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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So confused with his hot and cold behaviour

74 replies

Zizzi898 · 26/04/2019 07:28

Met someone a few months ago & it’s been a bit on and off (long distance) but recently things have progressed and he spent a few days with me last week.

When he was with me he was soooo nice and we had a great time. Just really really relaxed and chilled out

When he went he txt me saying he really enjoyed my company and the day after was telling me he felt at peace with me he’d also proceeded to tell his dad and friends about ‘us’

However...since weds I have seen a totally different side to him! I’ve seen him act in ways I’ve never seen him act like before. I said something to him on weds and he kept copying what I was saying and then sending me really nasty voice notes. I called him and asked him what his problem is and he shouted at me for calling him on no caller Id (when he was with me he wanted to call someone his battery went flat so I said use my phone and changed my settings and must have forgot to put it back) he got really really angry and was like next time call me with ur number on. He also misunderstood what I’d said to him so he apologised and told me to not go on about it again

Because I was a bit shocked how he acted I did bring it up later saying oh I can’t believe you acted like that and he started twisting things and bringing up things I’d done to him which had no relevance to the convo

Then yesterday he started arguing with me as I mentioned I txt my ex about something. After a while he calmed down and he called me for ages and we had a nice convo but on the convo he mentioned that he had been ‘enquiring’ about me in my area! This caught me off guard a bit So I wanted to know who he’d asked and what he had said but he said he will call me back later he got busy

Anyway ... he was then texting me so I messaged him saying can u call me back urgently

When he called back he was like what’s up? I asked him who he asked and what they said and he went bezerk saying my cars broken down and is this is all u can go on about I already told u who told me why you going on about it etc etc he then said talk to me when your behaviour improves (he was the one shouting) and he was being quite nasty

Anyway I called him later saying I didn’t know ur car broke down as u had been messaging me so how was I to know? And he started saying I have lots of drama and I’m too emotional . When he calmed down he was nice again

I’m really confused Tbh. He lives far (3 1/2 hours ) and makes the effort to see me and was the nicest guy when we were together but I don’t know where this side of him has randomly come out from

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 26/04/2019 16:03

Don't say you're right, that's all he will read. Just tell him you've had enough and think it's time to call it a day.

Surfingtheweb · 26/04/2019 16:07

Do you really need to ask on here? Seriously the bloke sounds like a complete arsehole. Tell him to sod off & block him.

Motheroffeminists · 26/04/2019 16:10

Seriously, wtf, it's like you're enjoying the drama and attention. Just end it. Or don't, but his behaviour and abuse will escalate 🤷🏼‍♀️

BumbleBeee69 · 26/04/2019 16:11

Stop feeding this clowns ego, tell him to Get to Fuck now. You deserve way better lady and you will find it. Flowers

Original poster
Zizzi898 · 26/04/2019 16:13

I’m not enjoying the drama but I can sense that he is going to kick off which is why I thought I would make him feel like he initiated the ‘break up’

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/04/2019 16:14

(he seems like the type to not stop at a kiss and has told me he doesn’t like protection

he came on top of me and starting kissing me but in quite an aggressive way. I did tell him to stop and that I didn’t want to and that he was hurting me (he was on me and pressing on me really hard) but he kept saying ohhh don’t play hard to get u know u want to

telling me he wanted to marry me and that he will move to my city to be wth me

All these things should have been a raging red flag to you. You need to be especially careful when you have children with such unhinged ppl.

It was none of his business about your Ex facetiming the kids.

I'd send a message saying, it's not working..but best of luck for the future. Then block.

He sounds like a lunatic.

Original poster
Zizzi898 · 26/04/2019 16:15

Teaforthewin- that’s exactly what he would do. When we met on Saturday it was for a day out but then early eve he kept saying oh I’m sooo tired I can’t drive back etc and then I said he could stay over

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 26/04/2019 16:22

Lol why am I not surprised. All these nutters have the same lines.

