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Relationships

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Original poster

What to do - love DH but don't want sex with him

26 replies

ConfusedofYork · 24/04/2019 21:19

I really need some advice please - I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends because they are all friends of DH too.
I love DH very much - we get on so well, he's my best friend, a brilliant father, a kind, funny man and I love spending time with him. The only problem is we never have sex. I thought I was ok with that and you didn't need sex for a happy marriage but recently I've found myself thinking about sex with other people more and more often and I'm worried I will have an affair and screw everything up. The idea of never having a sex life again really depresses me.
I know the answer is to try to sort out my sex issues with DH but they just seem insurmountable. Our sex life declined ages ago to not very regular, I think mainly because I stopped fancying him that way but also because he always came really quickly. I've also always had trouble maintaining sexual interest in someone long term. I don't know if it was linked to reduced sex, but he developed ED and stopped being able to have sex at all. He got Viagra from the doctor which kind of works and he is really keen to have sex - he really fancies me still but is very understanding about me not really wanting it. I don't know how to get over that I don't fancy him like that and that if I do make the effort to have sex it will be over in 20 seconds. TBH, I can't face the idea of sex with him and it depresses me.
I do really want a sex life but I don't want to screw up a wonderful marriage by getting involved with someone else. What would you do?

OP posts:

twomadefour · 24/04/2019 21:22

Have your tried using toys in the bedroom?
It could prolong the act itself and make it more enjoyable.

Crustaceans · 24/04/2019 21:23

mating in captivity is a good book about sustaining or reigniting sexual desire in long term relationships.

Good relationship counselling might be really helpful here.

FuriousVexation · 24/04/2019 21:29

If he's taken Viagra it's likely to last much longer than 20 seconds! In fact you might find he doesn't cum at all.

If you still don't want sex with him, I'd raise the question of an open marriage. You're both free to find FWBs, but emotionally you remain true to each other.

Original poster

ConfusedofYork · 24/04/2019 21:36

Thanks for your thoughts. The book looks good - I'm going to try that.
DH bought me some toys a while ago but I was a bit horrified - not because I'm a prude but the idea of doing things like that with him grosses me out a bit. They've been hidden away!
We have had sex since he had Viagra but it still doesn't last long and he can't go for it because he's constantly trying not to come. Also it's difficult because he has to take it half an hour in advance and I don't feel able to commit to sex in advance - it's too much pressure.
TBH I would like an open marriage (I think) where I could have sex with other people but there is absolutely no way he'd be up for that and I think his ED problems would rule that out for him anyway.

OP posts:

Ashparo12 · 24/04/2019 21:38

Have you had an honest and open conversation about the actual reasons why? Ofcourse in a sensitive way. It might be helpful for him to know that you become easily uninterested quickly sexually. I wonder if the quick cumming is because of the lack of sex? Maybe he also does not masturbate so the odd chance he does get it with you it would naturally be quick.

This is something you can definitely get over... but it's the mental side you must address what's going on in your head that makes you shut down. It can only carry on in this way for so long. Good luck

RiversDisguise · 24/04/2019 21:49

He must feel quite hurt.

Not being able to commit to sex 30mins in advance? Yet you complain sex doesn't last long enough? It doesn't add up really.

Original poster

ConfusedofYork · 24/04/2019 21:58

Thanks. It's really helpful to hear outside points of view as I'm constantly trying to see things straight in my own head and just getting confused.
You're right, Ashparo12. I should talk to him about it. It's so easy when everything else is good to ignore the issue but I need to confront it. Maybe we should be brave enough for counselling too. Seems an alien idea when to me our marriage is great but maybe we do need it.
RiversDisguise - you're probably right about him being hurt. I don't think about it enough from his POV. But the reason I can't commit to sex 30 minutes in advance is because I really don't want to have it with him so it's hard to get turned on and I find the pressure stresses me out. But whenever we have managed to have sex, there's not much pleasure in it for me because it's over so quickly and I feel like I've made a lot of (mental) effort for little reward. That probably sounds terrible but I'm just trying to be honest.

OP posts:

RiversDisguise · 24/04/2019 22:03

Well, it sounds like he doesn't put much or any effort into making it good for you, then. Which is not something you should have to put up with either, tbh

Hopoindown31 · 24/04/2019 22:16

I think you need to seek professional help for this if you want to keep your marriage going.

At the end of the day your DH knows he is a massive sexual disappointment to you and he knows you don't really want to have sex with him. Both these factors havd probably contributed to his premature ejaculation and ED I'm afraid. Was he very experienced before he met you?

You are going to have to make a difficult choice here.

LexMitior · 24/04/2019 22:22

Why did you stop fancying him? That’s the core of it I think.

Your post doesn’t sound like you want to resume that bit. All the toys and gee gaws in the world don’t make any difference if you don’t fancy someone.

Is there nothing, I mean absolutely nothing that makes you go, phwoar that man?

Not, phwoar there’s the man I married who is good with the recycling and other administrative tasks... that won’t be sexy.

beenwhereyouare · 25/04/2019 01:25

Love is the key. Loving each other enough to want to give each other pleasure and the closeness that physical intimacy brings. It may mean finding different ways to accomplish that; a couple's sex life evolves just as everything else in their lives. Giving pleasure can be enjoyable and even hot for the person doing the giving especially when love is involved.

