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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex threatening to take my son when I move in with DP

47 replies

Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 10:21

This is messy, my ex H was emotionally abusive, controlling, plus sex life was near zero, only happened when he was getting super abusive and I needed peace. It was not a good life. I ended it after many years of marriage, 2 DC. Divorced for 2 years now, and have an amazing loving DP, now we want to move together, DC are fine and happy. EX was so annoyed when he knew my DC knew of my DP, and threatened to take my son, now that I informed him we are moving in,, he wants our son full time, we currently do 50-50, he does not mention the DD as she and him dont get along, he is using silly excuses, and we are meeting up tomorrow to discuss. last few months of us together he became very abusive even physically, and he was threatening to take children from me, as a way to keep me with him. I know he cant take him from me, and I can go to court and get custody, but this discussion is worrying me, he is very difficult and irrational, we are meeting in a public place, and near my work place. to highlight his state of mind, I can tell you he didnt shave or cut his hair since I left him. He said it is for personal reasons.

OP posts:

pog100 · 25/04/2019 10:29

It's not his son or your son really is it? He isn't a possession to be traded and the courts rightly consider the child's needs as paramount. It seems pretty clear from your OP that your ex wouldn't have any justifiable reason to change the 50/50 status quo, do I think that's pretty secure.
As far as having to deal with what seems like a pretty unstable character, I don't know. He sounds weird and I imagine pretty unkempt after 2 years, but you seem OK with the present 50/50? Since it's so clear, surely you just state clearly that there is no reason to change the present arrangements and be assertive. His insistence on one child and not the other would surely also highlight the absurdity of his case.
If you have any worries about the safety of meeting him though, don't. You can do it by e mail and will have a written record.

Original poster

Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 10:38

Thank you pog100
I asked both DC before making any decisions, and always make sure they are listened to, he treats them like chess pieces that he has control over, and I promise you I keep saying I will ask them, I will discuss with them, so he knows they should be involved in any decision.
my DS is so scared of me telling his dad, as he have seen the worse bless him. I will meet him close to work, Police told him 2 years ago he is not allowed in the building, he was stalking me then, so it will be ok, I just need to believe myself that it will be ok, my councilor said I am suffering from PTSD.
He has no case at all, he is not involved in their lives in any way, I deal with everything, everything! he doesnt know much about what they do. I should reduce the time they go to him really, as it is not what my DD wants, she really suffers there, only goes as my DS is ok with going, allthough when I end up having them for longer periods he is more settled and sad to go back to his dad, but he told me once he feels sorry for him.
If I take him to court, I am sure I can get full custody. But do I want this route? The thing is you cant discuss with a person who is unreasonable.

OP posts:

dollius · 25/04/2019 10:41

Don't discuss it with him, then. Tell him to take you to court or drop it, you won't engage further.

RestingBitchFaced · 25/04/2019 10:44

I wouldn't be meeting him at all, go through solicitors and take it to court to get an agreement drawn up. He is trying to intimidate you, no court is going to give him full custody of one child. He is having a tantrum, because he can't control you any more

Original poster

Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 10:48

That my plan, if he starts being aggressive or unreasonable, I will say we can go mediation or just take me to court.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 25/04/2019 10:53

How old are the DS and DD? I'm surprised you even let him have the dc 50/50. Is this of any benefit to the dc? Your Ex doesn't want DD, only DS, (and I'm sure she is relieved). Maybe DS is not happy about this idea of living with his father full time.

Agree with dollius - don't even discuss it with the Ex. Let him go to court. They won't be impressed if he turns up with long hair and beard. The dc might not even want the 50/50 arrangement and a court would take their views into account if they're old enough (about 12).

whatyouhavethough · 25/04/2019 10:53

You don't need to meet him to tell him things are staying as they are. Send an email. Do not meet up with him.

DontCallMeDaisy · 25/04/2019 10:55

From what you say, I think you should stop 50:50. Your daughter 'suffers' there and she shows a marked preference to her sibling. Your son is 'OK' going, feels beholden to his father and his happier when he doesn't have to go as much.

I think this is really damaging and if it was me, I would let him take me to court and I would be finding out how I could reduce contact for them.

NewNewName · 25/04/2019 10:56

Don't do this meeting at all. Do not engage with him. He just want to mess with your head and threaten you into submission.
As said above, tell him you'll see him in court. There's no grounds as to allow him full custody, it simply wouldn't happen. Especially if he chooses to not have anything to do with one child as it is.

Original poster

Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 10:59

I am meeting up to answer any questions he has about the move, where we are moving to, the man I am with, out of respect , to clear my conscious that I am doing the right thing. I am guessing it will be a very short meet up.
DD is 15, 16 in few months, and DS is 12
I have been trying to give him a chance to be a father, but he is not capable of being one

OP posts:

NewNewName · 25/04/2019 11:01

DONT DO IT, YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!
No explanation. No dues. Nothing.