I wouldn't bother trying to make it seem like he has initiated the break up, what't that saying... 'you can't shit a shitter' ...ok I may have made that up xD

But his kind thrive on manipulating you, he is a cat playing with a mouse, he might act like he intends to let you go (hot and cold), but he doesn't, it's just part of the game to play with your emotions and to test you. You have to get shot of him and run for the hills and hide (and bloody pray xD) until he goes away.

Motheroffeminists · 26/04/2019 16:30

Why let him have the control though? You are playing his game. Take control. He won't be used to anyone doing that. Show him that he has no control over you. Block. Delete. Be done and enjoy your weekend fuckwit free.

TowelNumber42 · 26/04/2019 17:12

Trying to manage a nutter's moods is a waste of time.

Big girl pants on. Deep breath. Dump him.

Anyway, so what if he kicks off? If you have him blocked you'll not even know. If he turns up you don't answer the door, if he is threatening you call the police. With all those psycho exes I am sure the police already know him.

You are remarkably open to abuse and to thinking you can manage the crazy. Did you grow up in household with angry or addicted parents? You sound rather like the child of an alcoholic

Original poster
Zizzi898 · 26/04/2019 17:16

Yes true I shouldn’t let him have control. I will message him later & end things.

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 26/04/2019 17:19

Perhaps she is just young? Also, narcissists ca really get under your skin pretty fast. Especially if your self esteem isn't the highest and they hit you with their charm. Or it could even be that he is really hunky or there is immense chemistry (common with these sorts too). You don't have to have co-dependency issues or have had a bad childhood to be hoodwinked by his sort.

As long as OP realises now that any good times or 'good side' to him was a lie, a mask, an act to draw her in. The crazy he is showing now is the real him and who he will remain. Sometimes it just takes other people to point it out so that we can go 'ah...wait a minute, I've been being silly'. Anyone can be fooled by a baddy from time to time. What matters is waking up to it and getting away safely.

Jaxinthebox · 26/04/2019 17:33

Just message him, then block him on everything. You cannot change this person, you will end up seriously damaged if you stay any longer.

Its textbook bollocks from him. GET OUT NOW!

Original poster
Zizzi898 · 26/04/2019 18:12

I’ve messaged him

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/04/2019 18:34

What did you say?

He sounds really awful. There were so many red flags, but his sexual behaviour was really worrying.

NoCauseRebel · 26/04/2019 18:39

Jesus Christ. You’ve had what, a couple of dates with this bloke and you’ve spent a whole day wondering whether or not you should end it; agonising over ending it; being afraid he’ll escalate etc etc etc. It does sound as if you’re loving the drama of it all. Anyone can see that this behaviour is out of the ordinary and that the man is an absolute fuckwhit. You live 3.5 hours apart so it’s not as if you’re living together or anything like that.

Glad you’ve messaged him now but FGS go and do the freedom programme or have some therapy or something before you even think about dating again. Because this lack of recognition is just not normal. Not so early on.

Original poster
Zizzi898 · 26/04/2019 18:49

I text him saying I don’t think we are compatible and he txt back saying ok good luck

The thing is I don’t think it was lack of recognition but I always only seem to meet psychos but he seems to be the worst

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 26/04/2019 18:54

Yeah you've had a lucky escape. Some of us just attract them. With time we get better at spotting them. And if you're ever wondering if it's 'actually you' - it isn't. Always trust your gut. There just happens to be a lot of them around, unfortunately.

BigButtons · 26/04/2019 19:24

Well done. I hope he leaves you alone.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/04/2019 19:48

Well done OP, have a wonderful relaxing weekend Flowers

PlatypusLeague · 26/04/2019 20:58

Well done OP 💐

Offallycheap · 27/04/2019 00:25

Phew. Please do look at the Freedom program.

dangerrabbit · 27/04/2019 07:44

Well done. Now block on everything before he tries to suck you back in.

LizzieSiddal · 27/04/2019 07:57

Good for you Flowers

Like tigers have said look at The Freedom Program. It’s very important you have good boundaries in place, not just for yourself but also because you have children to consider.

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