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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Two weeks ago my husband left me and our 6 and a half month old son

76 replies

MyloJesse · 23/04/2019 23:02

Hi all,

Just after some advice really. My husband dropped a bombshell three weeks ago. He told me that he was unsure if he loved me and had been feeling like that for the last 9-12 months. Ten days ago, he moved back with his mum and dad, is demanding joint custody and is telling me I should buy him out and expects 50% of the equity. I've my dead body! There is no one else and came completely out of the blue - a week prior to the initial conversation we agreed that we were going to start trying for another baby in January!!!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm utterly heartbroken and still in shock. X

OP posts:
ImogenTubbs · 24/04/2019 06:48

This makes me steam with rage. I'm so sorry OP. Hope you have supportive friends and family around, although clearly you are the strong one here!

stucknoue · 24/04/2019 07:10

So sorry. H announced he was leaving me here too but no babies thankfully. It's such a shock how they seem to be able to turn from planning for the future to leaving within a few days.

Passmealargewine · 24/04/2019 07:22

Hi, you're getting some really good advice here. Absolutely ignore his 'demands' get legal advice & have a good think about what YOU want & what you think is best for your child.

I went through similar last year, my husband too struggled with the responsibility of it all ( not that he lifted a finger to help) & walked out on me & his 1 year old

He originally demanded 50% of the equity (didn't want 50% custody funnily enough Hmm ) but after getting legal advice of his own he soon realised he had little chance of that.

It was tough for a little while, I'm still really angry at him. It's hard when they turn so suddenly & they're not the person you thought they were. Honestly though, it's the best thing he could have done for us, me & my son are thriving 1 year on, he still sees him a couple of days a week (no overnights yet)

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/04/2019 11:28

Ha he can demand all he likes but it’s unlikely he’ll get it. 50/50 for everything just because he won’t have a big enough deposit. What utter shit. He needs to be thinking what’s neat for his son, and 50/50 isn’t it. Tough shit.

Glad you’ve got a good solicitor you can talk to

user1479305498 · 24/04/2019 11:45

I do think a lot of men come into relationships and parenthood a lot later these days and when they realise life isn’t all nice meals out and holidays and fun nights with mates find it’s not for them. In the past I think many got away with it but stayed married as a lot of women had lower expectations of a partner and put up with any old behaviour

mummmy2017 · 24/04/2019 11:52

Get the child support done today .. even less chance of mortgage ...
Great your uncle can help...
You don't need to give him that much time,.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/04/2019 12:06

He probably wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance, then will get his mum to look after him.

100%

patchisagoodpup · 24/04/2019 12:20

As pp said regarding the 50/50, and also if he's back in with his parents he's likely to be expecting a lot of support from them/his mum and won't in fact be doing a great deal of parenting.

Hearhere · 24/04/2019 12:25

he sounds like a useless piece of shit but presumably since it is an asset of the marriage he is entitled to half of the equity in the house?

The question of whether or not to he cheated is the besides the point when it comes to dividing your assets

Original poster
MyloJesse · 24/04/2019 20:56

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all of your advice, I'm not going to lie, I've had a really hard day today and felt like I didn't have much fight left in me. However, reading all of your comments has helped me greatly.

We have both agreed that we don't want it to go down the court route and I know it can get veeeeery expensive. So the plan is we are going to try and come to the decisions between us and then put it all through, however the cheeky sh** has been saying, "well make me an offer!" like I need to be persuading Him to give up equity in the house!!!

He has demanded joint custody, with him having him half of the week. Over my dead body was the answer to that, my son isn't even sitting up yet, that's how young he is! He's told me he will pay child maintenance and I don't think he's going to fight me that much about the custody side of things; I think he's more concerned about how much he can get out of me.

Ironically, he's told me that he doesn't want to take blame for the marriage ending... Except wants the divorce to go through ASAP. He's an absolute discrace as a father. Xxx

OP posts:
Hearhere · 24/04/2019 21:28

For now I would just humour him, but be strategic, this man is not your friend he is only pretending to be so in order to get as much value out of you as possible

Mammajay · 24/04/2019 21:37

Just remember this is about him and not you. Don't let his behaviour make you feel it is in any way your fault. Try to take it day by day. It will get easier as time goes on.

