I know this is my issue, but how do I fix it?

[onlythelonely1975]

NC, long-time poster. Mid 40s.

I've been dating a man for two months. He's lovely. There's lots of sexual chemistry, hours and hours of the best sex I've ever had, we never run out of things to talk about, we laugh a lot, we're on the same level in lots of ways. We're very open and honest with each other (at least, I think we are!)

He's two years on from separating from his wife with whom he has a toddler with shared custody (she left him). I'm two years on from my last serious relationship, where my ex ghosted me and then broke up with me by text message. Neither of us is fully over our relationships and we've talked about this. We've also talked about how lovely what we have and how it is helping us in many ways.

We've had a few talks about our relationship (if something so new is a relationship). He was casually dating other women when we met and is now exclusive with me while we figure out our feelings for each other. He says he takes a while to develop feelings for women, based on previous experiences. I develop feelings quite quickly and have shared this with him. He says he's not using dating apps any more (we met this way) and that he's not seeing anyone else. I struggle to trust him with this (previous men I've met via apps have lied about this) and also because how much can I trust a man I've only known for two months? I am doing my best to trust unless proven otherwise as he has no reason to lie. (Unless that's his MO and this is what he does... who knows?!)

He treats me very well. When we're together is very attentive, interested, present, considerate. He seems very happy. I am very happy. We have told each other we're happy.

All sounds great so far doesn't it???

My issue is that he can be quite inconsistent with his messaging when we're not together. I've raised this with him and he says I'm overthinking it, that sometimes he's busy and it doesn't mean anything. Of course, he's absolutely right. After we spoke about it he increased his messaging with me, but it's dwindled a bit again. Not a huge amount, but enough to cause me worries.

Because I was ghosted in my previous relationship, and because of childhood traumas (rejections from both parents early on), if he doesn't message me from, say, 5pm until 9am the following day, it triggers a load of anxiety that I'm not used to and have no idea how to manage. When this has happened in the past I've looked to see if he's online on social media platforms (very unhealthy, I've now turned all of these off so I can't do it and feel a lot better) and when he has been but hasn't messaged me I've felt terrible. There's another thread on here that was posted recently from a male perspective about this and I identified with it. I don't want to be that person, to feel that way, or to then show this to this guy, who really I barely know.

This very early relationship has the potential to become a proper one and I want to give it every chance as I don't meet men I like often. I don't want to mess it up with my own insecurity. I am having therapy and I have been for years. However this is a new one on me. I tell myself how much he likes me and give myself the facts, yet they all seem so meaningless in the middle of an anxiety attack, which is completely disproportionate given how little I really know him and the length of time I've known him.

Does anyone have any advice?

I appreciate that threads like this can go either way and I'd appreciate gentle comments!!

Anyone? I realise I sound pathetic. I can't get this out of my mind despite having real problems I should be thinking about!

I really don't think you are ready for a relationship right now.
You should not be feeling this anxious, this soon in.
It's not healthy for you.
Please do some work on yourself before seeing any body else.
I'm rubbish at messaging.
All my friends and family know this and accept it of me.

I am in this position in regards to overthinking the messaging.

I have mentioned it, the way it has gotten less over time and he is apparently feeling secure and attached and happy and so doesn't feel the need to constantly check in with me because he knows we are fine.

My insecurity is My issue that I need to work on, so I am going to choose to believe all is well, trust him that what he tells me about his feelings is true and just try to chill out a bit!!!

@hellsbellsmelons thank you for responding. I think you're right. I wasn't looking for a relationship for anyone, but I stumbled across him and threw caution to the wind.......arrrgh!

@VirtuallyConfused I've told myself he's feeling secure and that things are good and relaxed and settling into something more "real". But telling myself that and believing / feeling it are two different things.

