What should a relationship be like?

[Smilingthroughtears]

We are trying to re-build our marriage after a very traumatic time. Dh had a short affair and previous to that we both went through a very traumatic 3 years in different ways. We have both had mental health issues in different ways also.
I know a relationship shouldn’t include an affair and I am sure many people would say LTB. I have had some counselling however and I also know that many people work through affairs and marriages can work. I have done lots of reading and know some people manage to make it work, others don’t. I think I understand why and how it happened with the state of my dh’s mental health and the way it happened.
I guess what I want to know is-for you what is your relationship like? Good or bad. Dh is depressed at times and finds it hard to express emotions for multiple reasons. I had kind of broken down those barriers over 16 years but they built back up again for various reasons. Now more than ever before I feel naturally so insecure and find myself craving romance, affection, words of love, passion and wondering what other people’s relationships are like. Our sex life is good again so it isn’t that. It’s like I feel I should be treated as special now I think and I am wondering if this is all there is or if it is normal. There is some passion there but I am a deeply romantic person and perhaps dh can never live up to that now, especially as I feel I deserve it after everything. I also wanted to feel protected and I don’t feel protected and adored anymore. Perhaps those feelings will come back and they are just naturally not going to be there until we are further down the line.
Do people actually have this in their relationships after the initial first couple of years? AIBU to want more now? AIBU to feel like I need him to say he loves me all the time after being together so long? I am not sure what to expect now and if it is realistic.

My dh loves me, he tells me everyday and he's very affectionate. He would never cheat on me.

I couldn't forgive infidelity op so my advice is to walk away

Ok, we don't have the history you have of your DH having an affair etc to work through. However, like you, I have quite a romantic view of things, want to be adored, protected etc, want passion in my life. DH is very practical and more realistic. He's a wonderful person, does more than his fair share, really every element of the relationship is great except the romance side of things. I find myself wondering if that alone is enough to leave a marriage over, then get a giant grip on myself, realise how lucky I am to have a husband who loves me, tries to show it all the time and would do anything for me, and remember that it isn't such a big deal if our relationship isn't passionate or terribly romantic. I could do a lot worse, and tbh, if I were single again, I doubt I could do any better than him! It's probably not realistic to expect that kind of intense passion that I long for to exist beyond the first couple of years.

@shofordoxian if you trawl through all the posts of women finding out about affairs on here, the vast majority would have said the same as you beforehand. As would I and as would my DH. It's desperately naive to think no one will ever have an affair.

OP I am in almost exactly the same position as you. DH is trying to be very affectionate and says he's going to prove he loves me through his actions.

I don't know what I want or expect, but it just doesn't seem enough. I feel I need more, I'm just not sure what. A few cuddles in bed aren't feeling adequate at the moment. I feel I need him to do something to heal us.

We were never the most expressive of couples beforehand so it would feel awkward if he were to tell me he loved me all the time or make some grand gesture. I feel I need something though!

Exactly what I would have said 2 years ago before we when to hell and back, we have been together almost 17 years now. I never saw this coming. I also would have said I could never forgive and would kick him out for good. Lots of people believe that is what they would do, not saying you wouldn’t. I find myself in a situation lots of other men and women do, and I think you’ll find that lots of couples try at least to work through it. So we are trying.

Ditto @smilingthroughtears. I thought I would LTB after any kind of infidelity. Being in the situation is rather different than I thought it would be beforehand.

I know exactly what you mean. Dh has tried actually, he wrote me a lovely message in a card. He has cuddled me. He has said I love you more particularly in the first months when we were working through although as he points out he was never one to do that all the time anyway. He gets frustrated and he knows I want more but maybe like you say it is I need him to do something to heal us, and only time will tell off that is possible. I don’t know what I want and it is frustrating! Him to erase the past possibly!

Sending love. I don’t think anyone really knows and every situation is unique based on other things going on in your life, length of relationship, shared ties, shared history and children. Plus ultimately if you both want to try.

Thank you. Yes, exactly. If I can’t appreciate what he is doing then I am scared I will push him away.

I know it sounds a cliche but we are a team. We discuss almost everything, consider each other in plans and decisions we make and look out for each other.

