Would this behaviour concern you?

[CrumpetWithMarg]

Hello all!

My DP (6 years together, living together just as long!) has always been super guarded over his phone/computer. In the first three minths we were together, as a result of this, I snooped, and was glad I did as he was still talking inappropriately to several exes, despite me moving in with him (we lived a long distance apart so decided all or nothing).

This all came out and I admitted it to him, but said I was glad I knew the situation. He said things changed and though I didn't totally believe him, we stuck together.

He has since lied about going to meet one ex, and made out I was out of order when I said I would rather he didn't meet up with someone he'd had a sexual fling with. I had decided to get over this and trust he is where he says he is, even if my gut doesn't really believe it.

Anyway.. roll on the following 6 years.. Huge ups and downs, bags packed, the works, several times, but always talked out of leaving. Still as guarded over his phone and computer, accuses me of looking at them (which I genuinely haven't done since). Yesterday I went to the gym, straight there from home, chucked my phone into my bag and left, 20 minutes later he;s banging on the door while I'm waiting for my PT session, says I've got his phone. I'm certain I don't but go up to the lockers, and sure enough, both our phones are in my bag. We have the dame phones in identical cases. I take it straight down and hand it over, end of.

Until I got home, then all hell broke loose - I'm snooping, I took his phone on purpose to look through (Touch ID and no idea of his passcode so impossible), looking for messages/calls etc. The thing is, this far down the line, and with the way I feel now, I couldn't care less (I know, that's a bad sign in itself!).

I said to him I really didn't 'take' it. I genuinely do not recall putting two phones in my bag, so in actual fact I think he may have put it there as an excuse to check I was at the gym (go 5 times a week and he doesn't like it, despite telling me I need to). Either that, or I really did manage to pick up both phones and he has got something to hide and I'm going mad. It was so bad he slept in the living room last night, and I didn't realise until I woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn't there, then told me to stop sulking this morning!

What are your opinions? I don't know how to approach this? I know i cocked up when we first got together and that snooping isn't good, but I am glad I did and knew where I stood!

I have to move on from his (far more recent) in-discrepancies, but not him from mine?

Jesus. I wouldn't waste any more time on him. He sounds awful.

He sounds so shady, you should break up with him

Do you want to be with him? If not then to be honest I'd leave it pretty simple and say there's no point going over and over it, it clearly isn't working and draw a line under it.

If you do... Tough one. I've had similar with my DH, years of being touchy over his phone, EA's discovered though never the full extent. After a lot of time he's now far more relaxed with his phone - but probably because I, like you, have stopped caring and I think he's finally realised what he might lose. I wish I'd cut the ties years ago though. So take from that what you will! It sounds like you are mentally moving on also... Maybe now is the time to call it a draw?

LTB.

Deep down you know life is way too short to waste it on someone who has let you down so early into a relationship and hasn't improved since.

For the fact he tells you that you need to go to the gym would make me ltb...
He is a sneaky cheat imo.

Have you heard the expression "being gaslighted'?

Few weeks ago, I couldn't sleep and rather than disturb DP, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table that we leave them on for charging and went downstairs to try and tire myself out. Ended up lying on sofa and using the iPad for reading etc till I fell asleep. Got up the next morning and realised I'd actually took his phone and left mine upstairs. Went upstairs and hes watching TV or whatever.

Firstly, he just laughed at me taking his phone. No accusations, no arguments, nothing.

Secondly he didn't even look at mine. He could if hed wanted. He had no interest.

I would say that is an example of a healthy relationship. Yours would seem he has and had something to hide.

Get rid of him.

I speak from someone that had a number of horrendous relationships in the past. I know it's scary and you think you'll never meet anyone else, but peace if mind at least has to make the risk worth it

I would say this isn't a "relationship" at all

Thanks for the replies everyone.

@Beenherebefore I've heard the term but no clue what it is.. does this sound like it?

@Needsomebottle wow, so do you wish you could go back and leave? Would you leave now?

I'm kind of at a loss, I do care about him but this behaviour, couple with other things he's said, little comments etc., have really ground me down, to the point I wish he would openly cheat so I could just walk away easily. As it is, I've got a good job, but it's a three month notice period so that's a long wait. He we split I'd move back to my home town.

Regards the gym comments, I've quite 'good' thighs and a huge bum. I used to be happy wearing whatever but over the years I've stopped because of his comments. Then he said I should get going at the gym as I have a sit down job. I'm not a natural fitness fanatic, but am actually really enjoying it now after work, and he's always quiet and moody when I get home (not later than 6.30pm).

I just can't decide if it's just how he is or if he's hiding things.

Also, whenever he';s with mates or family, conversation always seems to end up being around trips/experiences he had in the past with exes, and he'll always say "you don't mind me bringing this up, do you babe?". I always say no.. thinking of saying yes next time!

@baileys6904 that's exactly how I would be; I am not guarded over my phone at all. When I said that to him, he just said I did all of my secret stuff at work, where he had no access!!

