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Original poster

Would this behaviour concern you?

45 replies

CrumpetWithMarg · 26/04/2019 11:31

Hello all!

My DP (6 years together, living together just as long!) has always been super guarded over his phone/computer. In the first three minths we were together, as a result of this, I snooped, and was glad I did as he was still talking inappropriately to several exes, despite me moving in with him (we lived a long distance apart so decided all or nothing).

This all came out and I admitted it to him, but said I was glad I knew the situation. He said things changed and though I didn't totally believe him, we stuck together.

He has since lied about going to meet one ex, and made out I was out of order when I said I would rather he didn't meet up with someone he'd had a sexual fling with. I had decided to get over this and trust he is where he says he is, even if my gut doesn't really believe it.

Anyway.. roll on the following 6 years.. Huge ups and downs, bags packed, the works, several times, but always talked out of leaving. Still as guarded over his phone and computer, accuses me of looking at them (which I genuinely haven't done since). Yesterday I went to the gym, straight there from home, chucked my phone into my bag and left, 20 minutes later he;s banging on the door while I'm waiting for my PT session, says I've got his phone. I'm certain I don't but go up to the lockers, and sure enough, both our phones are in my bag. We have the dame phones in identical cases. I take it straight down and hand it over, end of.

Until I got home, then all hell broke loose - I'm snooping, I took his phone on purpose to look through (Touch ID and no idea of his passcode so impossible), looking for messages/calls etc. The thing is, this far down the line, and with the way I feel now, I couldn't care less (I know, that's a bad sign in itself!).

I said to him I really didn't 'take' it. I genuinely do not recall putting two phones in my bag, so in actual fact I think he may have put it there as an excuse to check I was at the gym (go 5 times a week and he doesn't like it, despite telling me I need to). Either that, or I really did manage to pick up both phones and he has got something to hide and I'm going mad. It was so bad he slept in the living room last night, and I didn't realise until I woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn't there, then told me to stop sulking this morning!

What are your opinions? I don't know how to approach this? I know i cocked up when we first got together and that snooping isn't good, but I am glad I did and knew where I stood!

I have to move on from his (far more recent) in-discrepancies, but not him from mine?

OP posts:
MiniMaxi · 26/04/2019 16:25

Christ alive. It's not worth it OP. LTB!

Original poster
CrumpetWithMarg · 29/04/2019 10:11

Thanks everyone.

Friday I was told to stop sulking (I was quiet, as the whole thing left me with not much to say to him!). The weekend went well and he didn't mention it at all, started saying how we were in a great place etc.. I'm totally lost.

I have nothing to hide on my phone, I'm not bothered if he picks it up/uses it/ answers it at all. He doesn't like me moving his to clean it even. I wouldn't consider it 'our' phone though, as it has things personal to me on, as does his. But nothing secret.

I just feel like he is hiding something massive, and I am beginning to hate him for it. Why be so precious if there's nothing to hide? But if I say that he'll say it's my fault he doesn't trust me around his phone as I snooped in the first few months. He was hiding things then, too!!

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 29/04/2019 10:31

Good luck. It's so hard. What you describe at the end was the very reason I never raised it a few years ago, as it would turn into an argument about me looking at his phone. His behaviour was identical at the time around his.

Interestingly in our recent talks, now I am not so timid about the whole thing, I pointed out that it was his behaviour back then and that breach that made me snoop and find more! And that is the legacy I would potentially carry with me if I were in a different relationship, he made it so as long as we're together suck it up princess. Though I never look at it now. BECAUSE he is no longer precious about it. And a couple of years on since his EA he finally accepts his behaviour was unacceptable and how it would make me feel. I think at the time he was so busy trying to justify to himself that he wasn't doing anything wrong that he couldn't see it and projected that to it being my issue over his phone. Which I suspect is what your DP is doing. I hope you find a way to move forward.

nakedscientist · 29/04/2019 17:27

OP
You don't have to have any 'watertight' evidence to leave him. ' I am not happy' is plenty.

Good luck

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 29/04/2019 19:18

OP I can’t believe he drove all the way to the gym to get his phone back! He must have been terrified you were going to see something he really didn’t want you to see.... he must have felt like a right twat when he turned up, and found that you weren’t looking through his phone, but doing your gym stuff (like you said you would be).

He’s projecting isn’t he? Accusing you of snooping and wondering what you’re up to at the gym. I think he’s hiding something, but easier to make you think you’ve done something wrong. Then going in a huff about this?? Very strange. Maybe he needed time to go through his phone deleting stuff so did that when you were in bed?