It sounds as though your husband is trying to bring you pleasure; Viagra, sex toys, and letting you know he fancies you. You even said he puts off his own pleasure to try to make things last longer for you. Sex isn't only intercourse; there are SO many other ways to have fun. Most couples will eventually go through this, but mutual love, respect and the willingness to be unselfish and try doing things differently are key to maintaining a satisfying relationship.

DH bought me some toys a while ago but I was a bit horrified - not because I'm a prude but the idea of doing things like that with him grosses me out a bit.

What are you doing for him? Besides hiding the toys, avoiding the issue, rejecting him, making him feel you find him disgusting. And not being kind enough to schedule things 30 minutes in advance. All the while you're daydreaming of sex with other men. If you don't think he feels that, if you don't think you're hurting him, you need to get a grip.

It feels a little like you're looking for approval to cheat or wreck what's left of his self-esteem by asking for an open marriage. You've unilaterally removed sex from your marriage. Not because he's abusive, or unkind, or a cheater. Basically because you've always had difficulty maintaining long-term sexual interest.

I'm sorry, but I think you're being incredibly hurtful and selfish.

Preggosaurus9 · 25/04/2019 01:29

What if DH helped you get off before intercourse?

I don't think anyone in their right mind would be happy with 30 seconds of joyless sex. You have the right to enjoy it too, what is this, the 1800s?!

dreichuplands · 25/04/2019 01:37

How about you both agree to have regular sex without intercourse for a while. To get back into the habit of regular enjoyable sexual activity without being concerned about it finishing too quickly or his ED. You could review what to do next when sexual intimacy is up and running again.

Weenurse · 25/04/2019 01:41

Maybe consider an intimacy consultant.
They guide couples to improve intimacy with the goal of improving sex life as a result. They will talk about toys and marital aids in a clinical and non embarrassing manner.
A vacuum pump device along with viagra may prolong his erection so you get more pleasure for example

BlueSaphire · 25/04/2019 01:45

Sometimes sexual love dies and if it's not there all the viagra and sex toys in the world wont make it come back.
The words...I love you but I'm not IN love with you.....mean just that.

Original poster

ConfusedofYork · 25/04/2019 07:31

Beenwhereyouare, I don't think I make him feel disgusting. I don't find him disgusting. I'm quite happy with naked cuddling etc. It's just going further than that I find hard.
Hopoindown, no he didn't really have experience before me. I had had quite a lot of experience. We did have a very good sex life for the first 9 months or so of our relationship. Then I got pregnant and we never really got it back - that was 12 years ago.

Your responses are all helping me recognise this isn't a problem which will go away. I will not throw a great marriage away because of sex problems. I need to find a way to try to work through it with him. It's hard to imagine an active sex life with him but I need to try. We are just not at all good at communicating about meaningful stuff!

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 25/04/2019 08:23

I agree with the PP about exploring non-penetrative sex, because it seems like the focus in on the penetration for both of you, and on nothing else, For instance, he should be able to bring you to orgasm without an erection at all, so his focus on trying to last need not be an issue. 30 minutes of foreplay could include at least one orgasm for you before penetration even begins.

But if you really don't fancy him, there's not a lot that can be done. However, I'm not convinced you don't fancy him as he doesn't make you feel repulsed when he touches you. When I've not fancied someone irretrievably, I couldn't bear then to touch me, let alone naked cuddling.

Sex therapy may really help you.

ittakes2 · 25/04/2019 08:51

Relate have sex counsellors who might be able to help. You can just call them and ask over the phone to see if it will help.

Thundereverywhere · 25/04/2019 16:58

OP, I am in a very similar place except my DH's ED means sex can last well over a (very sweaty) hour - so the other extreme. But other than that I feel very similarly to you.

I am reading 'Mating in captivity' and finding it really helpful so would recommend it.

AgentJohnson · 25/04/2019 17:58

How have you got to the point where an open marriage could be a first resort solution to your issues but counselling isn’t?

It sounds like your ‘good marriage’ is a pretty dysfunctional one and both of you have been in denial about the damage the dysfunctionalicy has done.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/04/2019 18:12

Would you be more interested if he took an interest in what turned you on and actually spent some time on you before his 20 seconds??

It doesn't sound very motivating from what you describe. But you could change things.

Hopoindown31 · 25/04/2019 18:16

I don't think I make him feel disgusting. I don't find him disgusting.

Have you ever asked him how you make him feel?

Innernutshell · 25/04/2019 18:52

It sounds like you might have a problem with intimacy and commitment op.

Do you see him in a 'good father' role and therefore you are not allowed to also see him as sexy?

Perhaps some of his problems are from a lack of confidence due to you not seeming to want him in that way.

Scott72 · 25/04/2019 20:24

Maybe there is hope? I've read here, and elsewhere, that when a woman loses all desire for a man she often finds any physical contact with him unpleasant, as ChristmasFluff points out. You like cuddling and kissing him, so thats not so bad. You seem to have a lot of expectations of how sex should be like.I don't know how old you are, but you might find many men in your age range having the issues you describe (and ejaculating within 30 seconds is fast, but still probably within normal range and at least he doesn't have sensitivity issues).

Butterymuffin · 25/04/2019 20:28

Have the two of you never been in the habit of him making you come some other way besides penetration?

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