Asdfghjklll · 24/04/2019 21:52

Get in their first and file for divorce for his unreasonable behaviour. Do not wait.
I would ignore the let's not get solicitors involved. Your uncle should be involved to advocate for you and your rights.

LexMitior · 24/04/2019 21:57

Don’t agree any of this crap with him. The courts are full of fools like this. You stand to do much better than him if you do go, he knows that and is trying to posh you into agreement before you see a lawyer.

Not seeing one might be the biggest financial mistake of your life. And your child’s life, too.

Original poster
MyloJesse · 24/04/2019 22:01

Unfortunately my uncle isn't specialised in divorce, but is in financial cases so he can offer advice but wouldn't be able to stand for me.

His parents and brother seem to have sided with him! How I do not know. I know he's their son however your job is to teach them right from wrong - no matter their age!

My salary is 40k atm, put going for a promotion in work so may be going up to 45k so I would be able to afford the mortgage either way tbh.

Xxx

OP posts:
bouncydog · 24/04/2019 22:08

Ask your uncle to recommend a good divorce lawyer as a first step, then go and sort out exactly where you stand. For some reason your husband wants done and dusted quickly and I would be keen to find out why. In the meantime 💐 and 🍷for you together with a big hug. Your husband sounds an arse!

Imupallnightto · 24/04/2019 22:18

You sound a strong and brave lady Flowers Wine

Chocmallows · 24/04/2019 22:28

I kept my home, but can afford to pay the mortgage and his pension dwarfed mine. I also originally had DC permanently overnight as ex left for OW and wasn't bothered to focus on them. He now has 2 nights a week and pays less maintainance.

If you think he'll say 50.50 but then pull back or pass them to other family, i.e. he isn't being genuine, then from the start push for an arrangement where you have them for longer. This must be unsettling for them, so you do not want to agree a pattern that he will not genuinely follow through with and is only saying for financial reasons!

JaneEyre07 · 24/04/2019 22:30

I'd be very wary of him, OP, with his demands for 50/50 custody, it sounds to me like he's angling to work part time and you to financially support him.

You really do need the best legal advice you can find here, and don't let him browbeat you into a corner. Given that he can't cope with being a husband and father, he kind of loses the right to be in control here.

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 24/04/2019 22:37

Ironically, he's told me that he doesn't want to take blame for the marriage ending... Except wants the divorce to go through ASAP.

I would be asking him what's the rush. Is he sooo traumatized, poor he, that he can't wait to get out of this marriage?Hmm

Honestly, i would love to know what some men are thinking. It doesn't sound like he even tried to work with you to save your marriage.

Stand your ground, OP. Don't give in to his ridiculous demands.

SandyY2K · 24/04/2019 23:08

Ironically, he's told me that he doesn't want to take blame for the marriage ending...

Really.
But he's decided to leave, so his actions have ended the marriage.

Except wants the divorce to go through ASAP.

You still think there's no OW?

What's his rush?

Unless filing for adultery or unreasonable behaviour (in the UK) a divorce takes 2 years if both parties agree.

Otherwise, it's 5 years.

gluteustothemaximus · 24/04/2019 23:26

Be very wary. I really would get a solicitor.

I never get why parents side with their precious sons. I'd be fucking livid if either of my son's ditched their wife and baby and wanted 50/50 custody.

SchrodingersBrexit · 25/04/2019 09:13

I'm really sorry OP. This is a horrible situation to be in (I've been there myself).

Stay strong. You will get through this and you may even be happier than you were before (I know I am).

Don't agree to any of his demands, tell him to make you an offer. I can't imagine anyone would force you to sell the family home, so if he wants equity, he needs to make you an offer.

Appreciate you don't think there is another woman, but this has all the hallmarks if there being someone else. It might be best to just brave yourself for there being someone else.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/04/2019 09:55

I agree court can get costly, but do get a good di IRC’s solicitor who will know what’s reasonable. Sounds like he’s hoping to do it this way so he can pull the wool over your eyes and get a better financial settlement. A decent solicitor is worth the expense 20x over.

I’m afraid it does sound like he’s eithe got OW it there’s someone in the sidelines. Most men don’t want a divorce ASAP if they’ve ‘fallen out of love’

Theclearing · 25/04/2019 10:00

Not having legal advice could be the costliest move though! Definitely at least pay for some time with a good local family solicitor!