Husband searching for escorts

[Desmond1993]

I just want to start this with saying I have no issues with my partner watching porn. Does upset me abit when he specifically types in for categories that don’t relate to me ‘slim’ ‘skinny’ ‘ebony’ as it makes me feel like he wants something else. He’s been watching a lot of porn recently. But porn I can deal with.
I had a look at our iPad (which we share) history and there was a website called adult work on there. It’s a website for escorts and you can look in your area for escorts who are close.
We live in a small area and he searches for escorts in our actual area. Not ones miles away which would be hard for him to meet with.
He has a snoop at their pictures and on he goes to the next profile. There’s numerous escorts he’s been looking at in our area.
We have a daughter and son both under 3 years old and have been together for 4 years, I moved miles away from any friends or family 4 years ago to be with him.
He says he loves me, doesn’t really show it with attention though but I just put that down to a long day at work.
The only time he does give me attention is when he wants sex. Which to be fair we do have a few times a week.

My question is would you be angry/upset at this?
Would you confront him?
What do I do?

Personally I’m devastated and want to confront him when he gets back from work but I just don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.
Any help will be appreciated.

Would just like to add me and the kids are going up north to see family next month for 5 days and he couldn’t get the time off work to come. I’m now super worried he will meet up with an escort while we are away.

Can you go to bed 'ill' tonight ? Whilst you decide what to do ?

He can still parent the kids if you are not together. I don’t think many women could stay with a man who books escorts it kind of defines unreasonable behaviour

I actually find it quite sad that someone has to say ‘I have no problem with porn’ , I do have a problem with very frequent use of it because in far too many cases on here it seems that it often leads on to this kind of crap or webcams, particularly with men. I appreciate that’s not always the case but seems to be often the case amongst those who aren’t just ‘very occasional users’ and there is usually some poor partner there saying ‘I don’t have an issue with porn’. OP, bin him, if it’s gone that far, then he has lost any kindness or respect for you, however try and time it so it suits you and you have arrangements in place, very hard I know.

He sounds horrible, constant porn use and now looking to buy women online while you look after his kids. You can do much better than this man

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep calm when he comes home. I want to scream and shout at him the minute he steps foot in the house then kick him out.
I know I can’t stay with him and frankly don’t want to anymore. We’ve had issues before with him watching too much porn but I just learnt to deal with it after asking him not to do it.
Even then he would just delete search histories but he’s obviously become sloppy with that lately.
I’m 99% sure he hasn’t yet met with an escort but I’m pretty sure he’s planning on it.
I love my home and where we live now and wouldn’t be comfortable with going back to my parents. I need to figure out how to get him out which I think will be easy but then figure out how I’m going to deal with everything else that he helps with without having a breakdown every day.
He’s very persuading and just know he will try and worm himself back in and know on bad days I’ll be more tempted to let him back to help me out abit.
I don’t want to come across as someone who gets all the help in the world and can’t be bothered to do it myself but my anxiety has made me unable to leave the house alone since having children. I’ve NEVER been out alone in 3 years.
There’s just so much going through my head like ‘how am I going to do the food shop’ I struggle with that even with help from someone
‘How do I have a bath when the kids are sleeping’ I’ve never had a bath without someone else in the house incase the kids need me.
I just wish I was more stable when he decided to fuck up.

You will get through this. I'm sure his behaviour probably hasn't helped your anxiety. Maybe this is the start of a new time for you.

Yes, it would be very difficult for me to pretend that everything is hunky-dory. And I wouldn’t even try.

He needs a sharp shock. I would get angry and come down hard on him now. Make him leave for a while as a consequence for looking for illicit sex. In doing so, he was making a fool of you and treating you with contempt.

If he tries to minimize (I was bored so I looked, I would never really cheat, etc), tell him that he has crossed your line and you are not prepared to stay with a man who looks for escorts. Don’t allow him to shift blame to you by calling you crazy, unreasonable, silly, etc. Just repeat that he has betrayed you by searching for sex.

You also need to realize that he can find time to cheat. Lunchtime, taking time off, leaving early, etc.

Do you think he really couldn’t get off to go on the trip?

You don't have to go out to do the food shop.
You can order on-line and have it delivered.
And it's now time to tackle some of this.
Very small steps will help.
Tomorrow - put your shoes on and open the front door.
Run a very low bath but don't get in
The next day - do the same but step outside the front door.
Run a deeper bath and step into it.
The next day - do the same but take 2 steps, etc........
Run a bath - step in - sit down, etc.....
I will all take time so do it in small steps.
Reward yourself every time to achieve something.
You are far stronger than you think.
Try some mindfulness as well. That may help you.

I recognise a lot of the things you're worried about OP, the not going out, baths with DC asleep etc, I have been (and sometimes still am) in the same boat. I have a DH but, in the last couple of years, he's started needing to work away so I've had to find ways round things when he's not here. It was hard at first but I found it did make a difference that I had no choice, it sounds flippant but it was like I found my anxiety easier to manage because I knew if I didn't sort shopping (for eg) then my DC wouldn't get fed, the need to care for them overruled my anxiety.

I have bad patches (online shopping is a godsend!) but I've adapted, even with significant MH issues. It's scary but I think you might surprise yourself, I also can't help but wonder if your anxiety might improve dramatically without him to worry about, I wouldn't be surprised.

You have lots to think about but you can do that in your own time, there's no rush. How do you think you're going to play it when he comes home?