Thank you for replying. I'm going to try to take your tip and run with it x

I think it’s good that you have realised it’s your issue. All the advice I can give is just keep on doing what your doing and the more you get to know each other then your anxiety will diminish.
But it is really early days and if he hasn’t texted you from 5pm until 9am I think that’s ok and if you ask for more he will resent ‘having’ to do it. I know I would.

Come on you are old enough to remember relationships before mobile phones. We were lucky if we were in contact every two or three days. Reset your expectations to what you had growing up. It is not normal or natural to be in contact all the time, just because it is what mobile phones have created.

@Lllot5 thankyou, yes, you're right. I hope the more I get to know him the more I'll relax. I don't want to raise it again with him as it sounds so childish and doesn't paint me in a good light at all.

@WorkingItOutAsIGo I wish we were in the 1990s again without all this constant contact!! This is the first 'relationship' I've had where I've felt like this, I'm normally so confident. I'm going to memorise your message and repeat it to myself!

Oh god, I've been there. It's bloody awful. Messaging and social media make things difficult as you can see they're active even if you're not actually checking.
It's stood out to me that you admit you are both not over your previous relationships. And he has a toddler who he has 50/50. And it's helping you both to be in the relationship. Relationships shouldn't be based on getting over your previous relationship.
It all sounds very intense and I suspect he's backing away a little to get some space.

In my case, the messaging thing niggled at me and was signalling to my gut that something was off. I wish I'd listened because the change in messaging was reflective of his doubts and his lack of getting over his wife.

Proceed with caution

@Motheroffeminists thank you, food for thought! You're right, this has been quite intense. I think maybe I should try to get a bit of space too, if that's what he's doing. If nothing else it will give me a bit of a breather. It's hard isn't it, when you're really into someone. All common sense can fly out of the window!

Agree about the getting over relationship thing too. I think we're less using each other to 'get over' the other people than to help heal the hurt. It's nice to be affectionate with someone else. I'd like to think if he had doubts he'd raise them, but maybe the behaviour is subconscious. Or maybe not! I'll see how it goes. But I will proceed with caution. :)

Oh hell yeah! Common sense and love are mutually exclusive! 😩

@Motheroffeminists haha!

It’s a good point about mobile phones when me and my ex first got together he didn’t have phone in his house! Used go round the corner to the phone box. It’s just what we’ve become used to. Breathe and relax.

He probably wants someone to have a meal with, companionship etc but doesn't want to get in too deep, too quickly. He's not ready for commitment again. It may not be deliberate (flaky messaging) but he is keeping his distance.

@SapatSea ironically that's what I was looking for too, and am still looking for in a way.

Thank you for all the replies. What's struck me with this is that I'm spending a lot of time trying to second guess what he wants and not much time on what I want and am feeling. I'm going to concentrate more on myself and try not to overthink this.

He may be just a crap messenger, some people are.

The critical thing is to not overthink it. When i was younger I was terrible at this and it made me very unhappy.
My view on relationships now is too trust until proven wrong, you cannot build without that trust, but you can destroy it.
It is a gamble but you will not stop someone from hurting you by worrying about it all the time.

It should not be angst and worry, chill, go with the flow, listen to what he says to you and trust him. He may be an arse, he may not but worrying about it will not change anything.
Easily said - difficult to let the overthinking go. Good luck

I'm in the same boat op and found reading about attachment styles helpful
E.g
www.atlantacenterforcoupletherapy.com/relationships-the-anxious-style

There is a book called Insecure in Love which is useful to. It's unlikely to be just you, it's a dynamic between the two of you.

Keep going with the therapy. And consider techniques for managing your anxiety such as mindfulness and maybe CBT. What makes you feel good about yourself and reduces your anxiety? Do more of it.

Also... you haven't gone into detail about the childhood trauma (and I'm not asking you to) so I'm not sure if it's relevant but you might find the Toxic Parents book useful. I think you need to go back to the root of your anxieties to help you manage them better now.

