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Original poster

When one party does not want to get married?

49 replies

Ginandtonic4all · 24/04/2019 10:20

I know it's early days but I have been wondering what happens when one person wants to get married and the other doesnot.

I have been with my partner for 6 months. And previous to that was married to my ex for 20 years. We divorced 2 yrs ago as we no longer loved or liked each other. I want to in time get married again. I am not religious but it means something to me.

Partner has been married twice before, both for 10 yrs. both ended in divorce. He does not want to get married again.

What compromise is there, what have other couples done in this situ? It worries me that there is this hurdle we both now about that in time could mean the end of us.

I am46, he is 50 if that has any impact.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 24/04/2019 10:38

If it’s that important to you, get out now while he is just a boyfriend and not so deeply entrenched in your life that you are resentful that he won’t marry you.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/04/2019 10:43

Marriage means naff all.
As you have found out and so has he - TWICE!!!
I'd never marry again either.
I've got my DD to think about and her future and her inheritance.
I think you need to look at WHY marriage is so important to you.
You say you aren't religious.
You know it's not a life-long commitment.
You know you can get divorced.
So why bother doing it all again?

But if it's your deal-breaker, and there is nothing wrong with that, then end this relationship now and find someone who does want to marry.

BlingLoving · 24/04/2019 10:51

Some people will tell you it's not important. But the point is that it's important to you, even though most people might not agree.

If it really is THAT important to you, then I'd end the relationship now because clearly you don't want the same things.

ShatnersWig · 24/04/2019 10:54

There is no compromise. What usually comes up on threads like these is the usual "well, if he really loves you, he'll agree to it". Balls. That's not the reason to get married.

Sorry, but if getting married again is of significant importance to you, you don't date someone who has been married and divorced twice and no intention of marrying again.

And to be honest, I'm not sure I'd want to marry someone who at 50 has already proved twice that it doesn't work for them.

MrsMozartMkII · 24/04/2019 10:56

Only you can scuse if it's a deal breaker for you.

I like being married. No idea why, just do, but if my OH hasn't felt the same way would I have walked away from him? I don't think I would've done. The way we are together (the good, the bad, and the indifferent) would, I think, prevail over me wanting to be married.

Howlingatthesun · 24/04/2019 11:01

I had a decent marriage and amicable divorce.
I wont get married again. I see no point, I’m not having more kids or asking anyone to give up work to have them. And when I die i don't want the legal obligation of providing for someone else if i want to leave everything to the children.

But at least you know his view so its up to you what you do with this information

Maddy762 · 24/04/2019 11:01

My partner’s dad doesn’t want to get married again and his partner became desperate to marry him after about a year of being together. Fast forward another year and a half and they have come to blows over it multiple times, including ending their relationship on a couple of occasions for several weeks. They always end up getting back together though with the girlfriend pretending to accept the situation only to start arguing again a few months later. Horrible toxic situation and all the adult children and other relatives of my partner’s dad have grown to absolutely loathe and the girlfriend.

prawnsword · 24/04/2019 11:02

Like deciding having children, if one half aren’t keen then it’s a no go. Both people should want it.

If it’s that important to you then you should break up now. I don’t think it would be wise for you to stay & hope he changes his mind. If you don’t want to break up with him, explore the reasons why marriage feels important to you. If you have kids, it’s important to understand what remarriage can mean in terms of inheritance / wills etc

If it were legally possible would marry my rescue mutts personally

mindutopia · 24/04/2019 11:46

If it’s important to you, then you aren’t compatible. I know someone (now in her 60s, she and her ‘husband’ both married once before). She desperately wants to get married (she’s a vicar). He does not. They’ve now had not one, not two, but three blessings. The last one in the church with full wedding breakfast, evening disco, etc. because she wants so much to be married and have that experience. She’s now become a joke amongst her friends because she claims they are married (wears wedding ring, he doesn’t) but none of it was legally binding. She still hopes he’ll change his mind.

steppemum · 24/04/2019 11:48

Well, marriage is important to me.
But If I got divorced when the kids were grown up, I am really not sure what the point of marrying again is in that context.

But then again, I think it would still matter to me.

I think you need to decide if it is a deal breaker.
And I have to say, I would want to know why he has been divorced twice. I suspect you may hit the same obstacle a few years in.

RosaWaiting · 24/04/2019 11:51

I think it's a no go

massive legal and financial commitment, you can't have one party not really keen.

MIA12 · 24/04/2019 11:57

At 6 months in, maybe you should consider it a dealbreaker and walk away? I don’t think there is any compromise to be found. You can’t force someone to marry you, and it’s a massive thing to feel differently about.

SandyY2K · 24/04/2019 12:00

Marriage is an individual choice. It might mean "naff all" to some, but it means a lot to others.

