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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex threatening to take my son when I move in with DP

47 replies

Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 10:21

This is messy, my ex H was emotionally abusive, controlling, plus sex life was near zero, only happened when he was getting super abusive and I needed peace. It was not a good life. I ended it after many years of marriage, 2 DC. Divorced for 2 years now, and have an amazing loving DP, now we want to move together, DC are fine and happy. EX was so annoyed when he knew my DC knew of my DP, and threatened to take my son, now that I informed him we are moving in,, he wants our son full time, we currently do 50-50, he does not mention the DD as she and him dont get along, he is using silly excuses, and we are meeting up tomorrow to discuss. last few months of us together he became very abusive even physically, and he was threatening to take children from me, as a way to keep me with him. I know he cant take him from me, and I can go to court and get custody, but this discussion is worrying me, he is very difficult and irrational, we are meeting in a public place, and near my work place. to highlight his state of mind, I can tell you he didnt shave or cut his hair since I left him. He said it is for personal reasons.

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 25/04/2019 11:44

Please don't meet him! You are not free from him if you let him dictate to you and the children. Have a calm word with your DC and ask if they want to actually have such frequent contact. Assure them that they can decide. They are now old enough to not have to go if they don't want to. Leave it to the courts. You do not have to answer to that man.

Original poster
Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 11:54

All this time I was trying to make it easy for the DC, not sure if I did actually, but they must say what they want, and understand it is not choosing one over the other, it is choosing what makes them happy and the better environment for them
I need the courage now, to text him saying I do not wish to meet up and we can communicate via email

OP posts:
thelastgoldeneagle · 25/04/2019 12:01

I should reduce the time they go to him really, as it is not what my DD wants, she really suffers there, only goes as my DS is ok with going

Your dd is old enough to decide where she wants to live. Pls don't make her go to her father if she doesn't want to. Get some legal advice. And don't meet him!

prawnsword · 25/04/2019 12:10

I know you mean well, but you’re clearly still being controlled by him if you are even considering meeting with him to answer his questions. If I was your new partner would be very concerned about your ongoing behaviour, jumping when your ex says how high.

Also you are also putting your children in the middle, so that when they say they don’t want to go to dads, you can say it’s their wants & you are trying to facilitate what’s they want. This means you avoid owning your decisions & saying no, because you as a parent do not think it’s in their best interests. This must be creating anxiety in your children, who don’t want to be put in the middle of your ex’s manipulation & a passive mother who is still under his control.

It wouldn’t matter if you were moving in with someone he wouldn’t approve of (he won’t approve of anything you do anyway) - he doesn’t get a say in your life choices now & if he feels your son should live with him full time he should go to court to change the agreement. I doubt a judge will look favourably on him for only fighting to get his son & not his daughter though !

Please don’t meet him. Correspond only via email & if you do talk on the phone, write a follow up text or email saying ‘as per our phone call today....’ so there is a paper trail for all correspondence with him.

Original poster
Lovingmy40s · 25/04/2019 13:00

Does anyone have any experience with child arrangement orders and how long they take, and if I can apply for the emergency one?

OP posts:
dollius · 25/04/2019 13:05

Don't meet him, OP. As for your DD, if she doesn't want to go to her father's, don't make her. If he harasses you about it, just say it is her decision as she is old enough now to make up her own mind. Then IGNORE him. Your DS can make his own arrangements to see his dad, there is no reason you have to speak to him at all.

CaptSkippy · 25/04/2019 13:49

Flowers OP. I think you can use them.
And I second what others have said. You owe him nothing. He has had chance after chance to sort himself out and he blew it every time.

Cut contact and let him take you to court.

CaptSkippy · 25/04/2019 13:52

I would also like to add that I think you'd make your children's lives easier by not putting up with this crap and not engaging with him anymore. That way you set an example by renforcing your own boundaries. That's a lesson all children can benefit from.

WelshMoth · 25/04/2019 21:46

I agree. At the moment, your DC sense your anxiety and your compliance to meet with their father, so it gives the impression that he's in control.

