DH doesn't find me attractive as I'm fat

[vizz]

I've NCed as I'm hurt and embarrassed but DH basically said yesterday that I'm not making the best of myself, and that I've let myself go.

We've been together 25 years and I'm a size 14 probably although most of my clothes are a 12.

I lost a lot of weight a year or so ago and felt happy but I've put most back on.

We joined a gym together a few months ago then I injured my hip and couldn't go.

He said I've once again given up. He's really into his fitness and is in good shape but I wouldn't care what he looked like.

He's also started to buy clothes to make himself look younger. He used to be a model years ago and has always been the more attractive one if I'm honest.

I'm gutted. I'm on a diet that I started yesterday but I feel so upset that he's not attracted to me anymore.

No idea why I'm posting, just too embarrassed to tell anyone in RL

He sounds like an arse tbh . Has he said he isn't attracted to you ? Are you still having sex ? A size 14 /12 - I wish I was !

He sounds horrid. 12-14 is hardly enormous and below average. It sounds like he should got a mid life confidence issue and feels the need to prove his still attractive. Unfortunately some people make themselves feel better by putting others down.
Move to the spare room and refuse physical contact until he starts showing a bit more respect. Tell him it’s because he’s being so unkind and you are hurt.

Fucking hell what a nasty superficial critical prick he is.

Size 12-14?! You’re fine OP, you’re great. Your problem is your H.

He’s broken trust by attacking you and the bond between you like this.

Yes still having sex once a week or so, he'd like it more than that and is complaining it's not enough too.

Thanks for replying. I'm in tears here.

I slept on the couch last night. We haven't spoken really since yesterday morning when he said it.

He did try and talk this morning to say wouldn't I rather he was honest, and don't I want him to look at me and think "she looks nice"

I told him to leave me alone and I've been in the bedroom since.

He's within his rights to not find the larger you attractive, but he's an arse for being so cruel about it, when you're injured.

Does he not realise that you won't be young forever?

He is entitled to find extra weight unattractive. He does however sound incredibly insensitive and arrogant.

Do you want to get back into fitness? Or would you only be doing it for him? If you do then his way of showing you support is appalling.

I hope you're okay OP. Don't put yourself down.

JEsus what a prick. I mean, If you were a size ten then a few years on, a size 22, then maybe he’d have grounds for saying something, but a 12/14 ffs what a knob. Decent men who really love their partners do not say things like that. SOunds like he’s having some sort of midlife crisis or has his eye on someone else tbh.

I do want to lose weight and make the best of myself but I also like eating nice food!

Thanks for the replies, I think I'm being a bit over sensitive as I know I'm not happy with how I look at the moment, and it's stinging that he's reinforced this.

He doesn't sound like a nice man to get old with, or go through the menopause with. Some men just get nasty as they get older.

Supporting good health and body confidence is one thing, saying 'my love is conditional on you looking like this' is another. I don't remember that being in the marriage vows.

12-14 is really not very big either. I think you could have a happier life away from him.

Maybe try water aerobics as more gentle on joints.
Keep a food diary for a week. This is very eye opening as I did not realise how little fruit I ate in my day.
Weight loss is calories in need to be less than calories out.
A very wise friend said to me that, After age 30 you need to eat half as much and exercise twice as much . I think she is right. Instead of having a whole muffin, I will have a quarter, then walk the dog around the big block.
He is an arse for being mean though.

Ditto the others - he's entitled to not find a larger person attractive, but he's not entitled to make you feel like shit in the process.

What sort of size were you when you got together?

As hurtful as it is, at least her dh has been honest about how her current weight makes him feel.

Many men would not admit to feeling like that and go off and find someone more attractive to them.

I think weight is a big turn off to men. (I'm overweight myself) I would love to be a size 12-14 but that size depends entirely on the proportion of her height.

She may only be 5 feet tall, in which case she would be overweight at that size.

Ultimately you lose weight for yourself if you want to do it, not for anyone else.

I'd have to say to your dh well I dont find you attractive since your penis isn't 10 inches, is his cock made of gold? You dont sound big you sound average. In 10 stone after a weight gain and I've got loose skin due to the fact I used to weigh 21st , I'm hoping to drop a dress size . Find someone else that would love to have you on there arm, I bet there would be quite a few men who would love to date you op

I'm 10 stone I meant*

I think he’s been quite cruel tbh. At a size 12/14 you’re not exactly big! I think the question is...how do you feel about yourself? If you’re happy with your weight then don’t change to suit him!

I was an 8 when we met but I had just turned 18. Three kids since then.

I've usually been around a 10/12 for last fifteen years or so.

He's nice usually but I feel wretched over this.

I suppose honesty is best but it bloody stings.

I'm 5'4" by the way, to the person who asked.

I don't understand this, I really don't. I can understand that you might find someone less attractive if they have put on weight, but not to be attracted at all seems weird to me. Is it just the body they found attractive in the first place then? What about a gorgeous smile, a filthy mind, a great sense of humor? It just seems so shallow to me. Ad a pp said, if you went from a slender size 10 to a size 22 maybe, but a stone or so? I am fatty mcfat at the moment, in 30 years I have been every size from a 12 to a 20, and if my dh minds he hasn't been unkind enough to say so and it certainly hasn't put him off sex. I think your dh is a dick.

Whatever he said about “don’t you want me to think you look nice” or whatever - FUCK OFF

It’s fine to nudge each other about weight if you know that the other person cares about how they look. It’s NOT okay to make it sound as if your whole being exists to make him feel good

Ugh

Tell him you find opinionated wankers very unattractive.

With the Mumsnet heat tilt and tinkly laugh.

And then don't sleep with him until he apologises for being one.

It sounds like this shallow shit of a man never loved you, he just fancied your body, or liked being seen out with a trophy wife on his arm to flaunt at other men to boost his ego.
OP, when you genuinely love someone, you love who they are, not what they look like. If they gain some weight, or have a mastectomy, or lose their hair - you still love them. You certainly don’t undermine their confidence, criticise their appearance and make your love conditional on them jumping through hoops of diet and exercise.
This twerp of a man has hurt you and damaged the marriage.
It’s for you to decide whether you want to stay with him, and what he needs to do to earn your forgiveness.

Your DH was cruel to be insensitive regarding your weight but to go from a size 8 when first met to a size 14 is quite a jump... children do change a body shape (in my case made me baggy and saggy after 2 of them lol) but my actual 'size' is the same I'm back in 8 jeans and DD is only 8 weeks old... so sometimes using having children is a bit of an 'excuse' to gain weight.
If he wants to encourage you to lose weight then he should be suggesting activities you can do together, swimming, cycling, power walking etc, and maybe him cooking some healthy meals for you both!
He's entitled to an opinion but he's not entitled to make you feel like crap he could be a little more diplomatic. My DH often gains weight in winter, and I have to remind him not to overdo the stodge and treats, but I'm never horrible to him.

He is allowed to find weight unattractive.