Husband searching for escorts

[Desmond1993]

I just want to start this with saying I have no issues with my partner watching porn. Does upset me abit when he specifically types in for categories that don’t relate to me ‘slim’ ‘skinny’ ‘ebony’ as it makes me feel like he wants something else. He’s been watching a lot of porn recently. But porn I can deal with.
I had a look at our iPad (which we share) history and there was a website called adult work on there. It’s a website for escorts and you can look in your area for escorts who are close.
We live in a small area and he searches for escorts in our actual area. Not ones miles away which would be hard for him to meet with.
He has a snoop at their pictures and on he goes to the next profile. There’s numerous escorts he’s been looking at in our area.
We have a daughter and son both under 3 years old and have been together for 4 years, I moved miles away from any friends or family 4 years ago to be with him.
He says he loves me, doesn’t really show it with attention though but I just put that down to a long day at work.
The only time he does give me attention is when he wants sex. Which to be fair we do have a few times a week.

My question is would you be angry/upset at this?
Would you confront him?
What do I do?

Personally I’m devastated and want to confront him when he gets back from work but I just don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.
Any help will be appreciated.

Would just like to add me and the kids are going up north to see family next month for 5 days and he couldn’t get the time off work to come. I’m now super worried he will meet up with an escort while we are away.

Thank you. He will be home in about 40 minutes. I think I’m going to confront him.

Yeh i definitely would! It's not something you could ignore and move past with out knowing why he has done it

He doesn’t sound much of a partner anyway from what you’ve written

“He says he loves me, doesn’t really show it with attention though but I just put that down to a long day at work.
The only time he does give me attention is when he wants sex.”

Hello mumof2 I just wanted to say, take things at your own pace. I've stayed with my partner 2 yrs after discovering he was using escorts, yes it's been horrible but I needed time - now I'm separating from him and it feels good. You end it when it suits you and if you're not used to managing by yourself you might need to work on this first and get stronger, for your kids' sake too. People talk as though living with an idiot is the worst thing ever but that may not be the case

He’s will be home in 15 mins. I’m shaking and feel like I’m going to be sick

@mumof2under3 you can do this. You are strong and you will prove that to yourself

Thinking of you. Make a stand with your self-respect.

I showed him what I found straight away and asked him why. I remember the first time he blew up completely, accused me of invading his privacy, abused his trust then sat in silence for about a day. In hindsight that was probably the time it took for him to concoct the bullshit story!

I was angry, hurt and upset. Half of me really wanted to believe him (and for a while I did).
OP if you have access to his Google account and want closure, although I'll probably get flamed for advising this, please try and look on it.
Go on "my activity" - it will show you history he may of deleted.
Then go onto Google maps and look at his timeline ( you can chose certains dates you may of had suspicions) - to see if he's been where he says he has.

This was what gave me the strength and proof to leave. But please don't let it get that far as it's mentally draining.

**that far meaning staying for as long as I did. Sorry didn't type that very well!

Did you tackle him?

ALovingSpirit pull the other one.

This guy watches an obscene amount of porn. The internet is literally full of naked women in the most graphic situations possible, and also of pictures of naked women / women in lingerie if that’s what he wants.

Why does he need to become a member or a sex work website and search for escorts in this area just to “look at the menu”? Bollocks.

If my DH were looking at menus of Michelin star restaurants around the world I’d assume he was just fantasising about eating there.

If he were obsessively looking at the menu of every pub, restaurant and greasy spoon in town I’d assume he was hungry and was looking for somewhere to eat...

OP, you know the deal, as hard as it is to acknowledge. He is vile. And you need to stop being okay with excessive porn use - take it from someone who knows, that only leads to unhealthy places.

How did it go?

Hope it went ok OP

Went pretty shitty.
Basically he came home and realised I was in abit of a mood as I hadn’t been texting him much through the day so just tried to say the kids were difficult and I was tired.
He just kept saying what have I done wrong this time I know this will end up in a argument so just tell me.
I asked for his phone and he gave it to me. Search history was full of porn. I showed him the iPad search history and he said yeah I was looking for ‘a girls name who lives in the area who is apparently an escort’ so I clicked on all the profiles in front of him and said ‘does that look like her’ ‘what about this girl, does she look like her’ he said no to all 15 of them so I asked why he went into their galleries and looked at Moreno pictures of them if it wasn’t the girl he knows about. He just said he was curious about who is an escort in the area.
I was fully having a breakdown and he done his normal oh I fucked up, I’m sorry, I’ll never cheat on you, your perfect and what not.
I told him even IF he was looking for said girl why all the porn? Why the Google’s ‘celebrity boobs’
He then tried to turn it around to how he’s self conscious so looks at this stuff or he’s worried about me loving him so watches porn and admitted he ‘deals with himself’ while I’m in the bath.
I told him how I’m planning on moving up north around family and just trying to figure out how in my head and he said he will move out and give me any money I need so he can see the kids.
I was having a panic attack and he done everything he could to try and keep me calm to obviously get in my good books.
He slept downstairs last night.
Gave me his phone, he’s at work.
I don’t know what to do now.

Sorry if that update was super long or made no sense, I got about an hours sleep last night.

How do you feel about what he said OP? He pretty much stuck to the script you predicted didn't he, no surprises there. Regardless of his 'reasons' I would struggle to stay with someone who thought porn and searching for escorts was an appropriate response to being self conscious or worried about whether you love him, I don't understand why he sees those things as any kind of justification for what he's done

OP everything you've said is the same bullshit I was fed, almost word for word.
Please please please coming from a randomer on mumsnet do not fall for this. It's nothing to do with his insecurities, or girls in the area or anything he may come up with as an excuse it is him being a sleazy such and such!! He may stop for abit, to "prove himself" but slowly as you let your guard down he will and I can put my life on it, he will do it again.
For your own wellbeing and mental health dont fall into the trap x

See everyone is really quick to hang him as an escort cheating scumbag, but honestly I found my husband looking for local escorts on his phone (sitting along from me on the couch) and their was bizarrely a totally mundane reason - he'd heard through local gossip that one of his employees was moonlighting as an escort on the side, and out of nosiness him and one of his colleagues were 'googling' to see if they could find her (he showed me their group chat etc.)
Granted, not exemplary boy-scout material, but he wasn't looking to employ their services, just cruising to see if anyone he knew had taken a career change! Men do daft things sometimes without thinking how they'd look to us, so while there's a chance it's dodgy behaviour I'd need much more to go on before dropping the axe

I would leave him for this, feeling angry would be an understatement. I know it's not that easy IRL of course, only you know the ins and outs of your lives, but it screams of a huge lack of respect.

Not even a halfway decent excuse then just bluster and placatory cliches

You can do so much better.

The “Looking to check if it is true that some girl he knows is an escort locally” is such a tried and tested and totally cliched excuse for perusing escort pages. Please don’t ever believe that old chestnut.

I hope you are ok, @mumof2under3. Sounds as though your dh came out with almost exactly the excuse you expected. One thing- I think in order to look at private galleries on AW you need to be a member, which changes things rather a lot.

Could be simple curiosity - such pages can pop up when links to internet porn are accessed. Like topless chat sites (?!?).

Don't assume the worst, but confront DP and fire a shot over his bow.