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Original poster

Proportion of wages to bills and his!

46 replies

MyToDoListHatesMe · 24/04/2019 15:46

I'm so fed up.

I currently rent with my partner of three years whilst we are saving for our mortgage. He is a much higher earner than me (I net £1200 p/m and he nets £5000 p/m) and works far less hours than I do. We do not have a child together however he has one DC from a previous relationship and pays £500 a month for his child.

Our household bills per month are around £900 combined but this includes luxuries such as high speed internet, Netflix and Apple Music. We split the household bills 50/50 which means I pay 45% of my monthly wages and his is about 12% (don't jump on me if the maths isn't exactly correct, I'm not a troll - just not the best at Maths!)

He saves a lot for a deposit for our mortgage as I can't (he wants a huge deposit so we have lower repayments each month) so that's his argument, although his deposit will be ring-fenced, should we ever split, he will get his deposit back. I love him, really love him. He supports me and has helped me out with tax bills, paid for holidays and treats me to a meal out occasionally. I don't want to be too harsh on him.

I'm tired of working 40+ hours a week whilst he chills in the afternoons, I do all the cooking/cleaning - he buys the odd take away and washes the pots. I'm tired and I am going to explode in the wrong way. I need to be cool, calm and collected and explain my reasoning.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/04/2019 15:50

He isn't acting like you're a team
Have you spoken to him about the disparity in outgoings? Are you thinking of marrying him?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/04/2019 15:51

Firstly I do all the cooking/cleaning....WHY?? He needs to do more than you if he works less hours, or he can use some of his money towards a cleaner.
Financially i dont think its unreasonable to pay 50/50 on bills if both working and no DC. Would he be open to, for example, paying for more of the food shop, with the intent that you can save more towards the joint deposit?

Original poster
MyToDoListHatesMe · 24/04/2019 15:56

I've never actually thought about it in great detail really, I like it being 50/50 as I feel like I have half the say in everything... It's never really been a problem until I've realised the week before pay day I am seriously struggling (I drive 62 miles a day to work and back) for fuel, whilst he comes back with a new pair of trainers or spends £70 on an xbox game without thinking.

I don't really care about being married, it would be nice but i'm not that fussed either way. He does the dishes at home each evening and will hoover up once a week but that's it, the washing, cooking, ironing, nitty gritty cleaning falls on me. I also manage the bills for us and ensure everything is paid (I pay it all manually, my fault I know, but I get some pleasure out of it - weird!)

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 24/04/2019 15:59

When you do buy how will the mortgage payments be handled? Do you have plans to marry?

His CMS payments for 1 child seem low so perhaps he has a habit of protecting himself financially. Just some insight as it might reflect who he is.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/04/2019 15:59

the washing, cooking, ironing, nitty gritty cleaning falls on me

WHY?

Just stop doing it.

Tell him to pull his finger out and get on board with his fair share of chores.

The financial side of things is a totally different issue.

NameChangeNugget · 24/04/2019 16:03

I think you need to talk.

Do you both have the same goals? His way is as valid as yours but, if he’s really into the relationship, he should listen.

Original poster
MyToDoListHatesMe · 24/04/2019 16:05

@lifebegins, is £500 low? We have her overnight twice a week and once after school also. He also pays extra towards parties/trips out. You may be right, I have no clue as I don't have children of my own :)

When we have our mortgage, the bills will be split as they are now... 50/50. I will hopefully be earning more then as I am due to qualify in my profession shortly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyToDoListHatesMe · 24/04/2019 16:07

We do both have the same goals and he is great. If I asked for help towards something, i'm sure he would help. It just seems a bit unfair that each month I am careful but still struggle, whilst he can splash out on himself, whilst saving.

I just don't know if i'm being unreasonable/grabby.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/04/2019 16:17

Perhaps he doesnt realise you are struggling. Definitely speak to him about it and see how he responds. I would also, if you want DC together, ask his views about one income, or reduced income when on mat leave. I read way too many threads where men still expect 50/ 50 of bills when their OH are having to reduce hours with childcare etc.

SalemShadow · 24/04/2019 16:23

Not being rude to you OP but it doesn't seem cost effective to travel 60 miles a day to earn 1200 a month. Can you not get something closer to home and also push for a payrise? What do you do? Also, you need to speak with your partner about the bills and housework as it will only get worse otherwise esp if you have kids

Bookworm4 · 24/04/2019 16:40

I'm always mystified by these posts, a couple should be sharing costs, money in a pot and share what's left after bills etc. These arrangements will always leave the lesser warmer feeling angry.