Bookworm4 · 25/04/2019 11:03

12,16 that is old enough to make the choice themselves. Do not inflict or force a relationship on your DC that they clearly don't like.

Singlenotsingle · 25/04/2019 11:05

At that age, your dc are fully capable of making up their own minds where they want to live and who they see. A court won't impose anything on them without their agreement.

And you are going above and beyond the call of duty meeting the Ex. He probably only wants the chance to abuse you.

Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2019 11:08

Do not meet him - what are you hoping for? That he’s had a complete personality transplant and will be pleasant and reasonable?
Your DC are old enough to decide whether they want to see him and he’s can’t get custody of them anyway

HollowTalk · 25/04/2019 11:09

It's time your daughter voted with her feet. He can't do anything about it if she refused to see him. Your son is old enough to make the decision, too. It's awful that he feels so guilty about his father. I wouldn't go to see him - you know he's been terrible to you. Do it all via email or text so that it can be used against him. Let him try to take it to court - if he can't even shave then I doubt very much he'll get it together to go to court and if he did, he wouldn't get any more time with your son than he has now.

finnmcool · 25/04/2019 11:11

Don't meet up with him, you are just giving him an opportunity to abuse you again. The kids are old enough to state where they want to live.

missyB1 · 25/04/2019 11:12

But you can answer all his questions by email. I wouldn’t meet up with him, I just can’t see what is to be gained. I get the fact that you want to say you did all the right things, but is it really worth it?

Smumzo · 25/04/2019 11:14

You're crazy. Don't meet up with him, public place or not. Get a solicitor. Or at least correspond by email only.

Hidingtonothing · 25/04/2019 11:16

I genuinely don't understand why you're meeting him OP? You know he won't be reasonable, you know he isn't going to be happy about you and DP moving in together so what is the point? Why put yourself in a stressful (and possibly dangerous from what you've said) situation when you already know what the outcome will be?

Meeting him won't placate him, he will still have all the same arguments and objections and nothing you say will change that. Honestly save yourself the time and effort and just tell him to take you to court, your DC are old enough to have their wishes taken into account and he won't get full custody so you have nothing to lose by going this route. You also have nothing to gain by meeting him, your words won't suddenly make him non-abusive/controlling and nothing will be resolved so why put yourself through it?

PigWhisperer · 25/04/2019 11:17

It is a very bad idea to meet with him and I can guarantee you that it will not end well.

Why don't you set up a new email account and give it to him for his sole use and answer any questions via email.

If he wants to pursue custody tell him you will only communicate via solicitor.

Please don't endanger yourself, physically or mentally for a man who has abused you and isn't even interested in one of his children.

Original poster

Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 11:21

I think I am still being controlled by him, when I sent the test to him yesterday I swear I felt cold, and so anxious I couldn't move. I do not want my kids with him, he guilted me into this arrangement. I need to change things, you are all right.
Is it better if I go to court and start the process or let him? I dont think he will ever do though

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 25/04/2019 11:31

Don't meet him, let him take you to court if he's so determined, sometimes things come to a natural end.

Hidingtonothing · 25/04/2019 11:37

That anxiety is exactly why you shouldn't meet him OP, your body reacts like that for a reason, listen to it. As for whether you start the court process I'm really not sure. There could be advantages, you would be in the driving seat and that might give you a sort of psychological upper hand, it would also show the court that you're trying to be reasonable and do things the right way.

Having said that if you don't think he would ever take the initiative to take you to court there might be a case for just letting things trundle on, maybe look at reducing contact (certainly for DD and DS may well follow suit) and hope he just sort of fades into the background. If you don't think that will happen then yes, I would get the court process started myself I think, at least if everything is court ordered and set in stone he can't attempt to bully you (or DC) into doing what he wants.

wotsittoyou · 25/04/2019 11:38

At that age, your dc are fully capable of making up their own minds where they want to live and who they see. A court won't impose anything on them without their agreement.

This is true in my experience. However, it relies on the child being free to tell the truth. It gets dangerous when one parent is controlling and callous enough to bully the child into telling cafcass what that parent wants them to say.

You get a situation where one parent has the child's best interests at heart and tells them that they're safe and accepted no matter what happens, and the other telling them that if they don't say that they want to live with them the whole world will cave in. What's the child going to say? It's quite easy to manipulate a child to do something against their best interests if you're that way inclined.

llangennith · 25/04/2019 11:43

At your children's ages they will be asked by a welfare officer or the court whether they want to see their father. They cannot be forced to see him. If your DC see that you're so scared of your ex that you're appeasing him then your DS will be frightened too. Support your DC by standing up to your ex.

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