We do have a rare disagreement but we work it out and we do have our own interests and friends. Are physically and verbally affectionate and have a good sex life.

I couldn't forgive cheating.

Sending love

Sorry I am not much help but that is how I believe a relationship should be.

A relationship, shouldn't be a chore.

So, say if every other day they create some un-necessary drama, if you never know where you stand with them (eg: they have no desire to reassure you and may even enjoy you being unsure) or if they actually aren't a nice person (either to you/others or both) then that is not a relationship, it's a prison cell of your own making.

A relationship should, for the most part, make your life easier, calmer and also make you a better person, because you want to be a better person for them and them, for you. If a relationship does nothing but stress you out and cause you hurt, if it turns you into a wreck or makes you go against your own values or give up your own dreams - it isn't worth having.

A time machine would be ideal! DH just wants to leave it all in the past and move forward, and sweep it under the carpet like it never happened. I just can't. Not yet anyway. I feel I need more acknowledgment of the hurt he has caused.

I worry he's going to get fed up talking about it though.

No I get it. It is why I haven’t posted much. It is exactly what I would have said-I couldn’t forgive.
It helps knowing what other relationships are like besides the obvious though.

A relationship is different to different people, So mine may not be what you are after.
I think it is hard to get over what you have been through, but unless you can honestly forgive then I think it will be even harder.
My DH loves me but he very rarely says it, I see it in his eyes and actions, whenever I have wanted more romance and he has tried it comes across as very false so we just don’t sweat those things anymore.
We have been married for 30 years and I would say I think I was happy for all of those, but it is probably selective memory at play!
Life (and therefore relationships) are full of peaks and troughs and if you both want the same ending then you will get through this but it may take time. Keep at it OP I admire anyone who is willing to work at something.💐

To quote Michelle Obama, "Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don't hurt". It's a simple description but I like it.

This is how we were. It wasn’t hard. However I wasn’t asking for constant reassurance and he wasn’t feeling like a terrible person. Dh will give reassurance and says things when I least expect it that are lovely. Parts of it are a chore through as you would expect when recovering from something and that is when I wonder if we will ever be ok. I want to get to it being easy, maybe we won’t.
However I have had people tell me you have to work at marriage and we are definitely at a stage when we are having to.

I think dh is fed up of talking about it. Counselling helped me but we don’t have the money at the moment. Like you I feel I need to still talk and need acknowledgement. However I have read a lot of blogs and info and this is common, the balance being off between his recovery and yours. I guess it is to be expected. Sometimes I do think if he didn’t love me why on earth would he be here as I haven’t exactly made it easy for him either particularly in the first 5 months. But I still get angry and I still want him to tell me he loves me over and over again. I think he has done his talking and is spent, being a person that finds it hard to talk about his emotions we have spent a long time in a place he is uncomfortable with. I try to be understanding of that but when something has brought me back to the hurt place I want to go through it again and get more reassurance.
I guess now I am trying to find our normal and figure out what I should expect after all the ups and downs.

Thank you. I understood Barack and Michelle did have some difficulties but I will bear this in mind as I am now looking to what a marriage should look like for the long term.

Thank you. I honestly have no idea if it will work but then others have said to me that nobody really knows.
Your post really helps me look at different relationships and be realistic.

Sorry I missed the bit about the history. I would in some ways like to say but worry it would be too outing x

This is probably going to drop down the list. Would love some more input on other’s company experiences of relationships x

Been with my DH over 20 years, intimacy is slowly reducing, i feel like screaming out at times as feel as though im invisible, just come in now from working a full day and hes sat watching football and didn't even say hello or ask about my day, i think id feel very lonely without the kids here, we seem to go through phases lately of good times and not so good

Yes I think there is always a bit of that in long term relationships, when the children were younger we both got so overwhelmed and tired. That bit is actually better at the moment but I don’t want to go back there. It’s so hard as I am analysing so much about us now.

I am interested in more answers to this. It was a question the marriage counsellor asked us and we both struggled to answer.

We talked about it afterwards and realised that actually no one we knew had a relationship we would want to model ours on. Everyone had an issue of some kind or another.