When you meet someone it can be amazing fun, but then reality kicks in and you have to get used to the boring bits together, the times with less contact, disagreements etc. normal life

My partner sometimes messages me too much, we've been together for almost a year. Sometimes I ignore him, but only as I do not want to constantly be messaging. He has calmed down a bit more recently and things feel more stable.

Sorry, had no idea I had more replies on this thread!

@Fromablokespoint you're right, I need to chill. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. Tiny little things trigger it some days, and other days they don't. It's driving me nuts!!

@QuentinWinters that link is brilliant, really eye opening. I've ordered the book too. Thank you so much. It's hard isn't it. I can intellectually understand why I feel this way but it doesn't stop me feeling this way. I'm grateful he has little or no idea of how I feel but I'm sure he can sense it in some ways.

@AnotherEmma thank you, yes had a big session with my therapist yesterday about all of this. Managing is so difficult.

@Chocmallows yes you're right. I think it's difficult to get the balance right........ when we're together its almost like he's more into me than I am to him and then when we're apart it's the opposite way around. Hopefully we'll find our groove. I'd like this to turn into a proper relationship (it's too early for me to really call it a relationship) and I don't want to mess it up. I hope he feels the same.

It would be such a shame to lose what sounds like a lovely relationship because of your insecurities!

Can you not talk in person about what your individual wishes are for texting frequency? We are all different. I agree with a PP, you don't want him to feel under duress to have to text you. That would spoil things.

If you know that he isn't a prolific texter then does that not help your anxiety - ie that it's not personal?

FWIW I couldnt' bear to be with a prolific texter - it would drive me mad. I much prefer to get on with my life and then have great times together in person. Having a needy texter would be awful. For me.

HOpefully you can work out something that suits you both.

I understand. I feel like this too sometimes. I haven’t heard from someone who usually messages daily for over 24 hours and I’m fighting anxiety about it.

I think it depends for me on whether they’re otherwise active online. If they’re not it’s ok but if they are online and not messaging that’s what really makes me worry.

But then looking to see if someone is active online is a terrible anxiety inducing pastime which I would not recommend at all!

So no tips from me, just empathy.

And I’ve scaled back my own social media use considerably which has helped a lot

@Jogrunwalksleep it's horrible isn't it. I've turned all 'active' things off so I can't look. If he is online and not messaging me I feel terrible and wondering who he's messaging instead and thinking he likes them more than me. If he isnt online (he uses FB more than me) then I wonder what he's doing in real life. Both of these things are crazy and none of my business and I'm really pleased I'm managing to control this most of the time. Horrible horrible horrible. I don't like this version of myself. Sending you a hug.

@Chamomileteaplease I think he texts me quite a lot but it's inconsistent patterns. Sometimes it feels like too much (when I'm working for example and hes not) and other times when he's out he used to text to say he'd got in and was going to bed but now he doesnt and I wont hear from him until the morning. So then I spend time wondering why. On lots of levels I trust him. On lots of levels I worry. I go round in circles thinking all sorts of things. Trying very hard to read bad things into something that is most likely innocuous, and if worst case scenario is he's seeing someone else, on dating apps, things like that, then I'll find out eventually.

Think of it this way though: they know that you can see if they are active online and that they have read your message because that's how the apps work. So you have to wonder why they aren't replying or appear to be ignoring you. It's almost goady or at least passive aggressive. Sure they don't have to reply straight away but if they love you then why would they want you wondering why they aren't replying? It's game playing. They might be busy chatting to someone else but when you see they are active on and off all day (because you're chatting to friends or whatever) then it's understandable to get annoyed especially if it's a regular thing. They are very much telling you that you are not a priority because even if busy it only takes a few seconds to type out a quick "in the middle of something, chat later x" It's cruel to have you wondering and knowingly playing to your insecurities. I know others will disagree and say it's the insecure person's issue but to me it's deliberate and hurtful if it's regular. And I've no time for that shit.