Affair and mental health

[namechangenumber]

I’m hoping someone will be able to offer some advice.

I’ve name changed for this as I am a regular poster.

My DH and I have been married 10 years. Earlier this year he left me for another woman, though he denied this until recently.
I’ve suspected he was depressed for some time and tried to help/support him but he would never admit he was depressed.

A few weeks ago he broke down when dropping the DC’s home and said that he was seeing someone and admitted to the affair and that if she hadn’t been in the picture he would not have left.

He has now (I think) ended it with the OW, and is saying he needs to sort his head out before he can decide what it is he wants. I’ve made it clear that I am not doing a pick me dance and that if there is any hope of saving our marriage he must fight for it and show 100% commitment to see if we are able to get through this.

I do believe he is in a very poor mental state, a part of me also believes he is making this worse by still being in contact with OW (I’ve told him I’m not going to tell him not to, he has to choose that for himself and then prove to me he is being honest).

I just don’t know what to do, he has told so many lies about our marriage to the OW and also told so many lies to me. I think I can get past the affair but not if he won’t commit.
He has arranged help with his depression and anxiety but I am not sure what to do, should I wait quietly on the sidelines or should I just continue with my life without him and see what happens, and if he goes back to the OW then so be it?

I want to help him but I also want to scream at him to pull himself together for his family.

Is he still living away from the family home?

He's not depressed and anxious, he's stressed out because he's acted like a complete arsehole and it's not going the sparkles-rainbow way he anticipated.

By making yourself an option, you ARE playing a version of "pick-me".

This relationship has no future because - for it to continue - you need to forgive him, and these sorts see forgiveness as a weakness for which you will be punished over time until YOU are a nervous wreck.

See a solicitor and go get all of what the law entitles to you to.

Hi OP sending you and strength.

I am not a mental health expert, I am just replying to say that I have seen your thread and I know this must be a very tough time for you.

Do you feel that the help he has arranged for depression/anxiety is serious? Ie do you feel he is committed to changing the situation or is it lip service to placate you?

Has the change in him happened slowly or have you had recent shocks in your life?

I want to help him
WHY?
He's cheated on you and his DC.
He's lied and continues to do so.
He left you and your DC for the OW.
And you want to help him???
Fuck that shit.
Get on with your life without him in it.
He's not worthy of you at all. The sooner you realise that, the better.
Stop being an option for him.
He needs to understand right now, that you are not an option and you will be moving on.
He needs to sort himself out.
He was selfish enough to swan off and leave you to it and be with OW and now it's not working out for him.... AH DIDDUMS!!!!!

I don't want to give too many details as they are very outing...

Yes he is still living away from the family home, which I definitely feel is the right thing at this moment in time, though I feel if we are to give this a go properly, he would need to move back in.

I think his mental health problems were triggered about 2 years ago by us moving to a different part of the country and have slowly declined, his depressive moods made life very miserable for both of us and culminated in his affair/leaving.

I think he is in the depths of a midlife crisis of sorts, I don't believe him seeking help is to placate me, I do believe he realises that he needs professional help.

I am just struggling with what role I am/have.

Why?
Because I love him, and I also have not been perfect. I have made some huge mistakes (although never cheated) that need him to forgive.
I know some could never forgive an affair and I respect that. I do feel at this point I could forgive him. My instinct is to scream at him to cut contact and be an open book whenever I feel the need to check etc, but I am conscious of his mental health.

He's not mentally ill.

He's a wilful cheater, cheating.

Regarding role, would it be possible to have couples counselling alongside his personal counselling? To discuss these issues together and to help you get a feel for his motivations and state of mind?

My suggestions around talking with him rather than LTB are also related to not being perfect myself, and knowing people can go through dark phases.

Have you all become isolated from family and friends due to your move? Could it help him to reconnect with some close family/friends during his counselling?

Yes very isolated, though he is back in our old area living with family now so has reconnected from that point of view.

I have suggested couples counselling which he says is a good idea.

OP it feels a bit like you know approximately how you want to proceed, but the wait-and-see phase you are entering maybe seems odd in comparison to the high drama you have doubtless had recently?

I say you might know how you are going to proceed as both of the options you mentioned were quite similar, but just with a different bias on what you feel the outcome might be.

