What should a relationship be like?

[Smilingthroughtears]

We are trying to re-build our marriage after a very traumatic time. Dh had a short affair and previous to that we both went through a very traumatic 3 years in different ways. We have both had mental health issues in different ways also.
I know a relationship shouldn’t include an affair and I am sure many people would say LTB. I have had some counselling however and I also know that many people work through affairs and marriages can work. I have done lots of reading and know some people manage to make it work, others don’t. I think I understand why and how it happened with the state of my dh’s mental health and the way it happened.
I guess what I want to know is-for you what is your relationship like? Good or bad. Dh is depressed at times and finds it hard to express emotions for multiple reasons. I had kind of broken down those barriers over 16 years but they built back up again for various reasons. Now more than ever before I feel naturally so insecure and find myself craving romance, affection, words of love, passion and wondering what other people’s relationships are like. Our sex life is good again so it isn’t that. It’s like I feel I should be treated as special now I think and I am wondering if this is all there is or if it is normal. There is some passion there but I am a deeply romantic person and perhaps dh can never live up to that now, especially as I feel I deserve it after everything. I also wanted to feel protected and I don’t feel protected and adored anymore. Perhaps those feelings will come back and they are just naturally not going to be there until we are further down the line.
Do people actually have this in their relationships after the initial first couple of years? AIBU to want more now? AIBU to feel like I need him to say he loves me all the time after being together so long? I am not sure what to expect now and if it is realistic.

I really feel for you. I have been in your situation but also have to deal with the fact that he’s emotionally abusive and quite controlling financially. I have forgiven a few dalliances and a proper affair and now I really wish I hadn’t. Honestly so much hard work and effort goes into getting past it and I honestly don’t think it’s worth it. I now want my husband to leave, I am so done and really regret those years of angst and trying and doubting my self worth. You only have one life, you need to ask yourself if you’re happy. If not go and find happiness.
Good luck whatever path you choose and I wish you happiness.

Thank you. I wish the same to you. Dh always adored me and we had a very good relationship, he was faithful for 16 years and we had a fairly healthy relationship up until the few years before that which were filled with stress and massive trauma for both of us, and our children. The kind of trauma that makes a relationship and a person vulnerable in lots of ways. This is why I want to give us a chance. We were the last couple many of our friends thought this would happen to and he was the last person anyone thought would cheat. There’s more to it that I can’t mention without outing but I want to try to forgive because it’s more complicated than I can say.
I do worry I will regret this but I think if I have done all I can for us and our children I will at least know that.

I am too! I keep wondering what I should be aiming for, what I should be looking at. Then I speak to many people including older couples I know and they have all had ups and downs, all have had difficulties. I would like to be a fly on the wall to really see relationships day to day. I find myself thinking more and more about what is normal. And in some ways I think I have forgotten what we used to be like

He is my best friend, we honestly like each other, enjoy each other’s company. We have patience with each other. We enjoy making each other smile. We talk when we first start feeling grumpy about something so it doesn’t escalate- and know the other person will actually listen and take in our point of view.

I think people have to come to a point where they can accept one another. You have to accept what he did, and he has to accept the ugliness of the rage and pain you feel; you both have to accept that you are deeply flawed creatures.

The marriages I know well which have lasted for 20+ years are all complicated and all have serious challenges built into them.

I think that having a long relationship with one person you love, and have created a life with, can give you an opportunity to keep confronting yourself and growing: addressing whatever the most central problem of your psyche actually is. Perhaps your husband's affair has shattered your romantic narrative of what life should be like, and you are having to confront the fact that life can be messy, complicated, mundane, ugly, and meaningless at times, (as well as beautiful and joyful). Perhaps his affair destroyed not just your illusions about him but your illusions about your own place on the earth.

You know when you have a sore spot on your body, or an irritated finger nail or something, how you always want to keep going it to see if it still hurts? It is hard to just accept that yes that spot is painful and no amount of prodding will make it feel better. Then one day it is less sore.

Esther Perel has a few good things to say about recovering from problems, especially infidelity, in a marriage. She says that everyone will get married a few times over the course of a lifetime, but for some people all of those marriages will be to the same person. I don't think it is possible to go back to the marriage you used to have, but it may be possible to have a second marriage to your husband, and that marriage may even be better than the first in many ways, with more understanding, more depth, more commitment.

You seem like a very thoughtful person, and it sounds like you have a great deal of love for your husband, and he for you. I think that working through all of life's difficulties together is incredibly romantic, and I hope that you find peace and acceptance, as well as joy and romance in your marriage.

@Smilingthroughtears......your H sounds a bit like mine.....he had EA then left me to make it physical and people were so shocked as he's always been considered one of the good guys, the last person to cheat and lie. We too had gone through a few rough years after having probably about 17 great years together. Although when I look back, I can see my unhappiness starting about 10 years ago. H is very practical but he could not be affectionate or tell me he loved me etc. Sex was great but if we didn't have sex, he literally wouldn't have touched me. He made the main decisions and I just went along as on the surface, my life was brilliant.

So he left as I said after a few years of us not getting on - she was someone from his past who ended up back in his life and it made it easy for him to take that escape route. We tried again several months later and he said he wanted me, we would make it work etc. But nothing changed. I still felt way down his list of priorities and ended up asking him to leave again.

I was doing ok but recently I had an epiphany moment that I just missed him so much. I want him in my life. But I don't think there is any way back for us. It really really hurts but I think I will just need to live with it. I wish my sensible side could lead the way more...the one that could see that I was unhappy.

So I feel for you- you can only do what seems right at the time but I would really try to listen to your gut - I don't think I did and that possibly made things harder for me than they otherwise would have been. Good luck.

I tried to reply to this earlier but got waylaid and lost my post. I think with dh it is also if he can forgive himself. I have read a lot about affairs, have some counselling training and am a person who looks for answers so maybe I should have known I wouldn’t be a person who gives up a 17 year relationship without trying even with massive complications.
I really hope we do manage to find our way to a positive solid relationship. I miss the way we were but this is before the trauma we went through too so not really the affair. One led to the other in many ways and it is all mixed up. I feel like there is a before and after person for us both, affair or no affair, and we have to figure out if those people can stay together and make things work.
Thank you for the info about being married to the same person but it being a different marriage, it will be that and I will have to grieve for what we had. I hope we come out stronger but only time will tell. Thanks for saying working through it is romantic too-i never thought of it like that really! I have a few models of marriages, long term marriages and they have all had ups and downs. The advice I have had from them has been more realistic I guess but I do deserve happiness so in a years time I will see where I am with the healing individually and within our marriage x

Sending lots of love. I know I would miss dh, he has been my best friend in many ways. I know our children would miss him. I know our lives would change immensely and we would miss out on the family bond we have together.My gut is telling me to try my best or and if that isn’t enough it won’t be for lack of trying on my part and I guess I will have to figure out another way to move on. I hope that doesn’t happen. I know together or apart the hurt will always be there though x