He's really hiding things isn't he?

Is this what you want from your life?
Someone you can't trust?
Someone giving you shit?
I wouldn't.

It's your choice but it's a horrible way to live when there's a actually great people out there that won't give you grief and drama and you can have fun with.
Take your pick about what you want

He's really hiding things isn't he
Of course he us!
If his phone rang. say when you were in the car( for example) would he say, can you get that?
If he goes for a bath and the text goes off could you see a name and shout ' oi!A text has just come in from Dave, do you want me to have a look?
If not why not?
In our house the phones from all four of us are just left in a table or work top.
Even my (adult ) sons will ask their girlfriends to answer if they are busy

but I am glad I did and knew where I stood!
Yes you did. But decided to keep going with him.
This makes no sense to me.
You sound lovely and you deserve far better than this.
He sulks.
He gaslights.
He flirts with other women.
The texts other women.
He meets up with other women.
He makes horrible comments about you.
Honestly..... What is the point of this?
Please find your self-esteem again, that he's managed to grind down, and get away - far and fast!

In answer to your question, yes, I wish I had left then. Now it feels to have lost impetus and like because he's acted better since (for a couple of years) like I can't really drag it up. We have young DC's, and at the time they were so small, I actually had stopped caring when he was doing it (like you) but was focused on not wanting to upheave the home, the young children etc. The things. I wish I'd looked at the relationship and assessed that. The rest would have followed. Still, we're all wise in hindsight. Maybe you could set boundaries now - deal breakers - phone needs to be left lying around, snarky personal comments need to stop, and some things to improve your relationship like doing activities together? Set a timescale of a few months and if things don't change end it? If his heart is in it he'll keep it up, if he can't do those things then does that tell you all you need to know? Also if you start seeing that time scale like a release date, that probably also tells you all you need to know. But buys you your three month notice period at work? (To be really sneaky about it...)

There's no trust in this relationship and from what you say he doesn't deserve your trust. I'd be thinking of ending it.

Gaslighting is when someone tries to make out that you're being irrational or mean when you're actually reacting to material facts.

It comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which the wicked husband deliberately tries to convince his wife that she's going mad.

Unfaithful spouses often try to convince their partners that their suspicions are crazy. It's part of what the wise women here call The Script.

He's vile, what do you see in him that outweighs the abundant red flags he's waving?

Gaslighting.
Don't discuss anything any more. Leave. Be happy. He is a total tosser that has a whole life that you know bugger all about and for this alone you need to separate.

A sad story. Get rid. People don't change.

You've already wasted 6 years of your life with this twat that you don't trust, why waste another minute?!

Never really got the whole his and her phone issue with a couple who are together. OK you may have some different contacts but surely it shouldn't be such a big issue. If in a hurry to go somewhere why would it matter which phone you had as long as you had a phone? Personal texts? Why would you have texts you wouldn't want your partner to see.

*BigFatLiar

Never really got the whole his and her phone issue with a couple who are together. OK you may have some different contacts but surely it shouldn't be such a big issue. If in a hurry to go somewhere why would it matter which phone you had as long as you had a phone? Personal texts? Why would you have texts you wouldn't want your partner to see
I'm not with you on this.
My phone has my podcasts on and I can just carry on where I left off, it has my spotify lists on and my music taste is very different to Dps.
My apps are hugely different.
My fitness pal is set up for meas is Samsung health. my face book page is on my phone. I have maps off different areas set up and the radio stations I like. Our contact are very different.
So while I don't mind DP answering or using my phone I would be pretty pissed off if it was seen as ' our ' phone.

I don’t understand what indiscrepancies you are talking about? That you took his phone?

My dh has twice left for work with our youngest dc’s car seat in his car, making me have to cancel important appointments while I waited for him to drive home with it. I was annoyed (because he has form for forgetting things he needs to do like this!), but never so annoyed I slept on the sofa.

This doesn’t sound like a relationship worth salvaging tbh.

Notacooldad

I'm not with you on this.
My phone has my podcasts on and I can just carry on where I left off, it has my spotify lists on and my music taste is very different to Dps.
My apps are hugely different.
My fitness pal is set up for meas is Samsung health. my face book page is on my phone. I have maps off different areas set up and the radio stations I like. Our contact are very different.
So while I don't mind DP answering or using my phone I would be pretty pissed off if it was seen as ' our ' phone.

Perhaps its simply because we have different views on phones. For me its a phone, maybe a camera as well, but no great list of apps. Its used for making calls and occasional texts and thats about it.

BigFatLiar
I guess!
All my emails, concert tickets, train tickets gym classes a, boarding passes are on apps on my phone. My YouTube channels, work resources that I like to use and so on. And as Dp says about me, I can even make phone calls on it!!

The smart phone became a game changer in life planning for me!!

This sounds toxic and far more hard work than a relationship should be