'Not dating' date ...

[Justme1981]

Hi all
So ive posted about this man before, in brief: thanks to the strength of mumsnet i left my abusive marriage last year, i started online dating & a colleague was suggested as a match, we are both healthcare professionals & have worked together for years, we had 2 dates first v lovely, then in the second he backed off (i think he freaked out about my child, was VERY uncomfy talking about kids) he said no chemistry, offered friends with benefits which i declined, we havent really seen each other since (feb) but in past 2 -3 weeks ive started working in the same area as him, hes started emailing questions i know he knows the answer to, then chatting after. Anyway, my friends persuaded me to ask him to meet again, i didnt want to ask him on another date, so ended up saying along the lines of 'i feel like we get on really well, would be good to meet without the pressure,/expectations etc of a date' he said sounds good & im meeting him on friday night... so heres my question - anyone been in a similiar situation? It will be great to see him, hes a lovely man & we get on well... anyone 'not dated' & its led to something more?? Any thoughts? Im trying not to get my hopes up !!

He sounds like bad news. He's pulling and pushing tou and making himself seem like an attractive option when he really isn't. Stay away from him and dont settle for someone like that. Have a read of the dating thread on here.

Thanks musti - i dont think hes bad news, he has always been an absolute gentleman...

Anyone?

If you just look at it as going out for a drink with someone you like, you'll be relaxed about it and if it does lead to more then it does, but you have to make sure you're not pinning your hopes on this one in case it comes to nothing.

At worst you'll have a mate you can go out for a drink with, at best you'll fall into each other's arms once the sexual tension gets too much to bear and be together forever!

You just have to make sure that you're happy with either ending so you don't end up feeling frustrated and disappointed.

I've got a similar situation in that my chap is lovely, and we really enjoy spending time together and we're definitely a couple, but I had to get my head round the fact that we may never even live together, let alone anything more permanent. Once I accepted that I've really enjoyed this relationship as there's no pressure on either side.

So you are taking up his offer of friends with benefits after all?

Honestly, it sounds like his previous attempt to get sex from you (without any form of commitment) didn’t work so he’s now trying another tactic. I’d avoid it unless you’re a fan of emotionally unavailable men and head-fuck “relationships”.

Thanks both, purplelass you are right i need to try to relax, in reality it may lead to nothing, so i need to be ok with that.
Ravenmum no i havent accepted the friends with benefits offer!

Does he know that "a date that isn't a date" is not FWB?

I'm sorry, I think you're romanticising this! It sounds like you're keen on him but he just sees your offer as a friends with benefits situation after all.

Oh my God get some new friends. Why did they pursued you to contact this guy?
He's just not interested. Get a guy who likes you, wants you and there is no weird games.

Yeah a "date that isn't a date" is going to suggest fwb/casual to him. I'd expect him to show up, woo you into bed and then disappear again until the next time he fancies a bit tbh. He's already told you that's what he wants.

I'm absolutely not against fwb/casual relationships and have had several myself, but it has to be what both people want.

He tells you there's no chemistry then suggests friends with benefits? Surely you deserve someone a bit better mannered than that. That sort of creepy behaviour would put me off someone for life.

Sounds like a friends with benefits thing.
No doubt that's what he thinks this will be anyway.
I personally wouldn't bother meeting as friends or whatever for a drink. It'll just complicate things and you have to work together.

woodcutbirds makes a good point actually, he told you there was no chemistry but "offered* fwb? That basically means he doesn't fancy you, I could never sleep with someone who had outright told me that!

You can do way better than this OP.

Hi all
Thanks for the replies. Im sure he knows we are not meeting to hook up or whatever. Aware im about to be flamed, i missed in my op that after our date i later re thought& said yes to fwb but he then turned me down as he wants more than that, sorry i didnot intentionally drip feed - i thought some of the replies were harsh 🤦‍♀️ i suspect that we will end up as friends, its good to have an outsiders view.

I was stupid enough to fall into this trap recently. I usually have very strict expectations, standards and boundaries in place when it comes to dating, and men in general. But when a man I used to date and really fancied came out of the woodwork, I jumped at the chance to see him again, and we arranged a 'mate date'. We had sex, and I was ghosted not long after.
OP, this is a really bad idea, not least because you work together and things could end up being awkward. At least I never have to see my guy again! And why would you want to waste your time on someone who wasn't interested the first time around. Also, it's not long since you emerged from an abusive marriage.
I would put this behind you and move on.

Hi Dieu thank you for sharing, that sounds awful! I'm definitely starting to think this is a bad idea

I've been doing similar with a male friend.. we're both single, both recently out of LTR, and neither ready to jump into anything else.. but we're enjoying each others company as friends.

There is mutual interest there, but (sorry to be woo) we're kind of leaving anything else to happen 'organically' rather than seeking to take the friendship to the next level on purpose.. if it happens, great, if it doesn't also fine because I've made an awesome friend who I adore and love spending time with!

I think if you go into this with a view of making a friend and someone you can go out with socially, then you can't go wrong because if you cant be friends, then nothing else will last anyway.

I'd like to add, we haven't so much as kissed or held hands.. most we've done is give each other a hug!

I agree with the others, he thinks you are coming round to the idea of fwb 🙈

Eh? He offered you friends with benefits and when you said yes, he declined? Very odd. I think he will mess you around.

It's been my experience that men don't want to go on dates that are not dates. You might tell them flat out 'lets just meet up as friends' and even if they repeat that back to you, that isn't what they ACTUALLY want. I've literally had them repeat that line back to me and thought 'good he gets it, we can just be mates' and ten minutes later he is stroking my back and then resting his hand on my ass. To be fair, that was a creep thing, not a guy thing xD but no, I wouldn't even go there with a guy again. Not saying men and women can't be friends but generally speaking these friendships aren't going to form from 'a not-date date'. Unfortunately, he is probably looking for something else.

Well as long as you’re happy to waste your time massaging his ego, good luck to you.

Had something happen similar to me. Nothing sexual happened, but he would drop me if a new girl came on the scene and then be back when it didn't work out. I had hoped he would change his mind but it never did.

You sound like you want more than he does and that's a recipe for disaster. Well ...a lot of unnecessary drama and heartache, and you may miss opportunities to meet people that would be great for you.

This guy is keeping you on the hook. Focus on someone who wants to be with you.

Hi all
Thanks for the further replies.
Folf - that's what im thinking & was the idea behind asking him to meet. I guess will see what happens!!