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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sister who is a doctor

80 replies

viccytwiffy · 26/04/2019 17:19

I (47) broke up recently with a boyfriend whom i couldnt feign interest in any longer (true boredom). He pestered me with letters and emails to take him back declaring forever love. I got rid of him eventually by sending him escalatingly rude emails. I made a bad mistake of citing violent threat in one of them, and he took it to the police and he contacted my sister (50) whom he had never met and showed her my emails and explained the break up. She sided with him (!), without consulting me, went to the police station with him and made a statement in support of him against me citing my emotional history. I have not seen her since 2 years when this happened. she is a doctor, she can get away with anything she likes.

OP posts:

Langrish · 27/04/2019 10:41

Disloyalty?
Making violent threats should override any concerns of family loyalty (especially so for a medical professional with intimate knowledge of the person concerned, would have thought).

NoBaggyPants · 27/04/2019 10:43

There is a feeling on this thread that once you have been diagnosed with any MH issue then you cannot be cured or free of it and it is perfectly acceptable to bring it up years after the event to show that someone is unstable

OP clearly isn't free of mental health difficulty though is she? And it may well be the thing that stopped the police taking it further, her behaviour was due to a diagnosed condition and not just a violent threat.

NoBaggyPants · 27/04/2019 10:44

Have you sought help @viccy? If you have a history of emotional dysregulation, do you have any coping mechanisms for this?

Honeyroar · 27/04/2019 10:47

Did you ever contact her and tell her your side of the story/ask her why she sided with someone she didn't know?

Of course she's seen exactly what you wrote, whereas we only have what you're telling us..

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/04/2019 10:55

NoBaggyPants so if you have MH problems 30+ years ago if someone pushes your buttons and makes you angry then you are angry because of your MH issues from 30 years ago.

Can you never be angry again no matter how far someone pushes you.

Surely the ex needs to have some counselling if he can’t take no for an answer

The sister didn’t need to say take it to the police she could have told ex that her sister obviously didn’t want to get back with him and No means no.

Ex sounds the unhinged one.

Has he a history of this type of behaviour that the police know about?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 10:57

So what's the OPs justification for sending threats?

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/04/2019 11:06

Because normal “this is over” conversations weren’t working

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 11:21

Bullshit. Not good enough. She had a lot of other options.

Going by what she has said I'd be very interested to hear the others story.

sanityisamyth · 27/04/2019 11:25

And?

MrsRyanGosling15 · 27/04/2019 11:48

OP clearly isn't free of mental health difficulty though is she? You are literally making things up and diagnosing strangers on the internet.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 11:58

The ex contacted the sister and told her about the threats, sister says "you need to take this to the police". Correct behaviour.

No, it isn't.

Correct behaviour would be to ask him why he feels the need to contact her about it. If it's to alert her that her sister needs help of some kind, perhaps but this wasn't to do that. No way.

Why is he running telling tales to her sister?
If he has a problem with a threat he made during a relationship breakdown (in which it sounds like he was harassing op) he'd a big boy, he can go to the police himself if he wants. He doesn't need her sisters help or input.

I seriously don't think he contacted her sister because of concern - and her sister didn't act like she was concerned.

She should have said to him " why are contacting me about this? Do what you see fit? What was the context of this threat? I speak to my sister to see if she'd ok.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 11:59

*I'll speak to my sister to see if she'd ok but don't contact me again.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:01

Also sister didn't even say "contact police". According to op she;

went to the police station with him and made a statement in support of him against me

Read the thread.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 12:03

I did read the thread. With a hefty pinch of salt.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:05

That is beyond the pale.

It wouldn't matter if my sister was actually unstable, I wouldn't be siding against exes with her, especially officially/legally .. if I heard this I'd go to her and speak to her, ask her what happened, talk seriously to get about the ramifications of making threats, try to get her help if necessary.

If ex wanted to pursue threat with police, that would be up to him.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:06

I did read the thread. With a hefty pinch of salt.

Then if you're unsure what's true or not, should you be making assumptions and commenting based on those assumptions?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:08

In saying that, there seems to be a lot of background information missing here.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 12:09

Exactly. There is a lot missing. And I believe that a majority of it is to do with the OPs behaviour.

I don't think she comes out of her own story looking good.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:13

You're getting a hard time on this thread op bcs of the threatening violence thing. Mn is extremely, totally, intolerant of violence, threatened or otherwise. So you've been smashed on that principle.

Yeah man users can be so unrealistic & sanctimonious; they never ever lose their tempers, they never say anything stupid, they're always on perfect control, with perfect perspective at all times. Pity this doesn't reflect the real world.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:14

*MN

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:19

they can gang up and that makes both of them very happy. its a sexual gratification thing i am sure. a real turn on.

Is this because your ex was abusive and you think he gets gratification out of embarrassing you/getting one over on you?

Do you suspect he and your sister have gotten involved?

I have a super creepy uncle who hooked up with his ex's sister after they go finished/she threw him out. It's convenient but also they get huge gratification out of moving on so close to home for her; they think (correctly) it would bother her more than a non relative. They probably get satisfaction at thinking they're ruining the relationship between her and her sister too, they'll have inflicted permanent pain and 'punishment' on her, it'll always be there in her family and life.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:22

Incidentally the uncle who did was abusive to the extent of breaking the ex's ribs while kneeling on her chest during an argument cause she 'needed to be restrained' . MN and her sister must've known about this.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 12:23

Don't know how that MN crept in there.

Pieceofpurplesky · 27/04/2019 12:26

Will the op be back?
A lot depends on what the threat was. She said he was manipulative and wouldn't let her go - what's the bet that (if this is true) he is trying it on with the sister to get back at her ...

For what it's worth my ex was screaming at me and DS in mu house and calling me all the names under the sun. My dad lives next door and I said 'if he hears you shouting at us like this he will come round and punch you' He saw that as a threat and tells everyone that I am violent ...

Whichwayfoward · 27/04/2019 15:23

I wouldn't expect my sister to support me if I was making threats. That behaviour is never acceptable and the price were right to be notified

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