DH doesn't find me attractive as I'm fat

[vizz]

I've NCed as I'm hurt and embarrassed but DH basically said yesterday that I'm not making the best of myself, and that I've let myself go.

We've been together 25 years and I'm a size 14 probably although most of my clothes are a 12.

I lost a lot of weight a year or so ago and felt happy but I've put most back on.

We joined a gym together a few months ago then I injured my hip and couldn't go.

He said I've once again given up. He's really into his fitness and is in good shape but I wouldn't care what he looked like.

He's also started to buy clothes to make himself look younger. He used to be a model years ago and has always been the more attractive one if I'm honest.

I'm gutted. I'm on a diet that I started yesterday but I feel so upset that he's not attracted to me anymore.

No idea why I'm posting, just too embarrassed to tell anyone in RL

OP, when you genuinely love someone, you love who they are, not what they look like.

I married a man who was a size 34 waist-perfectly normal weight. He is now bursting out of a 44. His stomach hangs over his straining belt and shows his arse every time he bends over.

I find it physically repulsive. I don’t think I would be alone in thinking this.

I think it's a tough one. At a size 12 you are likely still a healthy BMI, yes? So it seems cruel to make you feel fat when you're not by today's standards.

That said, you want him to keep fancying you presumably and yes, he is being honest. Sex is important. It's worth noting that extra weight / lack of exercise / depression can all affect your libido, so.maybe look at why you only have sex once a week when he wants more. Do you want to stay married? Do you still find HIM attractive?

size 8 when first met to a size 14 is quite a jump

After 25 years and children? I don’t think that’s a jump at all!! people’s bodies change an awful lot over 25 years and dc.

OP, your dh is entitled to his opinion, but he’s been very cruel about the way he’s gone about it. You’ll never be the size 8 you were 25years ago no matter how much weight you lose. As for sex, I’m not surprised you don’t want it anymore than once a week. I’d not want sex with someone who is happy to talk to me like that... I’m afraid some people put far too much on looks than what’s inside. Your dh sounds like one of those people

You’re not being over sensitive. I know it would be easier to blame yourself for being over sensitive and resolve things like that - take the blame off him - but he deserves the blame

I am so saddened by his comments. What would happen if you had an accident, lost a leg etc. When you love someone - I am sorry but that is unconditional I feel. Yes, having health problems by being overweight would make me concerned if my partner was over eating - and I am realistic enough to realise that if I became overweight I would look less attractive to my partner ( although he has always told me he would love me anyway). Any weight loss/fitness should be for yourself - never change for someone else. Happiness starts with yourself OP xxx

I hope you’re okay. From reading your posts, I think maybe it’s time to take stock of how you’re feeling about yourself in general. He has been cruel in the name of honesty and that’s an issue on its own. It would hurt most people. But - what else do you bring to the table? List all the things about yourself that you think are great. If that list is short, you need to focus on building your confidence. Because, let’s be honest, you could lose weight and these thoughts may well continue to fester. He’s made you feel inadequate and a bit gross, but are you, really? Probably not. In a nutshell - if you want to make changes, make them for you, not him.

Thanks very much everyone, some really good points here.

DH has just come to speak to me and apologise. He said he didn't mean it like it sounded and he regretted it as soon as he said it. He said he wants us both to be happy and knows I want to lose weight etc. He said he thought he was being open and honest but realised he had got it all wrong.

He's a good man really and we usually get on very well.

I'm going to lose weight and tone up, but I'm going to do it for me.

You're not being over sensitive. Its an arsehole thing to say and think. Its purely superficial and cruel. You've still got the same head/face/personality he fell in love with, and body, havent you?! Just a bit more fat on it. Its not a crime. A size 12-14 as you move thru life is nothing

I am sorry to say but i think these instances show you whether youve got an unconditional, deep love, or a superficial 'ill love and fancy you as long as you stay exactly the same as when we met' type of love. I know many people face this and live with it, but i couldn't. Anything can happen in life to change the way our bodies look and operate.

There's caring for your health and wanting to support you, and theres being a smarmy know it all superficial cunt.

I am sorry you are feeling bad, OP.
However - attractiveness is a physical thing and not something one can control.
Last year - my bf had been going through something stressful and started to put on weight. I let him be for a while, bc he was in a bad place.
Then it got better and he asked me if his increased weight mattered.
I answered truthfully - there is a range - where it doesn’t. But at some point - it will be affecting how attractive I find him.
He asked me to tell him when he starts getting to that point....
And eventually - I did tell him.
Because I love him and don’t want to have it affect us.
I knew he needed to do something too - and me saying it just helped him decide to act....
He’s been on a much better eating plan since Jan and lost 10+kg...

So - if you love him and want to try to fix this - stop moping around and do something about it.
It’s not true that you can’t eat a lot less, and look good and still have some (many) of the nice foods you like. It’s all about the quantity anyway.

As to what actual size you are. People tend to underestimate their size. Had that recently with a friend who looks like at least size 14. She was convinced she was size 10/12... She was embarking on a weight loss too because she has been steadily increasing over the last few years.

Good luck OP.

@HugoBearsMummy she was an 8 aged 18, 25 years ago!! It's hardly like she's gained the weight over 1-2 years is it? I could chug Ben and Jerry's at 18 and still be a size 8!

The apology is a very good sign, OP. Firstly that he realises he was being a shit, and secondly that he was big enough to actually voice the apology in terms that sound genuine, ie he’s sorry for being a shit, not just sorry that you reacted as you did.
Maybe he’s just blunt and tactless, rather than appearance-obsessed and cruel!
But yes, if you lose weight do it for your health or your own pleasure in your appearance, NOT as a way of earning conditional and grudging affection based on dress size achieved.
He needs to make amends and earn his way back into your good books, not the other way round!