I know this is my issue, but how do I fix it?

[onlythelonely1975]

NC, long-time poster. Mid 40s.

I've been dating a man for two months. He's lovely. There's lots of sexual chemistry, hours and hours of the best sex I've ever had, we never run out of things to talk about, we laugh a lot, we're on the same level in lots of ways. We're very open and honest with each other (at least, I think we are!)

He's two years on from separating from his wife with whom he has a toddler with shared custody (she left him). I'm two years on from my last serious relationship, where my ex ghosted me and then broke up with me by text message. Neither of us is fully over our relationships and we've talked about this. We've also talked about how lovely what we have and how it is helping us in many ways.

We've had a few talks about our relationship (if something so new is a relationship). He was casually dating other women when we met and is now exclusive with me while we figure out our feelings for each other. He says he takes a while to develop feelings for women, based on previous experiences. I develop feelings quite quickly and have shared this with him. He says he's not using dating apps any more (we met this way) and that he's not seeing anyone else. I struggle to trust him with this (previous men I've met via apps have lied about this) and also because how much can I trust a man I've only known for two months? I am doing my best to trust unless proven otherwise as he has no reason to lie. (Unless that's his MO and this is what he does... who knows?!)

He treats me very well. When we're together is very attentive, interested, present, considerate. He seems very happy. I am very happy. We have told each other we're happy.

All sounds great so far doesn't it???

My issue is that he can be quite inconsistent with his messaging when we're not together. I've raised this with him and he says I'm overthinking it, that sometimes he's busy and it doesn't mean anything. Of course, he's absolutely right. After we spoke about it he increased his messaging with me, but it's dwindled a bit again. Not a huge amount, but enough to cause me worries.

Because I was ghosted in my previous relationship, and because of childhood traumas (rejections from both parents early on), if he doesn't message me from, say, 5pm until 9am the following day, it triggers a load of anxiety that I'm not used to and have no idea how to manage. When this has happened in the past I've looked to see if he's online on social media platforms (very unhealthy, I've now turned all of these off so I can't do it and feel a lot better) and when he has been but hasn't messaged me I've felt terrible. There's another thread on here that was posted recently from a male perspective about this and I identified with it. I don't want to be that person, to feel that way, or to then show this to this guy, who really I barely know.

This very early relationship has the potential to become a proper one and I want to give it every chance as I don't meet men I like often. I don't want to mess it up with my own insecurity. I am having therapy and I have been for years. However this is a new one on me. I tell myself how much he likes me and give myself the facts, yet they all seem so meaningless in the middle of an anxiety attack, which is completely disproportionate given how little I really know him and the length of time I've known him.

Does anyone have any advice?

I appreciate that threads like this can go either way and I'd appreciate gentle comments!!

Building on what mother said I think it can also be a control thing sometimes - a strategy by people who are anxious themselves. I’ve been guilty of this too. I get a message sometimes and don’t reply on purpose because I finally feel in control and need that to settle - if I send a reply right away I am anxiously waiting for the next reply etc. Whereas if I leave it a couple of hours my mind calms down and I’m fine.

I’m not the best person to talk to though as am classic anxiously attached and seeking help for that

@Motheroffeminists @Jogrunwalksleep

Yes, people who deliberately don't reply are dicks but yes, it can also be about feeling in control (which I'm guilty of too, definitely, I don't want to always be the one waiting for a response!!).

I do wonder if he has deliberately not texting me in the evenings to 'test' me, to see how I react given I spoke to him about it previously. I've not reacted to him about it at all. I'm hoping faking it until I make it works for me.

See, game playing. It's a control thing. We get told not to appear too keen 🙄 and so delay replying for a little while. But hours? No. I suspect your gut is talking to you. Listen to it because he knows how you feel and is still doing it. It shows a lack of respect, controlling tendencies and emotional immaturity.

It's not your issue.

People have different communication/relationship styles. Sone people are ok with gaps in contact, unanswered texts etc for a while (or ever), low contact electronically/by phone etc.
Some people are not and find it offensive/unsettling.

The two sets are not really compatible. In spite of all the other compatabilities, I'd worry that you two are not because of this.

The other thing it can be is a mismatch of emotional investment and priority; which is why one person notices and is affected by it, and the other doesn't. You've said you both not through/over past relationships. Maybe he's just not fully emotionally available yet. For me there's the worry you could get hurt if you are more invested than he is.

@Motheroffeminists I do agree with you..... but I wonder about having different expectations. He's out, he's with friends, he's having fun, why would he message me? I don't message him when I go out (I go out far less than he does though). I'm finding a negative in his bevhaviour and using it to feed my anxiety about if he likes me or not, if he likes me as much as I like him, if he's as invested as me. However if I looked at other things, such as what he messages me, how he communicates with me, pretty much everything else, it all points to him liking me as much as I like him if not more. He's told his friends and ex wife about me, whereas I haven't really done that. He may look at this and worry like I do with the gaps in his messaging.

@Moralitym1n1 very good points. I'm sure he isn't fully emotionally available yet although I would say we're emotionally getting closer.