Give the control back to you and your DC. I think you more than deserve it.

Thanks
GummyGoddess · 25/04/2019 21:49

Meeting him won't do anything productive. Cancel it. What do you think he needs to know?

Bleubelle · 25/04/2019 21:54

I think I am still being controlled by him

Yes you are. Your children are old enough to make their own decisions on who they live with. Don’t let him threaten you with Court and if that’s the route he chooses then get your children their own solicitors.

Auntpetunia2015 · 26/04/2019 07:02

Why are you meeting him? He’s abusive and controlling..he isn’t going to have changed. Email him what you think he needs to know and tell you poor DC they don’t have to see him if they don’t want to. Poor kids.

nrpmum · 26/04/2019 07:09

@Lovingmy40s yes you can. Get yourself to a solicitor asap.

Lozzerbmc · 26/04/2019 07:24

I would echo above dont meet him and dont make the DCs go to him if they dont want. Ex doesnt sound capable of looking after them anyway. Lovely you have found a nice new partner - hope the DCs like him

Blondebakingmumma · 26/04/2019 09:06

Sit down and ask the children if they want to stay with their father. They may prefer to stay with you 100% of the time, but have days out with their father instead. Although it sounds like your dd doesn’t want to see him.

It may be the perfect time to make changes. You are moving house and he doesn’t know the address. I wouldn’t tell him.

Doyoumind · 26/04/2019 09:16

I was in a similar situation to you, OP - abusive ex who wanted to meet and discuss things face to face. I got so stressed about it and then I realised I didn't have to do it. He was controlling me. A court order won't make much difference with the ages of your DC but the process might confirm to him they have their own opinions and they count.

Original poster
Lovingmy40s · 26/04/2019 15:33

I ended up meeting him for 30 min, we got no where, and he tried the anger, shouting, pleading, negotiating and threatening, it was a roller coaster, i just sat calmly, not letting any of it effect me, as I am watching TV. told him I dont think this will lead anywhere, any future discussion is through email. I will do what I said I will, DC are happy ( he doesnt care what they want as they are children) and he calls me selfish! apparently if my son sees his mum with another man this will destroy him emotionally...hmmmmm....
It was so strange sitting there and as if I have a glass wall infront of me, everything boucing back and getting to me.
Will talk to the DC tonight, and prepare my DS to what his father is planning to say to him, and let them know I am there to support them and we are strong!
Thank you all for the strength yo gave me.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 27/04/2019 01:43

It's good that you were calm, and now you know for certain that you don't need to waste your energy on any further meetings with him.

May I suggest that you tell your DC that you will always tell them things up front, and to ignore their father if/when he starts saying that you will have another baby/they will be replaced/you won't have time for them/etc.

Weenurse · 27/04/2019 04:15

Also let them know they don’t have to see their Dad as much as they are now.
It is all about them

nrpmum · 27/04/2019 09:59

Good for you Flowers

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 27/04/2019 10:24

Although i think your brave for meeting him i dont think this is the right cause of action. He is abusive and controlling, you need to protect yourself. I also think you undermine yourself by being prepared to meet him. If it ever went to court how would you justify him being abusive and his behaviour if you were prepared to meet him and alone. YOur kind of undermining your own case. (sorry dont mean to be rude)
You need to set up mediation (this comes before court anyway). Ask for shuttle mediation as this is whats recommended when there is abuse involved.

You carnt reason with someone unreasonable, once you understand that then meeting up with them becomes futile. YOur still being sucked in to his behaviour and his threats.
When you say you think you can get full custody what do you mean? Get a residency order? That just stipulates where the children live, which at the moment if its 50/50 its both your houses. As long as your partner doesn't pose a risk to your children then he has no say in the fact that he wants to move in esp as the children are happy with it.
Personally i would just ignore him this will force him to either forget it or take further action such as see a solicitor, well thats his choice.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/04/2019 10:34

Disengage. Have nothing to do with him. Let your ex go to court if he wants - judge will let your son decide who he lives with anyway.

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