How to stop feeling so angry and resentful.

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

Full on rant here - feel free to grab a cup of tea.

So - our house is being reposessed on 14th August. GH has had 3 unsuccessful fuck ups of business ideas. We also lost 2 other propert6ies and 3 cars, in fact I sold my clapped out runaround on Ebay yesterday as we are desperate for money. I also did a bootfair and earned £85 yesterday.

DH now has good employed job that we get paid for 1st month at end of the month.

It is our 9 year anniversary next week and my anger is just swirling like a red bile in my chest.

I have been sniping at him for about 6 months now (we also have a 12yr, 8yr and 9month old). Every idea I make he ignores and wanders off like a toddler on a motorway.

He thinks its ok for the kids to go to bed at 10, for ds to not brush his teeth at night if he is too tired.

The final straw has just happened - in our rented house the drains have blocked (for 4th time in almost 2 months). As we have not paid rent this month ("Dont worry i will sort it") there is water all over the laundry room floor and manky water in the sink. We cant call landlady as owe her money, and Im buggered if I am going to spend our food money on getting a plumber.

He is now in a job where he is out of the house for 13 hours a day, then has dinner and goes to bed. His job recently involved a 2 day team building break at a 5 star hotel. everything he does is very "city like" from lunches to entertaining to....rahhh!!!!

I am left with the debt, the baby, the shit of living in a crap hole, I hate him so much.

he wants us to have a nice meal next week. i would rather stab him with a spoon.

Im so so resentful. i feel like he has just swanned off and got away scot free and I am literally left holding the baby living in a shitty house. i may as well be single.

This anger and resentment is building daily and i feel like I am going to burst.

Oh whats the fucking point.

Nobody gives a shit anyway. |Just needed a rant. sorry.

I think muppetgirls advice is perfect. You need t take control of the finances so you can be sure the rent gets paid etc.

My dh would never get into debt or not pay bills but he does have a tendency to spend money on things (expensive lunches etc) which mean I have to tighten the belt to compensate. This stresses me out and makes me feel like I can't spend any money.

We have just agreed that he will be in charge of our investments and I will be in charge of the monthly money. He has written down everything he spends in a week, as have I, and I am going to give us each a budget for each month. Don't know if it will work but I have to try!

..also, just wanted to say that dh was so relieved when I took over the money. He knew he was crap with it but felt he had to be perfect. He was so happy to have his spending money as he said 'I've never had any money before, knowing that all the bills have been paid, that I could spend on what I wanted without feeling guilty.'

Being so controlled actually gave us both a lot of freedom.

oK

This has been going on for about 3 years. each time he made a business decision I said try this way or what about this. He is a salesman and can charm anyone. even me.

I have reviewed and reviewed and sat down with planning etc etc.

Things should get better, but I know that they wont. I am just waiting for his next fuck up.

EVERYTHING he does irritates me now. the way he eats, farts, cooks, even his shopping is stupid (I gave him £50 to get this weeks shopping - he did not get nappies or any meat for dinners, but did get horseradish sauce, ketchup, apple pie....oh the fucking list goes on).

I have tried handling all of the paperwork - but there is MASSES of the stuff. My baby is teething, I cant run the water in the sink, I cant answer the phone, I have nobody to talk to. i feel swamped.

I have a PND councellorbut I only see her once a week for an hour...even she is pissed off with dh.

I dont think i can salvage it, but I dont have a clue how to get out of it. I just wish he would fuck off.

My dad hates him because he thinks he is a moron. My dad wants me to leave and live with him...i cant do that. The kids think he is great. Think Mrs Doubtfire without the cleaning and story reading.

Could you and the baby go and stay with your dad for a while. Just to get away from everything and get some rest. And perhaps leaving DH in charge would force him to take a bit more control.

BTW my kids think DH is great too. Even though he shouts a lot when forced to spend too much 'quality' time with them and does bugger all round the house. But I guess I'm pleased that is the case - it would be awful if they hated him.

I just typed an email telling him I want to leave.

In truth, i cant live at all like this anymore.

I am sorry to read that things are so awful with you.

Have you received any response to the e-mail?.

You are quite right - you have been responsible for others your whole life starting with your alcoholic mother and her husband (are they still together?).

I would not stay with your parents in such circumstances; it won't help you any and you will end up enabling again.

I think there could also be unresolved issues with your parents and you having to enable them; this pattern has continued into your adult life, you have found in your husband another that needs enabling. Counselling for your own self regarding these issues will be helpful.

Maybe moving in with your Dad is best all round then.

It's good that you have an 'option' (as opposed to 'stay or make yourself homeless').

Perhaps time apart will allow you to see and 'miss' the things you do like about him?

I do think getting a part time job will help you feel better about yourself.

I dont think that telling him by email is the best way to tell him though, personally.

oh love

you are depressed AND angry. Maybe it would be good if you DID go and stay with your Father for a while? until you felt a bit better and things had calmed down?

x posted with vvq

I am on a waiting list for counselling. Apparently i am too fragile for psycotherapy (as my step father was abusive too - arent I just the lucky one) and now I am on a waiting list for art therapy (wtf?)

