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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister who is a doctor

80 replies

viccytwiffy · 26/04/2019 17:19

I (47) broke up recently with a boyfriend whom i couldnt feign interest in any longer (true boredom). He pestered me with letters and emails to take him back declaring forever love. I got rid of him eventually by sending him escalatingly rude emails. I made a bad mistake of citing violent threat in one of them, and he took it to the police and he contacted my sister (50) whom he had never met and showed her my emails and explained the break up. She sided with him (!), without consulting me, went to the police station with him and made a statement in support of him against me citing my emotional history. I have not seen her since 2 years when this happened. she is a doctor, she can get away with anything she likes.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 26/04/2019 18:06

Can I ask exactly what the threats were that you made?

Did the police take any action against you?

I agree her being a Dr is irrelevant.

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2019 18:09

they can gang up and that makes both of them very happy. its a sexual gratification thing i am sure. a real turn on.

Wtf? Confused

burntprop · 26/04/2019 18:22

You are the problem

sammylady37 · 26/04/2019 18:32

being a doctor means she does not have to account for her decisions or actions.... fact. not in the legal sense, but in the social sense....

Ehh, not fact at all. Total bull, actually. If anything, doctors are held to greater scrutiny than the general public.

Fairenuff · 26/04/2019 18:46

I think your sister might have a point actually. You do sound unstable and you did make threats. I don't see why she shouldn't support him if he's telling the truth.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 26/04/2019 18:51

Hi OP, so your break up was recent but prior to this you hadn't seen your sister for two years - is that correct? Yet your ex knew how to contact her. Was there a specific reason for your two year lack of contact - and how did he have her details?

SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 19:10

You had options.

You could have told him to stop harassing you or you'd take legal action.

You could have ignored and deleted the messages without reading them.

You could have blocked him.

You could have changed your email address.

Instead you chose to send increasingly bad messages till you threatened violence.

This isn't about frustration.... you displayed extremely poor judgement and putting a threat in writing was plain madness.

His lovestruck messages didn't warrant a threat of violence.... so your side wouldn't have likely made a difference to your sister.

There's obviously more to this or there's another story from your sister's POV.

springydaff · 26/04/2019 19:14

You're getting a hard time on this thread op bcs of the threatening violence thing. Mn is extremely, totally, intolerant of violence, threatened or otherwise. So you've been smashed on that principle.

I get it that 2 years after your sister's massivo betrayal it is still giving you problems. I have sisters who have done similar so I get it.

Your talking about her being a doctor I think illustrates your sense of powerlessness when it comes to her. I'm still afraid of my elder sister, even after years of therapy.

Sibling abuse is not really recognised yet. You and I know it's real Flowers

Singlewhiteguineapig · 26/04/2019 19:17

@Fairenuff

Pathetic.

madcatladyforever · 26/04/2019 19:22

Whatever the situation that is incredibly disloyal of your sister I'd just never ever betray mine like that.
Unless she knows something we don't for example a history of unstable behaviour. Not knowing you I can't say obviously.
I understand how you can threaten somebody without meaning it, I've certainly felt like bloody murdering my ex on occasion but it really isn't a great idea putting that stuff on paper.
I'd dump her as a sister she sounds like a complete bitch.

Mortgages · 27/04/2019 07:44

I think under the surface of this you are jealous of your sister. Great here is your excuse to cut her off finally.
I’m a doctor and it doesn’t mean I’m above the law or whatever you think.
How can you expect people to comment when we don’t know your sisters perspective. This all sounds batshit crazy.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 27/04/2019 08:08

OP I totally get what you mean. You do not sound like the unstable one to me. Your sister sounds like a total bloody loon! I don't know anyone who behaves like that. You read so many threads on here with women being seriously pushed to the edge with abusive men who just won't take no for an answer. That happened to you. I don't see how people can't understand that. Sure wouldnt it be lovely to go back in time and say you should have done this or that? To then come on here and completely decide that you are obviously unstable and aggressive with a history they have seemingly made up for you. As batshit as your sister! The her being a doctor side, do you mean that if she can behave like this with you it makes you doubt the type of person she is, her honesty etc and therefore how is she meant to be a good doctor when she seems a bit mad? Yea, I would be thinking that too. The 2 of them will be together in no time, mark my words.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2019 08:11

What? This makes no sense. It happened two years ago, so this isn't recent. And nothing has occurred since? Why are you saying it's a sexual gratification thing? That's just odd.

If this is real then I strongly suspect you are the problem.

Fairenuff · 27/04/2019 10:08

There's obviously a huge backstory here OP involving your 'emotional history' which you say your sister brought to the police. Something must have happened in the past for the police to take this 'history' seriously. Her side of the story is obviously very different to what little you've told us here.

PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2019 10:13

a doctor means she does not have to account for her decisions or actions

This is s bizarre point of view.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 10:15

I think under the surface of this you are jealous of your sister.

Actually I think the opposite; her sister is jealous of her or resents her. Why else would someone take their sisters ex's side against their sister to such an unnecessary extent? Encouraging the man to go to the police, facilitating it .. if you had a scrap of feeling/loyalty to your sister you'd )at the v and very most) the him to deal with it as he sees fit and not get involved.

It sounds like she wanted to see her sister charged, she wanted to make sure the threat against her ex, who was harassing her - was exploited to the max, to cause her sister maximum stress and fear )of prosecution).

Bring depressed when young and having to be treated for it is not instability.

Even if I had an unstable sister (thinki g about it, I actually do) I would never ever take a man's part against her and side with him. Whatever he wanted to do about the threat, he could do. That's his perogative. But I wouldn't be involved in it.

Incredible betrayal and I have to wonder wtf is going on with her sister, it sounds almost malicious. Like she was happy to have the opportunity to go at her sister and escalate something.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 10:17

I would speak to my sister about what on earth had happened that it got to that point, and about the lack of wisdom in making a threat especially one recorded in text, and see what help she needed.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 10:22

Also people saying get sister being a doctor means nothing in terms of people judging her are either naive or being purposefully obtuse .. doctors still receive a huge amount of automatic respect and validation. People do assume they are intelligent, respectable, stable and perceive them as having authority. They are still on s bit of a pedestal for many people, until very vigorously proven otherwise.

Op is correct in saying her sister backing her ex and going against her have his claims/his case more apparent validity and respectability.

It was a totally unnecessary thing for her sister to do and beyond disloyal.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 10:24

And how dare her sister refer to/keep referring to her depression etc when she was younger; it sounds like she likes her being down, likes her being pegged as the the unstable one, the disaster and wants it to continue.

No decent sister, without issues against her younger sister, would act like this.

Fairenuff · 27/04/2019 10:28

It sounds like she wanted to see her sister charged, she wanted to make sure the threat against her ex, who was harassing her - was exploited to the max, to cause her sister maximum stress and fear )of prosecution).

But OP doesn't say any of that. All she says is it's because of 'sexual gratification'.

Unless OP wants to provide a little more information, it's all purely speculation. You could just as easily say that OP has a history of threatening in the past and has done so on 'x' occasions to 'x' number of people which is why the sister is supporting the latest victim.

We just don't know and are not likely to know imo.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 27/04/2019 10:30

The OP doesn't come across as reasonable here. It could be that her sister is aware of some past behaviour that made her genuinely concerned for this man. So when presented with the facts she did advise him to seek out the police. Which was the right thing to do!!
You can't go throwing threats around and then bitch about the consequences

QueenBeex · 27/04/2019 10:37

op just a heads up you're going to get flamed for this thread, for the fact is was a while ago and the voilent threat you made when your ex wouldn't stop harassing you, gd luck

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/04/2019 10:38

*a doctor means she does not have to account for her decisions or actions

This is s bizarre point of view*

You might say bizarre but from my own POV being a dr added weight to her statement.

There is a feeling on this thread that once you have been diagnosed with any MH issue then you cannot be cured or free of it and it is perfectly acceptable to bring it up years after the event to show that someone is unstable.

Interested in those that say she could have blocked him how that would work when he wrote to her.
Can you get the postmen not to deliver letters in someone’s handwriting.

I would say op that your sister was jealous of you and hated you as it sounds like she jumped at the chance to bring trouble to your door.

Surely as a dr their is a certain confidentiality to be maintained and bringing up your past mental health in a statement she freely gave to the police would have been breaking that

PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2019 10:40

Surely as a dr their is a certain confidentiality to be maintained and bringing up your past mental health in a statement she freely gave to the police would have been breaking that

There’s no doctor-sister confidentiality. Confused. The op was never her patient.

NoBaggyPants · 27/04/2019 10:40

I'm with @Contraception here.

The ex contacted the sister and told her about the threats, sister says "you need to take this to the police". Correct behaviour.

The ex goes to the police and says sister is aware of situation, and that OP has a history of unstable behaviour, sister will be able to give more detail. The police go to the sister for more background information. Again, this is the right action to be taken.

The sister may actually be the person that stopped the police taking it further. "Yes, OP does have a history of instability, but is never violent with it, she just reacts badly to stress" or some such. Hence the police are lenient and do not caution/ issue a harassment notice or worse.