. She begged me to tell her the truth and I did. I was gutted to hear this. As this didn't sound like him at all. She told me she told him she knew and sent me the screen shots of his texts where he said he needed to meet me to know what he really wants from life.

2 days later I'm still furious with him, I really want to give him a piece of my mind. Something I've still not done!!

But part of me thinks why should I, he'l ignore me and I'll be more furious. The other side thinks I have every right to vent my anger at him.

I'm just stuck and feel so annoyed that he's done this. He knew about my ex and promised he was nothing like that. He was worse than me ex.

Advice or reassurance please?

OP posts:
FTM05 · 26/04/2019 17:41

I'd walk away with your head held high, its disgusting what he has done.. but he'll get the justice he deserves, his wife now knows about it and i'm pretty sure any normal women would leave or atleast make him walk the plank for a very long time.

You deserve better than some cheating scumbag. I know you have feelings for him, but you're lucky you found this out now not years down the line, that would've been so much worse, he tried to live two separate lives and he's already been caught.

I hope you are alright, you have ended up finding the truth out so soon... where as other women in this situation may even have a family with a man who is married or has cheated.

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 17:47

Thanks @FTM05 they aren't married. I was shocked at the age gap at first I thought it couldn't be true.

I do need to walk away with my head held high, it's just that rage inside that wants to give him a piece of my mind. But there's no point I guess, he won't care at all.

I just think she's taking him back, she was so upset and so young my heart really felt for her.

OP posts:
Aimily · 26/04/2019 17:50

Write it down and burn it. If you need to rage write do it, but don't send it to him, nothing will come of that. Walk away with your head held high because you know you deserve better.

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 17:53

That's a great idea @Aimily

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2019 17:55

You would look a fool to ever contact him again. Let it go and move on. Next time be a bit more wary and cautious. That immediate love bombing is a MASSIVE red flag.

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 17:58

@Aquamarine1029 there wasn't any love bombing. It gradually happened over time.

There were no red flags and believe me, I know red flags when I see them.

OP posts:
FTM05 · 26/04/2019 18:12

I am not being judgemental, because sometimes age is just a number, but personally a older man with a young women is SOMETIMES due to this, as you said she's taken him back, she's naive, in love and thinks this is the end of the world... she's young and she's going to go through this again with him, maybe he will get further next time without getting caught.

It's sickening that men get away with things like this, I completely understand your rage and why you would want to tell him what you think, but him knowing he's hurt you will only make his ego bigger, don't give him the satisfaction... xx

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 18:22

@FTM05 that's exactly what I needed to hear TBH it will boost his ego.

24years age gap is huge, I think it says about him than her. I find it vile my son is 21

Thank you, your words were exactly what I needed to hear xx

OP posts:
FTM05 · 26/04/2019 18:47

Just remember, you are worth so much more. No one deserves to feel the way that scumbag made you feel. I don't know you personally, but I can tell you this... you are beautiful and the world is your oyster.. you can achieve anything lovely and this is just a hiccup.

I wish you all the best for the future!f Flowers

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 18:57

Thank you @FTM05 that's such an amazing thing to say

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 26/04/2019 19:04

Sounds like a textbook narcissist with the whole getting close to you real fast and acting 'smitten' (and obviously the lying and cheating lol).

But maybe it just wasn't as obvious this time. Heck, we all miss the signs sometimes.

Well, you know now. At least you found out before this creep screwed your life up (like he will that poor girl).

Hope you bounce back quickly, he isn't worth a second more of your thoughts x

category12 · 26/04/2019 19:12

"It gradually happened over time" = 6 weeks?! Hmm

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 19:25

@category12 I've not come on here to be judged or patronised. I've asked for advice.

We weren't in love, we were just fond of each other and a bit smitten. That's not love bombing it's dating.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/04/2019 19:33

I'm pointing out your judgement is off if you think 6 weeks is gradual and long enough to know there weren't any red flags.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/04/2019 19:38

He sounds like a predator and obviously saw a chink in your armour and some vulnerability and swooped in. Agree it does sound like love bombing as 6 weeks is such a short period of time.

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 19:40

Ok @category12 please feel free to give advice on my actual question rather than judging my character.

Also my therapist didn't think it was love bombing so she may need to quit her job.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 19:41

@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 I think I was more a conquest tbh.

But the previous poster made me realise I don't need to give him my thoughts on it. I can walk away with my head held high

OP posts:
category12 · 26/04/2019 19:44

How is it judging your character, to say you had poor judgement? Everyone misreads or gets caught up in stuff sometimes: it says nothing about their character.

From the outside, it seems pretty clear that he swept you off your feet into bed and then vamoosed. That he happened to have a much younger girlfriend is the horrid cherry on top. I can see that you want to think of it as mutually being smitten, but the evidence is against it. I'm sorry that you're upset and angry, of course. But 6 weeks is a very short time.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/04/2019 19:44

Regardless of what it was he is a scumbag and you definitely dodged a bullet. Onwards and upwards as they say!

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 19:47

Thank you @NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 def onwards and upwards

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 19:51

@category12 I'm angry because I still feel I should give him a piece of mind or even confront him on his having a GF

I can see from the short overview I have gave, how you may see this. But I certainly wasn't lovebombed. I was annoyed I'd been ghosted and then to hear of the GF.

Nothing more, nothing less

OP posts:
category12 · 26/04/2019 19:56

Tomayto tomato.

JK1773 · 26/04/2019 19:59

What an absolute scumbag!!! Who on earth do people like this think they are to treat others like that. You will want to vent OP. I bloody would too. However I did vent, massively. By email. I got a 4 word text in response, no explanation, no real apology. And in the end I regretted sending the email, I felt I’d exposed myself a bit if you know what I mean. Made myself vulnerable which I’m not. If you want to vent type him a letter or email but don’t send it. That will help Flowers

Lineofdutysex · 26/04/2019 20:01

I’m amazed someone would go to all that trouble for one shag. Do people do that?

Original poster
lifegoes · 26/04/2019 20:05

@JK1773 I'm writing an angry letter as we speak. That's my worry, I haven't had my say, never got to have my say on what he's done. But will he really care, absolutely not.

I'm sorry to hear, they made you feel like that. But I do think we need to get these things off your chest. Why should he be allowed to just carry on and not face my wrath ha

OP posts:
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