Proportion of wages to bills and his!

[MyToDoListHatesMe]

I'm so fed up.

I currently rent with my partner of three years whilst we are saving for our mortgage. He is a much higher earner than me (I net £1200 p/m and he nets £5000 p/m) and works far less hours than I do. We do not have a child together however he has one DC from a previous relationship and pays £500 a month for his child.

Our household bills per month are around £900 combined but this includes luxuries such as high speed internet, Netflix and Apple Music. We split the household bills 50/50 which means I pay 45% of my monthly wages and his is about 12% (don't jump on me if the maths isn't exactly correct, I'm not a troll - just not the best at Maths!)

He saves a lot for a deposit for our mortgage as I can't (he wants a huge deposit so we have lower repayments each month) so that's his argument, although his deposit will be ring-fenced, should we ever split, he will get his deposit back. I love him, really love him. He supports me and has helped me out with tax bills, paid for holidays and treats me to a meal out occasionally. I don't want to be too harsh on him.

I'm tired of working 40+ hours a week whilst he chills in the afternoons, I do all the cooking/cleaning - he buys the odd take away and washes the pots. I'm tired and I am going to explode in the wrong way. I need to be cool, calm and collected and explain my reasoning.

I really don't understand those saying pay the bills and everything else spilt.

OP earns £1200, but should have total access to over £4K a month that her boyfriend earned??

I know the work situation for me is crap, I spend so much on fuel that it doesn't warrant really going to work. I've asked for a rise and was told no, there will be no rises for the foreseeable future. I'm applying for other jobs but until I qualify I don't have much hope of finding something closer to home.

Why should it be different if we're married? I'm still the same person, earning the same, doing the same stuff. Why would being married make it any different?

I look after his DD a lot when she's here and I usually tidy up after her too! He's a typical Disney dad but that's a whole other thread.

Can I just make something clear - I pay my way, 42% to his 12% and I've never expected a man to do this for me! I just find it a bit unfair that I struggle a lot and he pulls out another pair of Yeezy trainers... I would never take his money and use it for my own gain! E.g my hair done or a new foundation!

He's a crap dad. Pays a tiny proportion of his income as support as lets you do the looking after.

Do not get pregnant

He's not a crap dad and you can't make assumptions like that from my post.

Why should it be different if we're married

Because most assets are joint when married by law and the vows make reference to sharing everything. It's a legal partnership. Whilst dating there's no legal commitment and either can walk away at any point.

I don't really care about being married, it would be nice but i'm not that fussed either way.

Oh dear, what is the point being with a 'well off' man if your getting nothing for it?

Marriage is more than just the vows. It's protection for you and any future children you have.

You sound like a babysitter for his child and a housekeeper. What are you getting for it? Considering you pay half your wages in?

He is playing you good. Well done to him.

Of course he’s a crap dad!
He has his daughter only 2 nights + 1 evening a week, but you look after her a lot.
There’s no assumption to be made there - you’ve told us he’s a crap dad!

You’re just BF/GF. I don’t think 50/50 is wrong. I don’t argue with those those would share all money, it’s a different a valid way. But I personally think 50/50 is fine, he’s not there to subsidise you.

Your split of domestics isn’t clear, but it should be 50/50, and a decent man would do more as he works less.

You complain about doing all the bills, then say it’s cos you like doing them

I would stop paying for the luxuries if you want more disposable income, if he can afford them on his income, then good for him, but you need to cut your coat according to your cloth. If you're having to make adjustments to living with a higher earner, then he should have to make adjustments to living with a lower earner, at least until you qualify, so that you can save too.

He is a crap dad because he is setting a crap example to his kids, leaving all of the shitty domestic tasks to you. What does that teach them about relationships?

He should at the very least be pulling his weight 50/50 with regards to household chores.

I can understand going 50/50 on finances if it's early days, but his treatment of you suggests that he is not in a committed relationship with you and does not see you as his equal.

I seriously don’t get why the OP expects to be subsidised by this man. She is on a low wage and is training to earn more. Well that sucks but it is something we have all experienced. You cut your cloth to fit. Why should you expect a man to pay for you.

The OP has choices here. If she can’t afford to live with him she should move out to somewhere cheaper. If she doesn’t like the basis of the relationship she can challenge and leave. But she is clearly a live in girlfriend not a life partner.

Simple advice is to sort out her own finances and to decide whether she wants to live with someone like him. He will just get worse about household chores.

We did everything 50/50 until we got married but we were earning the same.
After marriage DH started earning slightly more so put in more but got the same amount of spending money as me. So still the same % of what we earnt was joint.