I am going to raise this with him again and tell him how I feel in a reasonably unemotionally way, will ask about the gaps in silence. Not by message though!

If he's busy doing whatever then why is he active on the app and messaging others? He can be busy but messaging others but not busy and message you? To me it's priorities. Out of sight, out of mind? He's really attentive when with you because that keeks you hooked. Then when not with you he keeps you wondering and ramps up the insecurity so that when you are together you are so bloody grateful for the attention that you overlook any niggling doubts you have, any bad habits, the noises from your gut. I've been there and felt such a bloody fool afterwards and wish I'd listened to my gut. I might be projecting and over analysing but only you can determine that.

@Motheroffeminists I'm really enjoying your thoughts on this, you're playing devil's advocate that I appreciate.

I don't know when he's online any more as I turned all of those things off (was not helping!!). I do think you have a point about the push and the pull, being lovely in person, being a bit distant sometimes randomly. It's game playing and manipulative IF that's what he's doing. I don't know him well enough to know if he is or not.

It's definitely a niggle and I need to talk to him about it again to understand what's going on with him when he's like that and to explain that his messages to me enforce how I think he sees me.

It really only is when he goes out in the evening, so when he's busy. When we're together we rarely look at our phones and I like to think he's attentive to his friends etc. But who knows!! If I find out I will report back!! x

I hope it turns out ok. I'm very cynical and have been treated badly so many times like this. I've done a lot of work on my boundaries and hope I'm now better. I certainly have no tolerance for any crap from anyone, male or female.
Remember that expecting respect and consideration is not being needy, clingy or controlling as this is what I've been accused of so many times.

Sorry I've only skimmed all the posts but are you sure he is completely separated?

People have too many options open to them these days with OLD and he may be keeping his open.

Maybe I am just paranoid and I don't want to ruin this for you but I've seen it happen so many times. He could be keeping you or someone else on the back burner. Be very careful about investing too much. I truly believe if a man is into you he will let you know with his actions.

@Motheroffeminists honestly, I'm the same. I'm so worn down by everything. He thinks I'm very cynical about relationships. He's very hopeful about us, quite wide eyed and innocent!

I once dated a man who used to phone me up to 10 times a day. I thought he was besotted by me but it turned out he was seeing someone else the whole time who he then went on to marry (they're now divorced). So I know that these sorts of communications can be deceptive in both ways!!

Thank you, by the way for all your thoughts. :)

Hmm I have experienced this a few times with different variables so here are my thoughts.
First relationship I had since separating, the guy was way more into me than I was into him and I was the poor texter. My hot and coldness was obvious if you looked at messaging patterns. I just wasn't ready or sure about him so when I was away from him and had time to think, I cooled off and didn't want to be in touch, even though in person we got on great.
Next guy I was seeing I was way more into him than he was into me and I got a taste of my own medicine! He was such a sporadic texter, I felt I could almost sense when he was ignoring on purpose and when he wanted some attention. I became more and more needy because he wasn't fulfilling my needs. It ended badly. I wish now I had listened to my gut but I kept trying to convince myself this was just his texting style.
Current guy - we are equally into each other and I can feel this without any doubt so therefore feel totally secure. He's also quite sporadic - texts a lot when he's off work with nothing to do and very little or not at all when he's with friends and family. But it doesn't bother me because I intuitively know that we feel the same about each other.
Point being......trust your gut! What is your intuition telling you?

@SignedUpJust4This yes, definitely. 100% sure they're divorced. :)

@Senseiwu thank you, that's all really interesting! I know I can't trust my intuition with this as much as I'd like to given how my previous experiences and upbringing are affecting it.

I think I should be feeling more secure than I am. I'm not sure he could do anything differently (other than being more consistent!) to make that happen.

Ah but I should have said - I've also had awful past experiences that make me question myself all the time - yet my gut has been right in each of my 3 situations.
It's not your intuition that goes wonky through bad experiences it's your trust in it. Try to listen to yourself.

Yes, your gut is your guardian angel and early warning system.. Don't ignore it.

@Senseiwu @Motheroffeminists thank you. I can see that you're right and that if my gut is telling me this - to the extent that I'd post this thread! - something is not quite right. It's difficult. It's such early days and he shouldn't have to feel beholden to message me all the time if he's not in the mood. And practically I don't think there's any bad reason for him not doing it. But maybe it's a warning sign about something a bit deeper (his level of commitment, investment, etc).

I will update after I've explored this with him! Thank you. It's lovely to have strangers helping me. I feel a lot better.

In my experience, generally men will only communicate if they have something to say, they are not really into getting in contact just to chat.

Don't beat yourself up, it really doesn't mean anything bad. Although if you keep asking about it you might drive him away.

I think the comments about why are you not a priority and why is he not just sending a quick message while online though are part of the negative aspects of communication nowadays / social media etc. My partner uses Facebook and messenger a lot for work and so it’s easy for me to be annoyed and feel put out that he doesn’t reply to me. But he’s busy working, it just so happens that I can see an element of his activity! And my anxiety about any gaps in communication- which when you examine them rationally are barely gaps at all - is very much my issue and related to my own insecurity. He is not at all insecure in our relationship and does not spend hours unhealthily analysing my online activity! I think you sound sensible and rational, and recognise that you want to manage this issue. I think it is way too early to decide this won’t work just based on what you’ve described and none of it to me is a red flag.

