When one party does not want to get married?

[Ginandtonic4all]

I know it's early days but I have been wondering what happens when one person wants to get married and the other doesnot.

I have been with my partner for 6 months. And previous to that was married to my ex for 20 years. We divorced 2 yrs ago as we no longer loved or liked each other. I want to in time get married again. I am not religious but it means something to me.

Partner has been married twice before, both for 10 yrs. both ended in divorce. He does not want to get married again.

What compromise is there, what have other couples done in this situ? It worries me that there is this hurdle we both now about that in time could mean the end of us.

I am46, he is 50 if that has any impact.

I had this. I was told he wasn't getting married, I should take it or leave it. We were away in Cornwall one November and I spent a few hours on the beach in the middle of the night while he was asleep thinking what to do. I decided to take it slow and give myself time to think about it. Cue a few more arguments and then in February I decided I wanted to end it. He came to see me, down on one knee, said he wanted to marry me, all good. Two months later I raised it, he said, in a couple of years. Cue endless arguments. I wasn't worried about a legal wedding [we both have kids etc], just wanted to be his wife, humanist wedding would have been perfect.

In the end it ruined our relationship and we split up. I heard all the "what's so special about marriage", "why's it so important to you" etc. I felt really ridiculed tbh. It was important to me. It would have meant the world to me.

I would do anything to re-wind the clock after the Cornwall trip and calmly say, sorry, it's really important to me. Obviously the "take it or leave it" was ridiculous and I should have dumped him for that alone .

But it's honestly true that unless you can 100% come to terms with the fact that you will never be married to him, no matter what you want, my experience is that you will break up one day after many (in my case, highly undignified) arguments.

I like the vicar story a lot (fabulous) but isn't it interesting how she looks ridiculous and he's gone through three blessings and comes out just fine!

@ragwort - he is my partner as we both feel that way about each other. We feel so right and it's so easy and lovely to be together. BUT we both realise it early days and so are being very sensible. Especially as we both have children. We do not live together. But have a plan that in time we will, all going well and so on.

If he doesn't mind (bit weird if he does) just call yourself Mrs. Your title isn't legally protected you can call yourself Mr Mrs Ms Miss.

If you get married nothing changes until one of you does, or you divorce. And if you have kids the death bit is better off happening unmarried so that you leave assets to your DC not the new husband.

If it's important to you there isn't going to be compromise because then you will always resent not being married to him if that's where you ultimately want it to go. Best to be honest upfront and see what the response is to that honesty... you can't force him and he can't force you so then you'll have your answer.

The advantages of not being married are you protect your own assets in the event of a split. So look to your own assets. I have two friends who have married older, one for the first time at 49 and one for the second at 48. Both have married very low paid men, both younger than them 7 and 15 years respectively. There is a big chance one will divorce next year. She is still so trusting and thinks he will be noble and walk away without half the assets which are literally almost all hers.

For purely economic reasons I would never remarry if I became single.

'What compromise is there,'

None

He doesn't want to go for the hat trick and I can't say I blame him.

Re. The death bit being better unmarried, you can still leave your assets to your DC if you're married. There's no compulsion to leave your assets to your spouse under English law. You just need a will.

Sure but your spouse could go to court and apply for a larger share of the assets left to them. I don't know how likely most people are to do that or the likely success of it, but not being married seems like an easier route to take than getting married and then making sure everything is in order to stop some of automatic assumptions produced from being married.

We do not live together. But have a plan that in time we will, all going well and so on.

This is your leverage. If you'd rather be married than live together, DO NOT live together until you're getting married.

If you move in with him, your chances of marriage disappear in a puff of smoke. He'll have absolutely all the good bits of marriage with none of the bad bits, and he'll have zero reason to marry you.

Keep your independence. If you want marriage, then calmly decline to move in together until you're engaged with a wedding date set and booked.

You can't make someone marry you.

You either decide to stay together regardless, or split up and find someone who wants what you want.

I wouldn't have children with someone without the protection of marriage but if I'd already raised my children and had my own home and income then I'd be much happier just dating or being in a relationship.