Now that we have kids everything is going joint and we are going to see how that goes. Just gotta curb his online shopping (or watch it) and I have to watch my spending on coffees with friends as I don't want to fall in a a 'spite spending' trap that so many seem to.

Don't know if that helps you at all. But in your situation I would say it is fair to be doing 50/50 as you are. I think it's tricky when you aren't married or not fussed about marriage as to me, that's the point where things become very much joint, not when you get a mortgage together.
His argument that his deposit will be ring fenced is kind of fair, unless you get married IMO.

Re cleaning- does he do anything? Wash the cars? Get the food shop in? Perhaps he could do those things. He does have to pull his weight around the house, especially if you buy one together.

At the end of the day her DP is a father and that is his first responsibility. I would be telling him to do everything he is doing if he posted as a single mother with a live in boyfriend. I am fairly sure so would a lot of other people. He needs to save for a secure future for his child not the OP. A capable adult. Now maybe that isn’t why he does it. But in his shoes I would be doing the same. I think his financial intentions are clear. It’s now up to the OP to decide how she will deal with the fact her income does not sustain the lifestyle she wants or needs. Just like lots of people.

50/50 finances, 50/50 everything.
You need to discuss with him how you are both going to arrange to split the cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing & ironing evenly so you are both contributing exactly 50/50 just like the bills. That is only fair.

You do need to be very wary in this situation. I was in similar - there was a huge disparity in our earnings , and we were not married. I was massively disadvantaged when we split up as he simply walked away with all 'our ' savings because they were conveniently in his name. I don't think you are being as naive as I was ( I was idiotic enough to have a child with him and switch to part time working as well), but you do need to think carefully about your own security in the event of a split.
Agree as well with a PP who queried the amount your DP is paying towards his child. My ex also earns just over 5K per month after tax and my CMS payments are considerably more than £500 a month (we have one child, but he does not see him at all which will make some difference to the calculations, but probably not enough to account for the disparity).

Him being a Disney dad isn’t another thread, it’s part of a pattern f behaviour that is obvious in this thread.

By all means the division of housework needs to be addressed.

But he's saving a large amount to enable you to buy a house together. It's absolutely right that his deposit should be ring fenced.

You said he is a Disney dad and you look after and tidy up after his daughter a lot.

He doesn't help with the housework, despite working less hours than you and spends his money on yeezy trainers.

He sounds like a wonderful man 🙄

Also, if he knows what you earn, he will be aware that you're skint. But he doesn't care.

@LemonTT is there any need to be so nasty/rude? I can afford to live where I am, thanks. My current situation will change in the near future once I'm qualified. I cook, I clean, I support him emotionally, I build a relationship with his daughter and I try my absolute best to ensure our household is a happy one for her to grow up in. Oh, not sure why I should bother seeing as I'm just a "live in girlfriend" despite paying 50% of the bills. I am trying to find a new job that pays better but for the time being I can't. I would never see anyone struggle whilst I pay for expensive items, but yeah, I'm not a life partner eh? I count my blessings everyday and I'm glad you're not one of them. Christ.

Thanks for the helpful replies, I'll just stay quiet for the time being. I'd rather struggle silently for the next few months.

Sorry if this has been covered but the thing that niggles at me in this is that you pay 50/50 now so you feel it's fair, you're paying your own way and you get equal say in everything. Which I totally understand. But you're also paying that so he can save for a bigger deposit. So when you get that house, what will you do? Will you be able to pay 50/50? You may need to address it then anyway, so seems reasonable to adjust it now. Or will he live in a smaller house than he could afford so that the mortgage repayments are something you can manage? Also you're paying out more than you can probably really afford at the moment so that he can save more, and then he'll ringfence that. But he'll have saved more because you've paid a disproportionate amount to your income. So you've supported him in doing that, but won't be entitled to any of what he saved in deposit if you were to split. If that makes sense?

I think my thinking would be that you are a partnership right now, don't plan for "if you split", live for now, and you are struggling to live. I'd be looking to get him to pay a bit more to support your "team" so you have some breathing space. It seems madness that you're struggling when he's so comfortable yet you're a couple. If it's likely this disparity in wages will always be there, and potentially get bigger if he has scope to progress, you can't spend your life living two different financial lives - you the life of someone getting by and he the life of someone prosperous. There will come a time when you really can't afford to keep up with your partner's lifestyle which is madness when you're supposed to be a team.

You’re about to buy a house together so a long term committed couple.

I would not want to be rolling around with thousands to spare each month while my long term partner struggled to make ends meet. It’s a very selfish way to look at things.

If you were the higher earner OP, would you be happy to see him struggle whilst you had loads of money?

I think you should explain that your struggling. What he says about that will tell you a lot about him.