I really wouldn't be surprised if he is actually the cause of your serious anxiety. You might find if and when you leave that this improves.

I'm housebound with OCD so I totally get the anxiety side.

Happy to help you find solutions to things if you like?

I get everything delivered online, dd is an adult now but I had bouts of illness when she was younger, there IS help out there.

People fear ss but they can be amazingly helpful and put you in touch with organisations that can help.

Local to me is a small charity where older parents/grandparents help younger parents with various things from grocery shopping to housework to gardening or handyman tasks to watching the kids while mum attends medical appointments etc.

Check your local council website and Facebook pages you may well find there's something like that where you live. I have friends and family all over the country and some have accessed things like this and some volunteer with similar organisations.

The volunteers love it and love getting to know "their" families and do not judge the circumstances at all.

You could even speak to your health visitor or sometimes the local library has info on their website.

Not only do I believe you CAN do this I think you will find it empowering and will help your mental health. You will be so proud of yourself.

He simply hasn’t had the time to yet I think.

Someone who wants to cheat will find the time.

I hear this line of he/she doesn't have the time...comes straight home.

You do know a cheater can take annual leave ..either a full or half day. He could use his lunchtime too.

The man who found his wife was having an affair was dumbfounded. He used to drop her to work and pick her up every day.
Except some days she walked in the building and waited till her OM came to pick her up. Then he dropped her back in time for her DH to pick her up like the dutiful loving wife.

The length a cheater can go to, to have an extra marital affair knows no bound, believe me.

Why don't you say you've not been feeling so well and you might not go and see your mum after all, as you need to see your GP and you couldn't get an immediate appointment.

I bet he'll be seething if he thinks you're not going.

Not that I'm saying getting no or very little intimacy is an excuse, but you have an active sex life and he's lining up a prostitute... it doesn't bode well for the future.

Have you ever discussed cheating being a dealbreaker? I remember telling my DH before we got married, that if he cheated I wouldn't even wait around for an explanation, as the marriage would be over.

This is an unpopular opinion but I’ll share it anyway:

Not everyone who reads a restaurant’s menu eats in that restaurant
Not everyone who browses a car show room buys a car
Not everyone who waits at a bus stop catches a bus

Let’s not excuse the behaviour but I wouldn’t leap to the assumption he has had sex with an escort. Practically speaking why would you do that near by, when the chance of bumping into the worker in the future is so much higher (possibly with family in tow) ?

Don’t want to take away from the foaming at the mouth, hang ‘em and flog ‘em brigade but let’s be clear what the actual evidence there currently is. Certainly requires more investigation though.

But ALovingSpirit, looking at a car in a showroom does show you're intending to buy a car at some point, looking in a restaurant shows you want to eat in a restaurant even if it's not that particular one. He's clearly intending to do it.
And do you really believe that the woman would just start a convo about him paying her for sex in the street, she most likely ignores these men.

Thanks for all the advice ladies. I’m still not 100% sure on what I’m going to do but I just know he will come up with the excuses of ‘just wanted to see if I knew anyone on there’ ‘was just curious’ ‘I wasn’t going to do it’
What do I say back to them?

SandyY2K He 100% knows cheating is a deal breaker and numerous times says ‘your the only person I need’ ‘I’d ever cheat on you, I love you’
‘I don’t need anyone else’

ALovingSpirit I can see where your coming from. At first I just thought oh he would never be so stupid to do that or have enough guts to do that but right now I’m just fumming that he’s even looking at options like they even if he isn’t going to do it.
If he wants to get his kicks online just look at porn or pictures of random pornstars. Not real women who live near us.

ALovingSpirit

But looking up escorts is akin I'd say to looking at buying a car from a thief compared to if he were eyeing up celebs or even on a dating site being akin to looking in regular car showrooms.

It's not just the cheating aspect, it's that he considers it acceptable that women and girls are trafficked and pimped

THAT is what would make me vomit if any man I was with even LOOKED on such a site.

The vast majority of sex workers are coerced if not outright bullied and beaten into doing it!

He shouldn't need to say those things tho. I don't need to go round telling my bf I won't cheat on him, why would I?

ExDP did this, started with porn, then to looking at escorts in the local area. Apparently his mate had suspicions his partner was advertising and all the lads were "trying to catch her out"
This carried on for nearly a year.
Then I clicked on it was a crock of shit, it still hurts me to this day and I've been with my new partner (now DH) for 4 years!
OP you need to leave, don't waste your time.

Him: I wasn’t really going to do it.
You: You crossed the line and betrayed me by looking for local, available sex workers. That indicates intent to cheat. I don’t trust you now. Leave...

Him: I was curious. I was looking to see if I knew anyone on there.
You: I don’t believe you. You were looking for local prostitutes who would be available for sex with you. I don’t trust you now. Leave...

Could it have been a pop up advert from a porn site? It comes up your location in the pop up and maybe he has just scrolled through not looking to hire one? Pop ups come up all the time i know I'll be in the minority here but perhaps it is innocent? I would be upset and ask about it tho obviously

Cherylshaw I wish it was. The search history was googling adultwork.com
Then the next link was the search on their site where he obviously typed our town.
Then about 10 different escorts pages all from our area.
I’ve done a lot of research on the site and you litterally have to tick escort and type in your town and go on their profiles. On 4-5 of them he looked at their private galleries too.

MissPollyHadADolly19 How did you go about confronting him about it?

@mumof2under3
Aw that's shit was just hoping for the best scenario for you