There isn't a compromise, so the issue is simply whether you're more bothered about being married or being with him. At 6 months in, if I were that worried the disagreement could end us, I'd probably end the relationship now. It's worth examining your reasons, but if it is something that's truly important to you, resentment could fester.

I'm similar to a lot of people here. My marriage was important because of the children of the marriage. I would have walked away if DH didn't want to get married. If I was to split I would not marry again. I'm not going to have anymore children. My home, my time and my money is for my children. I would hope my DH feels the same. But I don't really care for the status of being 'mrs'. I am Ms at work and use my maiden name anyway. Your reasons seem all about what other people think of you. You need to work out whether that is more important than your relationship.

You can make a will to protect your assets but if you sell your house to buy a joint house or share assets in a split, they could get half

Would you both consider civil partnership? (think it’s due to be passed this month, if it hasn’t already: I’m assuming you’re heterosexuals, given the previous timeframes and marriages).
We’ve been married for 30 years, would have been happy with civil partnership if that option had been available.

I wouldn't want to get married again if my marriage broke down. It's important as DH is the father of my kids, but no way am I having any more and honestly couldn't be faffed with doing the whole marriage thing again

@Langrish, I think civil partnership has exactly the same legal ramifications as marriage, just without the religious rigmarole.

Scott72
I know, that’s why we would have chosen it: we wanted legal clarity, we’re both atheists. I see what you’re getting at though:
I meant in terms of having done the marriage thing twice already, maybe it’s the whole big public ceremony rigmarole that’s putting OP’s partner off of “marriage”. If he was also dubious about entering into any kind of formal arrangement whatsoever but was suggesting living together long term in a joint property, say, I might be wary too because legal security is crucial.

Have to say though, 6 months into a relationship does seem a wee bit hasty to be talking about it.

I'm divorced and have been with my long term partner, whose wife died, for 10 years. Like other posters when I got married it was to have children. The breakdown of my marriage was a bad one.

Neither my OH nor I wish to remarry: we maintain our own homes and financial independence* - our wills leave our 'inheritance' to our respective children who are now adults. We stay with each other on a regular basis and it works very well. I would have still maintained a separate home (possibly more so) if my children had been younger.

*My advice to women, whatever their age, is to be financially independent wherever possible. I do appreciate that for some this can never be the case.

OP - only you know why marriage is a deal breaker for you but don't push or expect your new man to change his mind.

There is no compromise. Same as having kids or having sex.

In matters of consent, no always trumps yes.

So if it’s a deal breaker you need to leave now. Or stay and accept it will never happen.

Don’t decide to hang around and see if he changes his mind, that’s not fair on either of you.

So lots of thinking and navel gazing has been done! And I've decided it's not a deal breaker. I understand a lot more from this thread the reasons not to want to get married. And as noodle pointed out many of my reasons are about what others think, or needing external validation.

So my plan is to enjoy, let things happen as they do, if it becomes a bigger issue for me at any point I will have to have that conversation. I think for me that will be if we decide to buy a place together but that's a long way off timewize.

Also I need to do some work on needing less formal logistical validation of his love and commitment.

And yes to everyone - my financial independence is not something I am giving to anyone.

In both your circumstances much comes down to practicalities like money IMO (the one with higher earnings, assets etc has more to lose), and whether in time you’d be happy living together long term but having limited shared finances.

I personally wouldn’t want to purchase property with someone I wasn’t married to, for example.

If financial independence is the major priority, that is usually better served by not getting married. You may also need to think about inheritance tax planning too, if your estate is going to be worth more than 325k.

He had 2 divorces so he probably got to the conclusion that marriage is not for him and that's fair enough. He has been straightforward to you and you already know where you stand. It's up to you if you want to get more involved knowing that. It can be really frustrating in the future if you want more from him and he's not willing to. I've been there and it took me 7 years on and off to finally decide that love sometimes is not enough when 2 people want different things. I was always hoping that he would change his mind because I knew he loved me. But he didn't so I moved on. A couple of years later I found love again with someone who wanted the same as me and he is now my husband.