CaptSkippy · 24/04/2019 16:41

I think you worry too much about being grabby both at home and in the office. The result is that people on all sides are taking advantage of you. Your partner is not pulling his weight financially and physically for the family and your employer/coworkers take advantage of your hard work without accomdating/rewarding your needs and efforts.

I think the problem is that overall you need to be more assetive. 50/50 is not splitting the bills 50/50, but carrying the financial and phsyical burden 50/50

What would you do if you were not with him? You would cut your spending budget, live a cheaper life-style, maybe move closer to work and perhaps ask for a raise. You are not doing all these things to be with him and he is taking the piss, perhaps without being aware of it. But he is taking the piss.

sadkoala · 24/04/2019 17:54

OP you do realise that you're basically allowing him to put money in his own pocket?

So his excuse for 50/50 is that he is Saving for a house deposit, a house for both of you BUT HE WILL ACTUALLY GET THAT MONEY BACK IF YOU SPLIT as you mentioned it will be ring fenced.

Do you not see what's wrong with that?

If you a are a true team planning on spending the rest of your lives together

SkinnyPete · 24/04/2019 18:34

It should be 50/50 across finances and chores at a minimum.

  • As he has more time, it's not unreasonable to expect him to contribute more at home.
  • As he has more money, it's not unreasonable to divide the household outgoings as %'s of your combined take home.
  • If you don't divvy up based on income, it's not unreasonable for you to dictate that you live somewhere within your 50% budget based on your own needs.
  • If he has more money and more time, it's also not unreasonable for you to suggest him to pay for a cleaner if he doesn't want to do more.

I wouldn't recommend buying a house or having kids at this point in time. Marriage might make it a safer bet, but I think the behaviour you're witnessing should be a red flag to that. Good luck.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/04/2019 18:35

The bills I agree with him on, 50/50 when dating. Different if married.
You'd have to pay 100 percent if you lived alone so benefit by sharing with another.

The cleaning should be shared with more being done by him if he's home earlier.

I wouldn't date someone who didn't expect to pay 50/50.

Quartz2208 · 24/04/2019 18:48

If bills are 50/50 why is everything not as well

You are massively losing in this he is massively gaining

When his child visits who does the work
Who is enabling him to get a deposit because they are paying half the bills

LemonTT · 24/04/2019 18:52

Is there a reason you travel 60 miles per day and earn so little? Does this leave you enough to live off if you weren’t with him? Because as a single healthy childless adult you need to be able to pay your way and not expect a man to do it for you. What was the plan without him.

ShinyShoe · 24/04/2019 18:57

I’d say the bills should be a percentage of income. I’d also say that the housework be divided proportionate to who is home more. Plus his child stays and presumably creates work/mess. That should be his responsibility. He’s living the life of Charlie really isn’t he? Got it well sorted to his liking. He does the bare minimum, gets to keep all the cash and has somebody facilitating his childcare responsibilities. Great deal for him.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/04/2019 18:58

You are massively losing in this he is massively gaining

On housework yes but both are saving 50% on the bills so neither is at an advantage money wise. If he earns more it's because of the career path and effort he's put in.

Op would be far worse off alone as she would have to do it all herself financially.

keepyerbrowson · 24/04/2019 19:02

You're not married and have no shared children. Bills should be 50/50 at this stage, but so should bills.

Earning £1200 a month, and forking out for 60 miles of fuel per day, how would you be surviving on your own? Surely you're better off living with him?

But get the housework situation sorted ASAP. Whether he chooses to do that in his free afternoons or not isn't the point. He should be doing more.

keepyerbrowson · 24/04/2019 19:03

You're not married and have no shared children. Bills should be 50/50 at this stage, but so should bills.

I meant so should housework, etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2019 19:05

Actually, I think you do have a child. You just mistakenly refer to him as your partner.

alwayslearning789 · 24/04/2019 19:06

Some ideas based on what you have said:

You - Cooking
Him - Dishes and Pots
You - Washing
Him - Hoovering

Ironing and Nitty Gritty Cleaning? - Get a cleaner and save yourself and him the stress of arguing about it.

The money side? Tell him you a struggling a bit and jointly decide on a plan that helps you both.

It sounds like there is still scope for a reasonable resolution.

And best wishes for the rest of the professional exams on your way to a better pay cheque:)

Surfingtheweb · 24/04/2019 19:25

I wouldn't like this. We have always put all our money in 1 pot, paid the bills & what is left over is shared.

lovinglifexo · 24/04/2019 19:31

it really depends on how much of team you are.
personally for me my money is my money.
50/50 is the fairest way in this mindset.
But if you were married with kids then yea you should pool all money.

So you probably need a discussion on what kind of relationship you have

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