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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Two weeks ago my husband left me and our 6 and a half month old son

76 replies

MyloJesse · 23/04/2019 23:02

Hi all,

Just after some advice really. My husband dropped a bombshell three weeks ago. He told me that he was unsure if he loved me and had been feeling like that for the last 9-12 months. Ten days ago, he moved back with his mum and dad, is demanding joint custody and is telling me I should buy him out and expects 50% of the equity. I've my dead body! There is no one else and came completely out of the blue - a week prior to the initial conversation we agreed that we were going to start trying for another baby in January!!!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm utterly heartbroken and still in shock. X

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 10:03

His decision to move out. He can't suddenly ask for 50% equity and expect you to come up with the cash.

I also very much doubt he wants 50% custody if he's scared of the responsibility of being a father. Suggest you agree to it (verbally) to call his bluff and tell him you'll be dropping DS off with him later today for the rest of the week.

Glad you have Uncle giving you advice! Sorry this has happened but if he's that flakey, better to know sooner rather than later.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 10:06

Ironically, he's told me that he doesn't want to take blame for the marriage ending

Um... so who exactly does he want to blame? He's the one that walked out! What a tosser!

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 25/04/2019 10:06

He's trying to pull a fast one here with all the sort it out yourselves to save money crap.
Not getting legal rep could end up costing you a fortune.
He's already surprised you with his actions, do not be fooled by him being 'nice' he's obviously untrustworthy.
Protect yourself and your son.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/04/2019 10:11

I would honestly tell him to see you in court!
Get proper legal advice, if you LO is breastfeeding there is no way he can have 50\50 custody atm.

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/04/2019 10:17

Definitely get a good divorce lawyer.

I think the responsibility of being a husband and father was too much for me and he just bolted

In which case how is 50/50 going to work?

I think the offer is you will set him free but he signs the house over to you.

I would say definitely another woman. Otherwise why the rush?

Take your time.

As for not agreeing he is to blame for the marriage break down. He sounds deluded.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 10:19

We have both agreed that we don't want it to go down the court route

He's trying to pull a fast one. Get proper legal advice; and fast. If it goes to court, it goes to court. Otherwise he will try and slip his way out of proper maintenance. If you and DS stay in the martial home he is not due 50% equity.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 25/04/2019 10:31

he's told me that he doesn't want to take blame for the marriage ending
He doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Sadly am not surprised his family sided with him, this usually happens, no matter how well you thought you got on. Remember, you don't know what he has told them.

Have you seen this website, a registered charity,
childlawadvice.org.uk,
lots of advice from Coram Children's Legal Centre.

Hearhere · 25/04/2019 10:40

He doesn't want to be the bad guy, ok so now you know what he is afraid of you know what you can use for leverage

Original poster
MyloJesse · 25/04/2019 16:04

Hi all,

Thank you for your comments and words of wisdom. I have spoken to a family solicitor - a good friend of my uncles so didnt need to pay - and she has advised me to write a letter to him stating my demands, telling him what percentage of the property I would give to him once I bought him out, with reasons as to why. Five weeks ago I went part time for two days, which he agreed to, and that is costing me a grand a month in loss of earnings. So that's being deducted. We also took out a car loan for 14k SIX weeks ago, so I'm having him for that and we remortgaged at the same time too so there may well be early repayment charges which will come his way!

He refused to go to relate cou selling, lied to me for 12 months about loving me and tied me into the above things so the advice I got from the family solicitor has been very positive and favourable. So now I state my demands and if he doesn't like it then I'll see him in court - something him or his family couldn't afford whereas I could. Bring it on! Xxx

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/04/2019 16:06

So happy to hear your are going into this prepared OP- good luck with everything....(bastard he is!)

prettywhiteguitar · 25/04/2019 16:17

Good for you ! You sound like an intelligent, powerful woman, he should be scared. And fuck him my deadbeat dad left eleven years ago and is as useless now as he was then. I found a gorgeous reliable man to carry on having a family with and I am happy. You can be too Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 16:20

Fucking well done OP! You've achieved blooming loads already! Get that letter written and sent out - that'll take the wind out of his sails. Boof!

managedmis · 25/04/2019 16:24

Well he's truly fucked isn't he? And so be it.

Good for you!

Don't not waver. At all.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 25/04/2019 16:33

Well done. Thank the fucking lord you got legal advice.

Please understand that the cost of a decent solicitor will honestly save you £££ in the long run and that all hope of decision making between you is gone as he’s a reprehensible bellend.

JaneEyre07 · 25/04/2019 16:46

You're doing so well OP.

Stay strong and look after yourself as well as your baby Flowers

Hidingtonothing · 25/04/2019 16:48

he’s a reprehensible bellend
Think that about sums it up! Well done OP, good for you Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 16:54

reprehensible bellend

Love this! I might have to borrow it once in a while. Grin

HappyHedgehog247 · 25/04/2019 17:00

Just wanted to give up you some moral support. I ended up going the court route and it was worth the cost and stress. I have also been very happy as a single parent.

Graphista · 25/04/2019 17:06

Absolutely ridiculously stupid to attempt to divorce without legal advice when there's children and/or property involved - it will cost you far more in the long run not just financially.

Your uncle really should have made this clear to you and should be able to recommend a good lawyer and if he can't ask around for local recommendations.

Your ex is completely taking the piss.

While not guaranteed I too would not be surprised if you were to learn there's an OW involved. Be prepared for her to be pregnant too - that might be the motivation for his rushing you & his desperate need to get a decent property.

Other than that no way is he interested in actually parenting 50% he's just trying to dodge paying cm.

With that in mind AND the fact they only backdate to date you first claimed you NEED to put in a claim now. If you decide later to trust him with a private arrangement (I wouldn't) you can, but if you delay making a claim now you could end up screwed over.

Re his family backing him up - if thats just based on him telling you don't take it as truth. My ex tried that crap, I learned it was the complete opposite! His father gave him an almighty bollocking and his mother slapped him! Then gave him an almighty bollocking! In my case there was an OW, he tried to make out she was welcomed with open arms, truth was she wasn't welcome in their home until the baby produced as a result was born and only then grudgingly. Her (ow's) father upon learning of the situation found him at his local and also gave him a slap. Ow's mum gave him an absolute earful too, again he wasn't welcome in their home until after first baby born and again grudgingly. When OW parents found out (because I told her and showed her proof) that he was delaying the divorce (in order to delay marrying her) HUGE blowup again. Ow's sister and ow still barely speaking to each other over 15 years later because sister disapproves of how they got together, and how they've behaved since, they were previously close. so don't believe all you're told.

Glad to now read that you're getting good legal advice.

But please try and be prepared emotionally for there to be a possible ow, I hope not but there must be a reason for his trying to rush you etc

ukgift2016 · 25/04/2019 18:17

I love this thread. A strong woman standing her ground against her shitty ex.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 25/04/2019 18:24

In awe of your strength OP. Well done for standing up for yourself

SandyY2K · 25/04/2019 18:37

Well done for getting advice. You're a very wise woman.

Original poster
MyloJesse · 26/04/2019 22:57

Night time is always the worst. I hate that I miss him. Xxx

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 26/04/2019 23:09

You've done the right thing getting the legal advice lass.

As for missing him, I guess that's normal. You weren't prepared for this to happen and is going to take a while for your feelings to catch up.

NightOwl101 · 06/08/2019 11:55

How are you doing OP Thanks