Potterurotter · 29/04/2019 19:20

Get rid, don’t even talk about leaving just do it. Maybe don’t even tell him just go.

Happynow001 · 29/04/2019 19:39

Sometimes it's better to be alone and content than to be in a "relationship" with someone who is not trustworthy or caring.

What are you getting from being with this person OP? Perhaps it's time to evaluate your life and see whether you would better without him in it.

Take a quiet look at the steps you would need to make to free yourself from him.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/04/2019 20:09

this is the behaviour of an unstable man with far too many secrets to breathe easy when his phone is out of sight... Hmm

Original poster
CrumpetWithMarg · 01/05/2019 12:34

Ok, he's definitely projecting..

We DTD yesterday, and afterwards, he told me my ladybits smelt of 'rubber', implying there'd been a condom near it (we don't use them). I just looked at him and said "no they don't" and got up.

should I look for proof or just get myself prepared to leave?

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 01/05/2019 13:28

I always tell myself not to answer posts like these because I find it so frustrating to hear these stories. But for fucks sake why are you with him? How does he improve your life? What is the point?

Original poster
CrumpetWithMarg · 01/05/2019 13:37

@Lllot5, I used to think I had the answers to those questions... Sad

OP posts:
CharlotteCB1988 · 01/05/2019 13:44

Nobody should be looking at each other's phones and if you do and you find something...you must kind of expect to? What else would you be looking through it for? That aside, if he's getting that defensive and angry about it that quickly, it's probably reflective behaviour. He's probably checking your phone regularly AND he's probably hiding something and getting angry at you to make you feel like the psycho. Speaking from experience lol.
You don't seem happy and if you're rowing to the point you're packing bags, the relationship isn't working. A healthy relationship wouldn't have arguments like this and such lack of trust.

RavenLG · 01/05/2019 14:16

I was in this exact situation several years ago. Honestly, it doesn't get better so just leave.
Ex was always SUPER secretive with his phone, computer etc. We used MSN a lot and he was always appearing offline when he was online, would freak out if I ever glanced at his phone or computer. I always had an underlying suspicion after he visited a 'friend' in america in the first month or so of us seeing each other. After snooping I learned he had infect slept with her while out there and was messaging lots of other women. We split up but would do the run around of getting back together and feeling exactly the same. I ended up getting pregnant and having a termination. He came back to my flat with my laptop, but left for a few hours to take his flatmate to the airport. He left his laptop so I had a good snoop, he had been messaging this girl, also his ex calling me a psycho, trapped him, etc. It still went on for months and months until I just couldn't take it anymore. It was ALWAYS put back on me that I was in the wrong for invading his privacy, but I ALWAYS was justified and found something. At the end of the day it was him, he was really disrespecting me and unfaithful and I was right not to trust him.
Now, with DP I had those feelings at the start of the relationship after being burned so much, but honestly I feel no need to check his phone as I know there is nothing there and he's different and trustworthy. I do think when you know you know and if you're asking you know there is trouble. Save yourself the heartache and frustration and LTB now. Future you will thank you!

RavenLG · 01/05/2019 14:23

We DTD yesterday, and afterwards, he told me my ladybits smelt of 'rubber', implying there'd been a condom near it (we don't use them). I just looked at him and said "no they don't" and got up.

should I look for proof or just get myself prepared to leave?

He is accusing you of cheating, why do you need any proof of anything? He is treating you like shit. Do you not want more from a relationship, do you not want to be happy?

AhNowTed · 01/05/2019 15:13

The well worn diversion tactic of accusing you. How very predictable.

Pigsinduvets · 01/05/2019 16:26

Just leave. What a horrible man.

flameycakes · 01/05/2019 16:41

He is treating you like a right muppet, have some sense and stop wasting your life on the idiot, because one day soon you will look back and have nothing but empty years and lies x

loubieloulou · 01/05/2019 19:28

You want my honest opinion?

You must need some kind of therapy to be allowing him to treat you like you've written.

Instead of wasting precious time trying to 'figure' him out I suggest you go & get said therapy so that you can raise your bar higher regarding men.

Seriously get some self respect... the right relationships really shouldn't be this difficult.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 01/05/2019 19:33

He sounds bloody awful, and is obviously projecting. Why can't you just leave?

Figure8 · 01/05/2019 19:50

Please stop saying that you messed up by checking his computer. There WAS something to find.

Maybe turn that contrition into kindness for yourself

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