There's no half marriage...so I don't see a compromise. If he never wants to get married..and given that he has divorced twice I can see why he feels that way, then you need to decids if you would be happy not being married.

Do either of you have any children?

dottiedodah · 24/04/2019 12:07

If you are happy together at the moment ,thats the main thing.After 2 divorces your partner is understandably wary of getting hitched again!.6 months is a short time to be together , why not enjoy yourself for now and re appraise in a year or so.Even if you break up with him now, you may or may not meet someone wanting to re marry ,but in all honesty someone in their late 40s or 50s probably wont be super keen either!

Singlenotsingle · 24/04/2019 12:17

I've been through three disastrous marriages. I'm useless at choosing men. But my latest dp is perfect. I still don't want to get married again.

Original poster
Ginandtonic4all · 24/04/2019 12:21

I feel like all of you! Conflicted! Half of me agrees with the get out now. Half of me thinks why is it so important. And the other half can see myself in the toxic girlfriend and vicar blessings world.

I think working out why its so important to me is key. Proof I guess of his commitment. Defo part of it is why them and not me ( I have a horrid tendency for jealousy), there is part of me that likes the social standing, I HATE saying Ms! Part of it is the celebration.

As to the questions, he got married first time as it was expected and he felt that no one else would have him, he was 20. It ended as she was unfaithful. Second time was to fix a relationship that had run its course, and it ended mutually. He has had a third serious relationship. No marriage. One child now 7. She ended it.

I have one child 15.

I don't want to end it as I think we have potential. I love him (in a six month together love way).

For those who marriage is important - why is it? What does it offer?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 24/04/2019 12:26

You both have children to protect

Isn’t that more important

MrsMozartMkII · 24/04/2019 12:38

For those who marriage is important - why is it? What does it offer?

No idea. Which isn't any help to you, sorry.

Maybe it's because I had had lots of boyfriends, though hadn't lived with any as hadn't felt that urge, but this one was different. I think I wanted, um, what I'm not sure, maybe a sign to the world that we were together, a team as it were. We also had a child on the way and I wanted that security for her. Equally though (wel almost equally), it was a just both wanted. He'd been married before and was still as keen as I was to get hitched.

LemonTT · 24/04/2019 13:19

The importance of married or staying single vary from person to person. For someone religious it is a sacrament and therefore non negotiable. For someone with children and a lot of money, then it is an untenable financial obligation. For a young woman wanting children then it provides security in the early years. For romantics it is a statement of love.

I don’t know you or him. But you say you have a jealousy issue and he does not want to commit to you in way that you need or he has done before sounds like a recipe for disaster.

NameChangeNugget · 24/04/2019 15:57

He’s been burnt twice, so I can understand why he feels that way, I’m struggling to see the point of it.

If it’s important to you though, I’d end it. He’s been honest & up front and not strung you along

Sculpin · 24/04/2019 16:04

Marriage is important to me, but only if children are involved. I like the idea of the traditional family unit, same surname etc for their sake. If I didn't want children with a man I wouldn't be bothered about whether we were married or not.

Just my opinion, but you are asking for opinions.

While your desire to be married is just as valid as his to stay unmarried, I'm afraid his trumps yours because at the end of the day you can't force someone to get married against their will.

LexMitior · 24/04/2019 16:05

I think what you have to decide is what if you succeeded and he agreed to get married? It’s a recipe for him resenting you - he’s done this twice before and it’s been bad. He doesn’t regard marriage positively, and by you persuading him, he may associate your marriage with his prior bad experiences.

Original poster
Ginandtonic4all · 24/04/2019 16:43

To be clear. I am not trying to get him to marry me - as someone said my wish to get married is just as valid as his not to.

I am trying to to come to some peace in my mind about it all. And as I am the first to get divorced in my friendship group and first to enter into second long term relationships I don't have any other information on it.

What are the advantages of not being married?

OP posts:
juliej00ls · 24/04/2019 16:56

Think carefully about why being married is important to you. If I was to divorce now I would be very hesitant about re marrying. This is because I my reasons in my 20s were around children and financial security, commitment etc. I don’t think I would have those needs in my 50s. There’s no right or wrong. Several of my friends who find themselves no longer married for various reasons are reluctant to marry again but are in very stable partnerships. In their case I think they are keen to maintain financial independence. Good luck op

Ragwort · 24/04/2019 17:04

Do you live together, I assume (hope) not if you’ve only been together 6 months but why refer to him as your ‘partner’ after such a short time?

I think marrying when you are ‘older’ with one or two divorces behind you, and children added to the mix is hugely different to being a young bride first time around. Include all the financial implications and it amazes me why anyone would even consider getting married a second or third time. Live independently, and enjoy ‘dating’, surely you then have the best of both worlds. Grin.

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