Whatever you do, do take care of yourself, take counselling if you need, accept childcare and house help, do not mentally torture yourself and do some fun things just for yourself, the kind of things mums often don't get a chance to do. How about letting your H have the kids and head off on a longed for holiday alone or with a close friend?

Ps the focus of the previous reply was to suggest you focus on taking care of yourself when you can (I know with kids it is tricky), I might be out of line saying you know how you want to proceed. I meant to be supportive, not didactic.

Hi OP I feel for you . You are repressing your anger, I know I've done it. You need to work through that before you consider anything else.

In plain English this translates to it didn't work out with ow can I come home.

Fuck right off pal.

I'd have burst out laughing even if I was dying on the inside.

Kudos to you OP, affairs are a way to beat depression for men. Continue to be calm, kind, unreactive whilst absolutely rejecting his bad behaviour (which throwing him out the house and going no contact means).

Stick to your guns, go completely no contact, live your life as though he is not coming back and see what he does.

My x also went to counselling for depression and anxiety. I found out about the affair (which he had also been lying to the therapist by 'failing to mention') and went absolutely bezerk, and he was unable to fix it.

But in hindsight? He was talking about his mother and his thinking process, which is at the root of all his spoiled entitlement.

As far as I am aware he ended things with the OW- who has been saying she wants him back etc but he understands that she is a mistake and he wants to try again with us.

It is very confusing as he says he will have regrets if he doesn't fight for us, but that he needs to be on his own to get better before he can.
Whereas I think that if we can take steps to repair our marriage, his mental health will improve that way... but I'm not an expert in mental health so who knows.

Mmmm. Does he want to try again now he's done the sums on the cost of divorce?

OW isn't worth half "his" assets?

Seriously, OP, see a solicitor and go get what's yours. He's disgraceful.

"Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

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Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while."

• Dr Frank Pittman, who was the first psychiatrist to work out that affairs have very little to do with the marriage and everything to do with the ego state of the person having the affair.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

My husband admitted to an affair (which I had correctly suspected for the 1.5 months it was going on) played the pick me dance for 6 weeks until I issued an ultimatum. He moved back in to give things a trial for 5 months while we worked on things during which time he showed more compassion and concern for the OW. He left again after 2.5 weeks despite telling our two children he was back for good.

We are now going ahead with a divorce. I wish I had never let him make me an option from the beginning. He doesn't deserve you OP, despite what you think you have done - you don't deserve to be cheated on. I too have been a pain to live with at times as I suffered from PND after our second child and he has been quite happy to pin the blame on me and how I managed our family life / children while he was busy with his career / doing lots of trips away etc.

It looks like you've made your mind up to give him a second chance, but you're not sure if he's fully committed.

He doesn't seem like a safe partner at the moment. Sometimes the double life of an affair is enough to cause depression and affect your MH.

The lies and deceit take a toll on someone who isn't a natural and has cheating down to an art.

I would suggest if he is serious that he reads this site www.survivinginfidelity.com

If he looks in the wayward thread, he'll get a good insight and some great advice from fellow wayward spouses.

At the moment you aren't a priority to him... his focus is himself. He doesn't seem fully aware of the pain he's caused you.

If he reads the Just found out threads on Surviving infidelity, he'll get an idea of the crippling feeling of the betrayal and might just begin to show some remorse.

If I was you I wouldn't want him back in the home, until he was able to be fully remorseful and assure me, that I am the one he wants...not returning for the kids or because of financial reasons.

I'd be very clear that unless I felt like number 1, he need not return.

A cheating spouse who is serious about making amends, will find every resource our there.

Getting back together while he's not all in will be more harmful to you and the DC.

A good book for him is How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

If he's not going to the ends of the earth to win you back.... I wouldn't give him a chance.

Carry on with your life in the meantime, and try to pursue your own happiness.I don't think he sounds much of a catch, though.

@Picsinred I agree, it's because of his actions that he is stressed. Being selfish and entitled is not a breakdown. Protect yourself and family.

Is your concern that he is saying he wants to fight to keep you but just not quite yet? So quite a mixed message?

Is the OW someone out of his normal orbit or is she harder to avoid, e.g. a colleague?

I understand that it is tricky to just give hime time and keep your emotional wpunds open without knowing how long this phase will be etc.