I post on here too many times when I am low, I am imagining you all rolling your eyes and bored shitless.

Suicide seems so beautiful to me right now, its so alluring. Im beginning to resent my kids for making me stay.

art therapy is actually suppossed to be very good for depression! The cousnelling situation is awful though

A part time job with 3 kids, a fuckwit husband with barely enough to get him to work let alone chilcare for some spotty teenager to look after my baby.

What about adoption? Now theres an answer!

Or maybe I could shove a broom up my arse and sweep the fucking high street too.

I DONT ALREASDTY HAVE ENOUGH TO DOL

Im sorry I didnt mean to shout at anyone.

Thanks for your messages, Im off now. Im really sorry.

I figured your eldest two were at school, so you'd just have the 9 month old to 'get looked after' for a couple of hours a day.

It might help you to feel more like part of society again, more like a person and not 'just' a wife and mother.

Don't go, it won't help, we can support you here.

Your depressive voice is strong and you are angry to boot.

I am certainly not bored shitless and rolling my eyes. Nor I imagine is anyone else who has replied to you.

Who has assumed you are too fragile for pyschotherapy?.

www.bacp.co.uk is the website for the British Association for Counselling and Pyschotherapy. I would look into something like this this rather than languish on some list which is goodness knows how long. You need help now, rather than at some indeterminate point in the future.

Suicide is not the answer and that is not the way out for you. At heart I think you know that.

Why can't he leave?. You are making you stay, not your children.

I was referred with pnd (other issues in life, alchohlic mother, idiot dad etc) to the mental health team and then was assessed by them and have received psychological help since then. The apps are when I can make them and they come to the house. They are still seeing me through this next phase (I'm 24 weeks prgnt) until 6 months after.
The counselling didn;t help at all as I was only seeb every 2 weeks which once you've talked about things close to the bone you can;t be left to stew for 2 weeks.

Can your pnd counsellor push for more help? What about your doctor?
They realsied something really wasn't right when I told them I was having obsessional thoguhts regarding going to jail. (I was convinnced my son would die and I would be put in jail - now it seems really stupid but at the time the thoguhts were really real) Have you been really honest about how bad it is?

The other alternitive is asking him to move out for your sanity.

He wont go. They are too busy. this is it.

Every time I try and take a huge step forward and get a grip on things, something comes and trips me up. today is the blocked sink. Its a ridiculous reaction, but I cannot help it.

I feel like I am in a relay race and every time I try to pass the baton then someone lamely drops it with some pathetic excuse, and so I run, evn though i am so tired, and then someone else drops it. I want out of this stupid race. They can run without me.

Can you ring your drs for an app today (laughable I know I couldn't with mine) or certainly asap. If not your dr then your counsellor.

You sound too desperate to let things go for another night without speaking to a professional or at least knowing when you are going to.

BIG hug to you. For what it is worth, it sounds like you have been doing a brilliant job so far keeping everything together.

I know you are feeling desparate and that everything is so utterly, butterly unfair, why you, what have you done that merits this kind of life. I get that feeling as well. It really does not help that your husband sounds like he lives on cloud nine in lala land.

First of all you need to take control again of your life again. It probably aint going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Figure out what you want from life.

If your husband is willing to sit down with you and it turns out that you have the same goals then brilliant, if not, then I would look to find another place to live, just you and the children. Go up to the council and get them to find you an emergency flat. Tell them that you are homeless as of the day you go up there. Bring the children, and they have to find you a place. They are not bad, I lived in one, when we got into a massive debt.

Each day make yourself think of minimum 3 positive things that you love about your life (your children, your hair, walking to and from school with the children, anything that will put a smile on your face).

If it is not too late find out if your husband is willing to give you full control over the money i.e. all his wages goes directly into an account only you have access to. He has no credit cards, not store cards no nothing.

The only thing I am afraid that suicide is going to change is that your children will be absolutely miserable and they will "only" have your husband as a role model.

Nobody is sitting rolling their eyes, these boards are for people to vent their problems and get some hopefully good advice.
Perhaps you could stay with your dad for a while and refuse to come back until the house is habitable. A blocked sink sounds like a nightmare at the best of times never mind with a baby!

MHTH? Are you still around?? Seriously can you go and stay with your dad until the sink is sorted at least?

No I cant Hoola. he is so judgemental and worse for my mental health than the sink.

The sink - I am wash up in the bowl, then draining it out of the waste pipe under the sink into a bucket then chucking it down the drain outside.

DH has spoken to me once to say am i alright.

Other 2 are screaming at each other in the garden and the neighbours son has just told us that she thinks we are chavs (its a very posh area and as this wreck of a house has no ventilation and ancient windows they can hearevery screaming word that is said.

I dont have anywhere to go. DH would come home, eat, shit, sleep, shave and go out the next day and the next.

I think he has some kind of responsibility disorder. Fuckwit syndrome.

Thanks for your concern everyone. Nothing is to be done. Nothing is going to change, and thanks for letting me rant and cry on here.

Your husband sounds pretty immature, tbh. Have you thought of couples counselling? I can't see how you're going to get out of this hole without some serious help - for both of you.