I'd assume a man who was constantly.messaging at 2 months in, didnt have much of a life and would be massively needy down the line. Not my cup of tea. But then I have a secure attachment style, yours is very obviously anxious and that takes a lot of energy to manage.

It is only 2 months in though OP. Can you pull back and get a bit of perspective? He barely knows you. Of course there are other people he likes more than you... perhaps a year down the line, that could be different. But if he liked you more than anyone, after 8 weeks... wouldn't that be a sign of infatuation/ shallow, crush-like attachment?

Long and slow builds a better foundation ime...

But if he liked you more than anyone, after 8 weeks... wouldn't that be a sign of infatuation/ shallow, crush-like attachment?

Hmm this has given me food for thought (in a good way).

You’ve been with this guy for a matter of weeks

Try to keep things in perspective

Don’t even consider this to be a serious “thing” until you’ve got passed 6months

Just enjoy the time you spend with him, value the time you spend by yourself and learn to recognise that his presence in your life is to enhance it, not be the one thing you need to survive

You’re just inexperienced and have some battle scars, so does he, so just take all of it as a training relationship, have fun, don’t expect or demand more than this and both of you will learn to relax and trust another human being.

After what you’ve been through, many people would be exactly the same, but it needs to be approached the same way and that’s step by step.

Will this relationship last long term? Not impossible, but it is unlikely, but know that if it doesn’t, it’s because it’s a lesson for you to take on for the next relationship and there will be better out there for you

I remember my first significant relationship post my marriage tanking, it lasted a year but ended up hitting the buffers

It was extremely painful having to accept that it needed to end, but I knew I had to go through it and I deserved a better relationship

A few more “lessons” on the way and now I’m living a life I’d never dreamed of, with a man I adore and who actually adores me!

It can happen, but won’t if you hang onto what needs to go.

In the meantime, please just give yourself the permission to have fun and to not worry about if it doesn’t work out. You will survive- whatever happens

You’re a lot tougher than you recognise!

Hi all! Thanks so much for the messages. I promised an update...

I saw him last night. Before I met him I had a long, long think about everything and read this thread a million times (at least). I wrote several things down as a consequence (journalling when I'm anxious helps me hugely when I remember to do it!).

Before I saw him I realised that it wasn't so much the inconsistent messaging itself that triggered me but more what it represents, and that was my uncertainty about how he feels about me. Prior to last night we'd only discussed our 'relationship' once, where we agreed to not date other people. I realise that at only two months of dating it's perfectly reasonable to not really have any feelings for someone else at all, but given I am developing feelings for him and like him a lot, it has been playing on my mind.

I also looked hard at my gut instincts and what they were telling me and wrote down a few concerns I had even though I had no basis for them. Addressing them like this made me feel a bit silly, to be honest, but I'm so glad I did.

When we met our conversation naturally turned to our relationship, steered by him (feels so strange writing 'relationship' given how short it has been!). I told him about my gut instincts (which I don't want to write down here as they're quite specific to him, so outing and also intrusive) and he confirmed I was right... So lesson learned there! Thanks to all who said I should listen to myself. You were absolutely right! This stuff is a separate issue (not a big one in any way, but also not really relevant, hard to explain!).

We also talked about how we felt. He spoke first and pre-mirrored (if that's a word) everything I felt - that he wasn't sure how I felt as when we met I'd not been looking for anything serious, that sometimes I run hot and cold and inconsistent. This is all true, I'm ashamed to say. I said similar. Writing this down makes the conversation sounds heavier than it was. It was quite easy, a tiny bit awkward as I am not comfortable making myself feel vulnerable, and ultimately very useful.

He talked about how he's looking for a proper relationship and how much he likes me, but that he's been scared to invest fully as he has been doubting himself and believing I was about to walk away at a moment's notice (not unreasonable given the things we talked about when we first met, as I really wasn't looking for a relationship). I told him how this was true at the beginning but that I like him so much I'd hate to do that now. I really want to see what happens with us, and he does too.

So now things are resolved, I think, and we're making a proper go of it. Still very early stages, I know, but it's such a relief to have talked. He even said he'd been wanting to talk about it for a couple of weeks but didn't want to get hurt in case I ran for the hills. Same!

So thank you again. I'm going to hopefully (!) relax more and have even more fun with him. I like him a lot and am happy and hopeful about seeing what the future holds. xx

Brilliant update! So glad you had a good talk with him and you're both on the same page. Sounds very promising

Thanks for the update OP and I'm glad that you have had a good chat after listening to your gut. I hope everything works out

I think the relationship is too short to have high expectation. In two months you don't really get to know the other person really well; in the beginning everyone is on their best behaviour. He clearly hasn't let go of the past and maybe even he doesn't know what he wants. Best thing is not too get to attached and give yourself time. Put yourself first and take it one day at a time without expecting much.